I think I'm understanding myself a little bit better, in that I have obsessive thoughts about my intentions. "Did I mean to do that, what did I really mean by saying that, etc." And I tend to assume the worst in myself. When I was younger I was terrified of cheating in school, I would hide my face or sit away from students so I could make sure I wouldn't cheat, but I was so obsessed with "don't cheat don't cheat don't cheat" that I hyper analyzed every little glance to the side and ended up confessing to a lot of cheating. I still don't want to go back to college because of this, and I'm in my late 20s.
But that story is relevant because now I have a boyfriend, my first boyfriend ever. And I'm struggling so hard with physical affection. "Is this too much, is this sexual, my mind wants to go further but I know it's wrong and we should stay right here, is this touch ok, is what he's doing now okay," etc. It got to the point where, one day, I pushed us to go almost too far because I followed my lust, and so we stopped kissing for about 6 months. And us not kissing is a huge factor in why we almost broke up recently. So we are back to kissing, and I WANT TO KEEP IT HOLY AND PURE, but I get so obsessed over the torrent of "is this ok, is that ok, am I sinning, am I over thinking it."
It's kinda funny but I almost feel like it's something that could be solved by ERP (exposure and response prevention) therapy. It's just so hard to be so anxious over something so important.
But that story is relevant because now I have a boyfriend, my first boyfriend ever. And I'm struggling so hard with physical affection. "Is this too much, is this sexual, my mind wants to go further but I know it's wrong and we should stay right here, is this touch ok, is what he's doing now okay," etc. It got to the point where, one day, I pushed us to go almost too far because I followed my lust, and so we stopped kissing for about 6 months. And us not kissing is a huge factor in why we almost broke up recently. So we are back to kissing, and I WANT TO KEEP IT HOLY AND PURE, but I get so obsessed over the torrent of "is this ok, is that ok, am I sinning, am I over thinking it."
It's kinda funny but I almost feel like it's something that could be solved by ERP (exposure and response prevention) therapy. It's just so hard to be so anxious over something so important.