[MOVED from Married Couples]I feel racist toward black men now after my husband

[sunnydaize]

I feel racist toward any black men now after years of being in an abusive, controlling, relationship with my black husband.

I am white and have always had a preference towards black men until now.

I feel resentful that whenever i was with a black male- he was often abusive or controlling or violent or a cheater.

am I wrong for now being racist toward black men?

I do not like black men at all now and feel disgusted when I hear and see the typical behaviors come out of most of the black men I have ever known.

am I considered a full blown racist now that I no longer am attracted to black men and now that I see most black males as "ghetto" and abusive?

 

[sunnydaize]

and by the way....i do know I will be banned after this thread for sure!!! since its a very racist , honest post and guess what???

I do not CARE!

I find this forum filled with very drama filled, un-helpful, christian people---(MINUS- the FEW who know who they are, who have helped me and have given me info in there posts or private messages)

You guys who helped no who you are

thanks again.


I am lined up with my new apartment.AWAY FROM my abusive, money controlling husband-who allowed me nothing more than a few iced coffees at dunkin donuts monthly!

Im done with that crap

 

[Autumnleaf]

Some would say you are racist. Others would say you've become wiser. I'd say don't paint all of any race with too broad a brush. Grapes tend to bunch together but individuality is still there and worth looking into.

Did you get donuts with your iced coffee? Is dipping them in the iced coffee as good as dipping them in hot coffee?

 

[LinkH]

I'd say that's kind of racist, but I understand you could feel that way if you've been through a tough time. There are humble, godly black men who love their wives and treat them well.

 

[JCLover779]

I think it's normal to lump people into categories and steer clear of them when you have been hurt. You might not like any construction workers if that's what your husband had done for a living.

Eventually, as you heal, you will be able to better separate the person from the group - the individual grapes from the bunch, as AL has mentioned.

 

[bethrow]

I would feel the same way as you if I were abused by an African American man that I had been in love with and shared my life with. I would be very angry, hurt, and disappointed.
Remember that the person that hurt you is not every African American man....but it may take time to get over the hurt that you feel. I would recommend counselling so that you are able to work through this.
Don't be to hard on yourself. You were a victim of abuse. Take care of yourself and allow yourself to heal.
I'm so happy that you got yourself away from him. You deserve more than iced coffees at Dunkin Donuts.

 

[HannahT]

The definition of racism is, 'a person who believes that a particular race is superior to another.'

What your describing doesn't fit it. People tend to get carried away with that definition today, and seem to have forgotten its true definition.

People respond to abuse in different ways. You could be Leary of a person that has red hair - if your abuser had red hair. That doesn't make you racist either.

Healing does odd things to people. You have rational fears and irrational ones. It sounds to me like you are attempting to deal with some pent up anger you were not allowed to feel when in the relationship.

I once heard a counselor that dealt with abuse victim describe it like this: Your a pressure cooker that was not allowed to show feelings during the relationship. The pressure inside the cooker continued to build. Once you got to a safe place the lid was allowed to come off - and all that steam just exploded. Some aspects of your life will cool, and others are allowed the healthy simmer that most in the human race use from time to time. Others parts of it are just junk that needs to be processed and let go of.

Give yourself some time, and you will begin to realize once again that not everyone has be scary.

 

[DZoolander]

I think it all depends on the scope of what you're talking about.

For example - I was married to an Asian when I was younger. I know LinkH will disagree with me here (lol - we've discussed aspects of it before) - but after my divorce with her and the experience I had with her family - I swore never to date an Asian again. There simply are too many cultural differences that IMHO can become problematic in certain types of situations (mainly - I found the family to be far too intrusive in our business when I had made the decision to divorce - and it went BADLY.)

So - yeah - I said I would never date an Asian again. Is that racist? IMHO no - if I've only confined it to the dating context. Who really cares or is hurt by the fact I wouldn't ever look at an Asian as a suitable partner again? That doesn't mean I don't enjoy their company, enjoy friendships with them, etc. It just means that an Asian woman was no longer a viable marital partner in my eyes.

So - ehhh - I think it all depends on how far your resentment takes you.

 

[ananda]

It is one thing to be racist (which I'm against), it is another thing to be culturally biased (I have no problem with this).

 

[seeingeyes]

I feel racist toward any black men now after years of being in an abusive, controlling, relationship with my black husband.

I am white and have always had a preference towards black men until now.

I feel resentful that whenever i was with a black male- he was often abusive or controlling or violent or a cheater.

am I wrong for now being racist toward black men?

I do not like black men at all now and feel disgusted when I hear and see the typical behaviors come out of most of the black men I have ever known.

am I considered a full blown racist now that I no longer am attracted to black men and now that I see most black males as "ghetto" and abusive?

If what you are looking out for is skin color, then expect to find yourself in an abusive relationship with a pale-face man in the near future.

 

[Verve]

Wait, so you're still with your husband?

