Of course there are many different ideas of Christianity.
- the Catholic idea (unity with a visible institution - the Catholic Church)
- the Eastern Orthodox idea (kind of like Catholic but not as black and white)
- the Protestant idea (trying to recreate and follow the original Church by reading the Bible, listening to God, etc. and ignoring later traditions)
- ... and all kinds of combinations and variations
I used to think that there might be some Christians who were actually listening and following God and that I might be missing out on the purpose of life by being an atheist - maybe even dooming myself to hell. I recognized that God seemed to ignore me, but I thought there was a 50% chance that God might be somewhat like the God described in the Bible and consider some form of Christianity to be the right religion.
Now the probability I assign is so small that these are no longer concerns. I think the way we live our lives is like a child drawing with crayons. God is the parent who hangs our masterpiece on the refrigerator with a magnet and pats us on the head when we die. Or maybe there is no God at all. Either way, we must find our own way through life.
I like the image of Him hanging the masterpiece on the fridge. When I think about that it is interesting.
I think you have looked at the detail of Christianity and been overwhelmed and also that you have been impacted by Christians who have imposed their view of Christianity on you, and the way it has impacted you is not comfortable. Eventually you have found and accepted that it is more comfortable to reduce the impact of that "Christianity" on you. Assuming that is accurate, and I find it to be understandable, I am concerned that you have also chosen to discard the basic truths of Christianity when you don't need to, and that in doing so and believing that it is right to do so, you might be depriving yourself of something beneficial and even possibly harming yourself or setting yourself up to potentially harm someone else's ability to appreciate the basic truths of Christianity. Those basic truths that I am thinking of are:
- Love God
- Love the people around you
- God wants to give everlasting life to those who look after others
- God wants to get rid of those who do not look after others
I think whatever else is packed around those principles is done because life has a diverse range of concerns, situations, and people like to understand things so they feel comfortable that they are safe. And it is OK when people find their comfort by understanding things differently (sometimes it might not, eg when their understanding is not true).
But the problems that the detail of Christianity brings happen when people don't really understand for themselves what they believe, but they have chosen to believe for some other reason. For example, lots of Christians believe what they have learned about Christianity because they have assumed it is necessary to believe it otherwise there is a risk they might suffer endlessly. They have a very right desire to not be subjected to that, but they have made a mistake (and been encouraged to do so probably by someone who made the same mistake), by choosing to make that assumption when it is possible to make other assumptions instead.
Another way people can choose to believe things without having formed through understanding, is maybe they feel accepted if they do, and part of something they admire. Just as a gang prospector admires the gang they are pursuing, a Christian might admire the church they are pursuing. Then when they discover the criteria for being accepted as a member of that church is to believe what the church teaches, the teaching of the church becomes what they teach others. That is a rote faith. But in contrast, you might find some Christians out there (albeit comparatively few) who have formed their beliefs, and indeed continue to form their beliefs, by solving the problems through fair and reasonable thought. Never just accepting what someone teaches on the basis of what personal desires it appeals to, but looking to see how to make sense of the available information.
I am presently engaged in this process as I question the validity and origin of substitutionaty atonement doctrines, and finding that scriptures given in support of those doctrines do not require the acceptance of that doctrine and do not necessarily support the doctrine. The doctrines themselves appear at this stage to be unnecessary and I have known for quite some time that they can be harmful to Jesus Christ's cause (which is to mediate man to God so we can approach Him in freedom and confidence, that we can know Him, love Him, and do what He requires of us).