Sooooo...I think my mind is starting to play tricks on me Lol. I originally said I would stop drinking, completely, but now that I think about it...that may be a stretch. I'm thinking about never being able to enjoy a nice glass of wine or fine martini and it kind of makes me...blah. What if I just drink in moderation (i.e. a martini @ a lounge if I go out w/ my friends) and just not drink solo @ home?? Good idea or bad idea?
This is from one of my blogs, sorry it is so long, but I hope it helps. It was not written specifically for you, but addresses your questions very well. The quoted part came from the official text of Alcoholics anonymous, and I have underlined parts that you apply to your questions. The rest is my experience:
Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people.
The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death. We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed. (Pg. 30 Alcoholics Anonymous)
Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic. If anyone who is showing inability to control his drinking can do the right- about-face and drink like a gentleman, our hats are off to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people!
Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only,
limiting the number of drinks,
never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties,
switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip,
swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums - we could increase the list ad infinitum. (Pg. 31, Alcoholics Anonymous)
The problems starts with our refusal to think we are different than other people. Part of this may be because of the ridicule, often justifiably, that alcoholics are subject to. It may be caused by the belief that we are weak people, which may be true, but often is not. But I believe the main reason is because we like the effect of alcohol, and
cant imagine life without it.
I remember the first time I got drunk. All the fear was gone. I was able to live with the pain in my life. I became lively and happy. I enjoyed life
even if it only lasted for the evening. The thought that went through my mind was, how do I get more of this, and how do I make sure I dont run out. Early in my drinking career, I enjoyed my drinking, and it caused few problems for me and others around me. It was a wonderful solution to all my problems. But the problem was, that over time, this solution eventually stopped working. I needed more, and needed it more frequently. As time went on, it no longer worked, and it became a problem itself. But, it still was able to quiet my problems, as long as I remained drunk.
How could I ever imagine committing myself to a lifetime without having another drink. If I were to admit that I was an alcoholic, I would be admitting that I couldnt ever have another drink. This thought was depressing. I wanted to prove that I could handle it, by any method I could think of. But they always failed. Fortunately, there is a way to solve this problem. It is easier than many think, and it does not involve forcing ourselves not to drink. The solution causes us to no longer think about drinking. We no longer think about not drinking. Alcohol simply is no longer the preferred solution to our problems.
So, If having described the physical and mental aspects of alcoholism, you can say yes I am like this and would like to find the solution, read the rest of my blogs, or send me a comment.
The first thing you have to admit is you are powerless over alcohol and that your life has become unmanageable. If you are an alcoholic of this type, you will be like many of us. Either you will go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of your intolerable situation as best you could, or admit it and find a solution.
My next blog will discuss the types of human power we have tried to overcome our drinking, and what our experiences have been with these methods.