It's been a while since we ended things and we weren't talking, but I still loved her more each day and didn't understand why my feelings weren't subsiding or staying stagnant.
Every relationship I have been in has been an easy walk for me, I've endured no suffering in my time with Christ Jesus and I have been so arrogant in my walk. I used to believe I was the best thing brought to women, because I was a virgin (by God's grace - I tried to lose it SO MANY TIMES and came so close) and received compliments often about my looks.
Well this relationship has definitely spurred a change. God used her to bring me back closer to him. I was unable to forgive her with my heart for what she had done. It was because I was arrogant, bitter, selfish, angry, etc.
I've definitely headed towards realigning myself with God. I go to bible studies on campus, and have been given the chance to get involved in the Christian community at my college. It's amazing what God is doing through me.
I didn't talk to this girl for 2 weeks, and finally I opened up to one of the campus pastors (Campus Crusades for Christ) and shared my complete story with someone else, and we prayed for her and me. He was so loving and caring and he has become such a good friend of mine.
God answered quickly, I wasn't sure if I was ever supposed to initiate a conversation between us two again, I wrote her a letter after I read a Christian book about dating and had no plans to give it to her, I thought it was for myself, so God could remind me of my faults and how to love others.
She e-mailed about 1 hour later. She said God had kept telling her to send it Tuesday. She wrote it down about a week earlier, but he told her to be patient. It couldn't have been a more perfect timing.
She explained she missed me, her best friend, and us breaking up didn't have to mean us no longer talking. We were both unsure if we were going to an Evangelical speaker that night, Shelby Abbott, to hear him teach us how to share the word with others on campus. Neither of us had anyone to go with and we were both being timid. I asked her if she was going and she said she didn't know, so I picked her up and we went and talked for over an hour afterward. I gave her the letter I wrote, and we agreed while it was not best to be around each other constantly (we still need to continue to build that Godly foundation and attach ourselves to him completely), we could get coffee together once a week and sit with each other at the Christian studies/worships we were in during the week.
God keeps telling me to be patient. He keeps telling me to wait til near the end of December. I'm not sure why, but I can't see past it. Ironically, that is the same time I am going to a Christian conference in Indianapolis, the 28th - 1st with some Christian friends. I don't know if I'm supposed to be with this girl, I love her SO MUCH, but I have to act on his time line. I'm completely comforted, and so in love with God that if he takes her away from me, I will not be destroyed. My hope is in him and I trust him wholeheartedly wherever I go.
Everyday I struggle with thoughts of her past. It hurts for sure and sometimes God gives me the way he sees her and takes away all pain. Even though I experience this pain, it is good for me. It humbles me completely (my arrogance has nearly disappeared). I look at my faults. I also continue to forgive her, I see her in a new light, and for once in my life, even though she didn't live up to my personal expectations, I still love her. I'm not being self-seeking, I want to put her first and I have never done that in my life. I'd rather pour out love than receive it.
It's extremely tough, and when he takes away the pain and shows the love I have for her through the Holy Spirit inside me, I am without words. I realized I couldn't do it without the Holy Spirit and his spirit is bearing fruit and taking away the branches which don't bear fruit. I've learned to not rely solely on emotions for once in my life, but love despite how I'm feeling. I actually continue to pray for the suffering, because it has brought me so much closer to God and makes me rely on him. It teaches me discipline, love, self-control, and so many other things. I don't get angry anymore, but sometimes Satan comes into my mind and brings back those thoughts and I am able to put them away with love and prayer. And I cannot take any credit for this, it is God's work and it is the Spirit he has placed inside me. There's no way I would ever see her in this light on my own.
It's still a progress and will be indefinitely (forever?) and I don't know where it will lead, but this break-up has brought us both closer to God. So much so.
I will update again in January for those wanting to hear my story.
