I am sorry about the struggle.
But I take issue with the idea that the first person who is hurt in a battle is you. Sorry, that simply isn't true as it takes anywhere from 20 min up for the police to show up at our work, and we work right across from the police station.
Hi,
We are talking a uniqueness in me. The last time I was in a major engagement, and the first time I was in a major engagement that I had time to think, this is what happened. In both of them, I killed myself off, psychologically before I had to engage. Yet, I noticed that even in situations where I am totally calm, that is what happens and I just don't notice it.
As near as I can figure it out for me, I am a coward, I think. To get around that, I kill myself off by telling myself I am dead. I can acutally believe this. Since I have died. Since I am dead then, I do not have to fear dying, and now I am calm just trying to do my job, as I have already died.
When I was 61, even though the first time I am looking at a person threatening to kill everyone unless they all give up the money, I was not 21 yet if I am right, I have done everything wrong to find out about a situation. The Psychiatrists gave me a list of dont's, and I needed to find out about a person, so I violated those.
I was working with a person then, that they told me then, to now expect to possibly be killed, as this is the only type of mental illness where it is now possible, and you have just done something, to where that type of mental illness always responds.
Yes, I am dealing with a full blown mafia type then, and we have at least three indications of her having tried doing in individuals on three occasions. One of those individuals is gone, the other can't be found and hasn't been heard of in years. I am the third.
Having been through this routine many times before, I just did my job, in trying to stay alive. I became very tired after three days and nights being on constant vigil. On the fourth night, I just said fine! I meant whatever happens happens. I did mentally kill myself off three days before, so I would not be afraid of dying.
The fourth night, at about 2:00 in the morning, it went down. They made a mistake though. It wakened me, of course I moved positions and waited. I might have made too much noise and because of that, I had time before things became a full blown fire fight, as they thought about the error, and now they were in a really bad situation because of the defenses set up, that they were most certainly not expecting. Nor was I at the time, it was accidental.
I thought about my feelings, as I am waiting. I was bored and then became angry. The anger came from how many years, I have been doing this sort of thing, and how boring it is to wait and wait and wait. Then it was 45.
Of coursew when it was all over, I had the chance to try and turn into a normal human again. I asked everyone around me then. I was told it would take me 18 months. It took all of that, but I felt normal quicker. I just wasn't normal for awhile.
I have discussed this issue with all people like me, those who actually get into it. I hated telling people of doing that, but am told that none of them, think I am any the less for doing this.
However, if you think being like me, or being any one of my equivalents is not an injury, then why do we all talk to each other, to try and stay normal. I have also PTSD, to the max, and every soldier forced into firefights, whether they are police, or victims of domestic abuse, or crime, or fight in full out wars or even working with animals, has a form of this, it seems.
When I was young, military and police types were my constant 'mental health' therapists. Now that I am older they still are, but now I help otthers in being hurt by engagements.
Here's an other one for you. I was working with my second sniper, who was really screwed up over his service. When he finally disclosed to me the details of what he did.....instantly looking at him, I said to him: "And each one of those hurts." He looked at me, maybe a little stunned, with a hopeful look of how can you know that. He is fine now. It took years for me to get him to do nothing more than talk, and realize how being a soldier is parenting the world in that way. He gets hurt, mentally for each engagement, so his surrogate children, which is all of us, don't have to be hurt. But, He/She is always hurt in every engagement first, and always.
I am the first one, in every engagement to be hurt. If you think that is wrong of me, as those like me, and see what they think. Maybe I am wrong, but I need something to keep fear, from causing a problem, and that is what I use.
Also, it happens even when I am unaware even when there is no time to think, and I only new it, in those slow engagements because I did have time to think.
LOVE,
...Mary., .... .