 

[Blessedj01]

You're stereotyping but I do get you. I think you just need to let it go and find somebody who loves you. Move away from having a 'preference', that tends to make you fall for patterns and not things that are real.

 

[iLove]

Please read the bible, the book of James chapter 2.
James makes it crystal clear that if any Christian shows racism, favoritism, sexism, legalism, partiality, or any type of discrimination towards any person(s) based on your own standard and not Gods standard you have sinned. You have violated the "royal law" which is love your neighbor as you love yourself. He further states that God now looks at you as a murderer and a adulterer. He says you are living under the law and not grace. Life and death is in the power of the tongue.

 

[Messy]

I feel racist toward any black men now after years of being in an abusive, controlling, relationship with my black husband.

I am white and have always had a preference towards black men until now.

I feel resentful that whenever i was with a black male- he was often abusive or controlling or violent or a cheater.

am I wrong for now being racist toward black men?

I do not like black men at all now and feel disgusted when I hear and see the typical behaviors come out of most of the black men I have ever known.

am I considered a full blown racist now that I no longer am attracted to black men and now that I see most black males as "ghetto" and abusive?

When I was 16 I had this guy from church I was friends with and he kinda tried to rape me and years after that when I saw a black man I got that feeling of disgust, they're all like that. I heard that it was a curse because they took the best slave and he had to get kids with a lot of women. It really took a few years before I repented and didn't have that feeling anymore.

 

[Blessedj01]

When I was 16 I had this guy from church I was friends with and he kinda tried to rape me and years after that when I saw a black man I got that feeling of disgust, they're all like that. I heard that it was a curse because they took the best slave and he had to get kids with a lot of women. It really took a few years before I repented and didn't have that feeling anymore.

It happens. Won't name a race but when I see people who look like the guys who tried to kill me, I feel unwarranted rage. I'm getting better now but it still happens. If anyone reminds me of those guys my instinct is to fight, which is not good. I just wanna see a human not an enemy. When it first happened it was so bad I shoved a guy across the street cos he touched me. This is back when I was scared of all strangers. It's just trauma and you heal from it.

 

[iLove]

Please read the bible, the book of James chapter 2.
James makes it crystal clear that if any Christian shows racism, favoritism, sexism, legalism, partiality, or any type of discrimination towards any person(s) based on your own standard and not Gods standard you have sinned. You have violated the "royal law" which is love your neighbor as you love yourself. He further states that God now looks at you as a murderer and a adulterer. He says you are living under the law and not grace. Life and death is in the power of the tongue.

We are required as Christians to go the second mile. This also includes forgiving all people as commanded by our savior Lord Jesus Christ. Even though your flesh will rebel, say it anyway that you have forgiven them and then you have obeyed.

If this is not done you will not experience John 14:21 AMP - The person who has My commands and keeps them is the one who [really] loves Me; and whoever [really] loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I [too] will love him and will show (reveal, manifest) Myself to him. [I will let Myself be clearly seen by him and make Myself real to him.]

There is a difference from knowing God will never leave you nor forsake you vs. John 14:21 AMP. We should want to experience John 14:21 AMP also.

Say this prayer:
Father I am obeying your instructions and I choose by faith to forgive [say the person name(s)] the same way you forgave me. You do not hold anything against me and I do not hold anything against them. Thank you for your perfected work in me. In Jesus name Amen.

 

[ananda]

Forgiveness comes only with repentance.

 

[HannahT]

iLove - the bible also speaks of compassion, empathy, and mourn with those that mourn.

Your little speech may have the correct time, but now is NOT that time. As the bible also says - everything has its season.

Right now the poster needs a sense of support, and not the way you are using scripture in order to shame repentance out of her. What she speaks about is hurt - not racism. Can't you see that?

If shaming the person wasn't your intention? Maybe double check your delivery, because it sure came across that way.

There are tons of stories in the bible of people struggling, telling God to take revenge, and a whole more. His immediate reaction was not to call people murderer, adulterer, etc. I mean WOW...seriously? I think you forgot a step there.

 

[HannahT]

Forgiveness comes only with repentance.

I know many people feel that way. For me? I choose to forgive despite repentance. Lack of forgiveness is like a poison, and it only hurts me. It certain circumstances it does take a while to let go, and allow God to do what he must. Yet, at that point? I don't even need to know what he did. I've moved on, and found peace.

lol now if you want to say TRUST may return with contrite repentance? I would whole heartily agree with you.

 

[mkgal1]

I agree with the people that have said this isn't racism and that it's more a matter of a momentary stereotype and/or bias (because of trauma). It's really the same thing if your husband drove a lifted pick-up truck or a late model Mercedes, and you grouped men that drove those same vehicles into the same category as your husband.

It's a fresh wound....and it's going to take some healing, but eventually I'd expect you to get passed it (or else you wouldn't be truly healed).

Like someone else suggested....there is no external signs for who is and isn't an abuser.