lost faith in love and need a change of heart

[bluegreysky]

So this isn't another rant thread about how "I can't find a boyfriend and I'll probably die alone" because that isn't the case. If anything, there's one friend I could get together with and there have been other guys who looked my way recently.
I also haven't sustained any fresh wounds. All the bad things done to me by guys happened a few years ago.

So that's why I don't understand what I'm feeling or how to even really describe it. Let's just call it a '"dire pessimism due to lack of faith". And it's only affecting my outlook on men. Not on God's love or on a parent's love for a child or any of that.

I look around me and I see... a 50+ % divorce rate. I know of six short-lived marriages myself. One, a girl who was a dedicated christian and aspiring missionary, practically 50-yard-dashed to the altar with a guy from church and not even a year later they were done.
Then an old friend's twin brother decided to take up with a good friend but shortly after the vows, she turned manipulative and only 2.5 years later, he is only getting to see his 2 babies every other weekend...
Then it was when I made a friend last year who'd moved to FL from Ohio because she needed a fresh start after divorcing her high school sweetheart, who'd been cheating on her...with a man.
After I met her, a guy showed up to bible study rambling on and on about how he'd only been married 7 months and then got diagnosed with PTSD and had a mental break, causing his wife to leave him.
My old best friend from back home started dating a guy who'd been separated from his wife since about 6 months into the marraige and called it quits for good just like a few days before becoming an item with her.
Now, a guy I've known for nearly 10 years, kind of liked me in high school (it wouldn't have worked out for us), but married someone else in 2011 after being single 4 years and dating her 2. Just last week, they went down to court and ended it because "he couldn't deal with her med school residencies and they made better friends then married people anyway"

So many pathetic excuses for 2 people to call it quits on a life long committment. As for the 2 who had manipulative wives, I still feel like after "till death do us part" y'all BOTH should try harder to change your attitude.
The only one I'm kind of "ok" with is the one who had a gay husband cheating.
It's like all these other people treated their lifelong love like it was just another college dating situation. "Hey we're husband and wife, but we've been going out too long and we have some stuff not in common and let's break up so we can see other people".
Does that sound right to you?

Add that + the divorce rate + media about all these famous people breaking up and swapping + When you hear about the trashy folks who leave a common law spouse with a bunch of a kids for a "hotter more fun" boyfriend/girlfriend...
+ hardships I've endured with love
= I feel depressed.

Then there's all the married people are church. young with new babies. They seem like they are in love. I'm not convinced.
I am conviced they are either 1) faking it to keep up appearances or 2) they are in love but it's only becuase God blessed them for being so pure (unlike me).

Today, after work, I could go talk to my best friend, who is a guy, whom I've talked to about getting together.
If not that then I could go down to a local bar or coffee house or on match.com and by the time my head hits the pillow to go to sleep for work tomorrow, I could be officially "someone's girlfriend".
They are easy to get.

It's keeping them I have no faith in. ultimately, I'm conviced everyone will fail me.

 

[REPHAIAHPEDAHEL]

Since when are you supposed to live your life basing on the bad experiences of other people?

 

[bluegreysky]

well, let's say a restaurant opens up in town. most of your friends go. everyone gets food poisoning.
Are you going to repeat their mistake?

 

[Quasicentennial]

Quite a variety of life problem experiences where we expect marriage to be perfect, and all this happening while Jesus is quietly fighting off this spiritual attack from Satan who tries to make dishonesty-infected divorce a celebrity academy award fashion culture:.
Communication + honesty = perfect marriage
Being honest by saying something that you think might annoy or anger your partner, is like shooting the gun at the start of a running race and the athletes haven't a clue what that gunshot loud bang is for:.
So before saying anything, caution or warn your partner to show respect by saying: "This is going to shock you so lock down your feelings of anger or whatever that might shoot your mind off into an argument or make you dash off into the sunset" :.
That's all I'm advising so far unfortunately because of idol worship where Jesus can be brushed aside like insignificant dust .;'*';.

 

[seeingeyes]

The biggest problem with marriage is that it takes two people.

What exactly are you looking for?

