Good Jokes

[CoachR64]

I love to laugh and I like a good joke. So, I started this thread for people to post some of their favorite jokes. Maybe you heard them from a friend, or maybe you got it in an e-mail. I just want this to be a fun thread to post good (remember they have to be PG13 or better, no raunchy stuff) jokes and have a good time.

I will start with one I just got in an e-mail that I thought was pretty good.


Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to
each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and

I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had
that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when

you wake up they give you lots of jello and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision. "

And the second kid says, "Whooooa, good luck buddy .....I had
that done when I was born .. Couldn't walk for a year."


Coach

 

[CoachR64]

I found another one for you sports fan...

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."


Coach
[/FONT]

 

[GoodNewsJim]

Here's one I heard on Slashdot.org like yesterday:

Article: The government is going to be installing flesh detecting cameras so they can determine if a real person is in the passenger seat. This part isn't a joke, it is real. Easy too if you think infrared.

Well someone said,"I guess that means the end of dummies riding in the front seat."

Next guy said,"That means half the cars will be have no people in them at all."

Next guy said,"Why do you say half, I think more than half of the people riding in cars are dummies."

Another guy said,"Well some cars have people riding in the back seat.

 

[ido]

A big biker dude is on his Harley stopped at a traffic light. A little old man about 80 yrs old pulls up next to him on a Ve"spa. The biker looks over at the old man and revs his engine. (insert Harley engine sound here). The old man looks over and smiles and says to the biker, "That's a really nice bike, mind if I take a closer look at it?" The biker nods, "Sure, go ahead." The old man leans waaaaaay over and gets about an inch away fromthe bike and looks it over from top to bottom. He leans back and tells the biker what a nice bike it is.

Just then, the light turns green, so the biker decides to show off and takes off like a bat outta h-e-double hockey sticks. He looks in his rearview mirror and laughs as he sees the little old man is just a speck in the distance.

All of a sudden, he sees the speck rapidly approaching. The next thing he knows, the old man on the Vespa goes flying past him doing well over 100 mph. He goes quite a distance ahead of the biker, stops, turns, and starts back towards him again. Once again, he goes whizzing past the biker doing 100+. The biker watches in astonishment as the old man stops yet again and heads back towards him. The biker slams on his brakes, trying to figure out what the heck the old man is doing. The old man comes flying up and slams into the back of the Harley.

The biker gets off the bike and stares in disbelief at the crumpled Vespa and the old man all tangled up in it. He leans over and asks the old man, "Dude, are you all right?" The old man croaks out his response...








"I'm OK, but would you mind unhooking my suspenders from your handlebar?"

 

[justaGUYnamedROB]

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions
at the entrance:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value
of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any
item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor,
but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have
jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and
are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have
Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men
Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and
Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store
just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives who love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives who love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

 

[dluvs2trvl]

Uhmmm...hey Coach - you didn't mention Jessica Biel!

 

[dluvs2trvl]

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin who was 5 and Ryan who was 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

 

[Gardener101]

 

[sunshineray]

Sigh... all I know is dirty jokes....

 

[Gardener101]

(Don't ask)

 

[radhead]

I would like to post "Family Circus" cartoons here. I just don't know how. Funniest strip of all time.

 

[Gardener101]

Done it for you Radhead. Enjoy!

 

[A Taffer]

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to 'Where do pets come from?'

Adam said, 'Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.'

And God said 'No problem. I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and it wagged its tail.

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him Dog.'

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.'

And the Lord said, 'No problem. I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't care one way or the other.

 

[radhead]

Thanks, Gardener. I think the last one might be a satire. No offense, though.

 

[radhead]

These are the kind I like:

One of the kids is talking on the phone to his grandmother and starts to tell her about an argument the parents were having. "...And them mommy got mad and daddy and said..." While the mother is looking up in surprise from the background.

 

[radhead]

That's funny, A Taffer.

 

[radhead]

In another one the mom is getting ready for Christmas decorations and you see the father's mom in the background helping. One of the kids comes up and says to his mom, "Grandma says she's not putting up a tree this year because no one ever comes over to look at it."

 

[Gardener101]

In another one the mom is getting ready for Christmas decorations and you see the father's mom in the background helping. One of the kids comes up and says to his mom, "Grandma says she's not putting up a tree this year because no one ever comes over to look at it."

Radhead, you know you can find the ones you like and post them yourself if you click on this link

 

[Gardener101]

 

[Uniting]

A Taffer rocks