 

[Alvis]

Since when are you supposed to live your life basing on the bad experiences of other people?

Yeah, living in a bubble or a pipe dream is much better.

 

[W4MK]

well, let's say a restaurant opens up in town. most of your friends go. everyone gets food poisoning.
Are you going to repeat their mistake?

That's right, but you still gotta eat! Just because those marriages didn't work doesn't mean they can't. Go back to the Creator of Marriage. He has the secrets to marriage. But are you telling me that people don't stayed married anymore? You'd be crazy. I know people who've been married for 60 years and died with that partner like my great-grandfather. Then my grandpa (his son) has been married like 45 years. Then his son (My dad) 24 years soon to be. So marriage works, but God must be in it.

 

[W4MK]

To stay married you must stay on the same page. In the same book. The Bible.

 

[LoricaLady]

We are living, I believe, in the last days when there is supposed to be a "great falling away". Men, and women too, are being hit with inappropriate contentography and messages from our media such as you mentioned with celebrities. To top that off Messiah told us that "few" would take the straight and narrow path, and most would take the path to destruction. Obviously you want one of the few.

But how do you tell who will hang in there for the long haul, or even be real in the short term? You can't. The world and people are filled with deception. The only answer is to get as close to Messiah as possible, because He does know, indeed, whom you can and cannot trust. In the meantime, like most everyone else on the planet (which includes me most certainly) He no doubt has some things He wants to work on regarding your own development.

Praying you will just not dwell much on this issue for awhile, only on getting closer and closer to Messiah.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

I was a little thrown off by stats of divorce and stuff. But just because others have bad marriages and so on doesn't mean that show yours might be. The two of you determine where the marriage goes. Not statistics or anyone else. My wife is from another country and we tell people we will be one of those couples that lowers the divorce rate number. Think of it positively and ignore what goes on around you. Better yet just have faith in God about a relationship.

 

[amandatea]

The most important thing is understanding, for yourself, the principles of how to keep a marriage happy (truly, not just conditionally) and thriving. Looking at how others do things is going to drive you insane.

Just do your best (with the help of Jesus) to follow the precepts that God has laid out in the Bible.

I think something else that is very important is to NOT RUSH into marriage. Many people seem to be in a big hurry to get married when they're "in love" and they don't have any patience. It's important to take the time to get to know your furture husband/wife because people can present a false self to the world.

The longer you know them, the more layers of fakeness come off. Not saying that people do this malignantly, but it's mostly a natural thing to appear smarter/more successful/prettier/happier and also, sometimes, an element of defence mechanism. Some people do lie and if you can figure out that they're lying before you're married and "trapped", that would obviously be much better for you. As you are patient, the initial stage of infatuation is more likely to wear off, the stage which can blind you to bad or even dangerous things about the person. This is very important.


Something that affects a lot of marriages negatively, is that once they're married - as portrayed in the media - they start to believe that their life is over. They don't continue to learn things about their spouse, they don't continue to make the effort to be kind and generous and loving toward their spouse. I have quite a few aunts/uncles on my mom's side who have been married for around 40 years and they still seem to be as much in love as the day they got married. That doesn't happen magically: you have to work at it. But it is worth the work.


Trust God, put in the effort and make the decision to love your future husband and you probably don't have a ton to worry about in this issue.

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

So this isn't another rant thread about how "I can't find a boyfriend and I'll probably die alone" because that isn't the case. If anything, there's one friend I could get together with and there have been other guys who looked my way recently.
I also haven't sustained any fresh wounds. All the bad things done to me by guys happened a few years ago.

So that's why I don't understand what I'm feeling or how to even really describe it. Let's just call it a '"dire pessimism due to lack of faith". And it's only affecting my outlook on men. Not on God's love or on a parent's love for a child or any of that.

I look around me and I see... a 50+ % divorce rate. I know of six short-lived marriages myself. One, a girl who was a dedicated christian and aspiring missionary, practically 50-yard-dashed to the altar with a guy from church and not even a year later they were done.
Then an old friend's twin brother decided to take up with a good friend but shortly after the vows, she turned manipulative and only 2.5 years later, he is only getting to see his 2 babies every other weekend...
Then it was when I made a friend last year who'd moved to FL from Ohio because she needed a fresh start after divorcing her high school sweetheart, who'd been cheating on her...with a man.
After I met her, a guy showed up to bible study rambling on and on about how he'd only been married 7 months and then got diagnosed with PTSD and had a mental break, causing his wife to leave him.
My old best friend from back home started dating a guy who'd been separated from his wife since about 6 months into the marraige and called it quits for good just like a few days before becoming an item with her.
Now, a guy I've known for nearly 10 years, kind of liked me in high school (it wouldn't have worked out for us), but married someone else in 2011 after being single 4 years and dating her 2. Just last week, they went down to court and ended it because "he couldn't deal with her med school residencies and they made better friends then married people anyway"

So many pathetic excuses for 2 people to call it quits on a life long committment. As for the 2 who had manipulative wives, I still feel like after "till death do us part" y'all BOTH should try harder to change your attitude.
The only one I'm kind of "ok" with is the one who had a gay husband cheating.
It's like all these other people treated their lifelong love like it was just another college dating situation. "Hey we're husband and wife, but we've been going out too long and we have some stuff not in common and let's break up so we can see other people".
Does that sound right to you?

Add that + the divorce rate + media about all these famous people breaking up and swapping + When you hear about the trashy folks who leave a common law spouse with a bunch of a kids for a "hotter more fun" boyfriend/girlfriend...
+ hardships I've endured with love
= I feel depressed.

Then there's all the married people are church. young with new babies. They seem like they are in love. I'm not convinced.
I am conviced they are either 1) faking it to keep up appearances or 2) they are in love but it's only becuase God blessed them for being so pure (unlike me).

Today, after work, I could go talk to my best friend, who is a guy, whom I've talked to about getting together.
If not that then I could go down to a local bar or coffee house or on match.com and by the time my head hits the pillow to go to sleep for work tomorrow, I could be officially "someone's girlfriend".
They are easy to get.

It's keeping them I have no faith in. ultimately, I'm conviced everyone will fail me.

God won't fail you - but if you're looking at the world instead of His word, it will be very hard for you to remember that. put you focus on knowing God through His word and recognizing His situational leading - you can wait 30 or 40 years like most people do, but the longer you wait to seek Him with your whole heart the harder it will be to believe His promises to you, because you'll suck up more of the world's lies as you focus on what happens to most people while you grow older - and as a Christian, you are NOT like most people

 

[theophilus40]

Have you considered the possibility that God wants you to stay single because he has some work for you that you couldn't do as well if you were married?

 

[Queen of the Highway]

What is all this? You need to seize the power offered to you by God. Become like Death with her many chains to grab a man you want, to bring him to paradise. Be proud of who you are, and the jewels God has given you. Use what you have and be who you are. Find your inner aphrodite as a wife of God, and use that love God gives you to shine. It is up to you as to what you want. Ride free under the sun of God's grace.

You should not be looking out there for God. You should look in your own heart.

Get a motorcycle, and drive.

 

[WatchmansMoon]

You're right to be discouraged by divorce statistics, but unless you're feeling led by the Lord to remain single, don't assume you have the same chances of failure. My husband and I are going on 28 years of marriage now. It's not always perfect, but we love each other and are committed for the rest of our lives, just like we vowed at the altar. There are so many factors that influence the high divorce rate, many mentioned here already, but there are so many tools available to help safeguard your marriage, too. It takes work, you can't just coast. How many of those failed marriages you mentioned had pre-marital counseling, for example? How many "dated" one another regularly after marriage? How many took advantage of marriage retreats, etc?

I work for a marriage and parenting ministry (Focus on the Family), and we have so many resources available to married couples. We've addressed just about every challenge a marriage can face, and have an entire section of our website dedicated to just marriage enrichment - so, the help is there, but you need to be proactive in staying healthy, prioritizing your relationship with your spouse, problem-solving, acting selflessly, building "hedges" to protect, etc. A God-honoring marriage reflects God's glory and provides a safe environment to raise healthy kids in. So unless you're truly called by God to remain single, are you willing to reject it because it looks too hard?