31 and Ready to Settle Down--Need Advice

[anonymous052280]

I'm 32 and yes, I'm more than ready to settle down. All my young life, while others were dreaming of becoming CEOs, lawyers, doctors, teachers, I only wanted to be a good mom and a good wife.

I come from a deeply religious family but my mother wasn't really a mother. My father, on the other hand, was a mother and a father to us. He worked as a lawyer and would prepare our lunch and dinner and buy us the things girls needed.

For years, my greatest fear was that (1) I would turn out to be as irresponsible as my mom and have children who are emotionally bruised and (2) that I wouldn't find someone as good as my father.

But the desire to settle down and have my own family is stronger than my fears so I quit my job to focus on my personal life. Yes, i never socialized when I was working. Last month, I've went on dates with this guy whom I've known for 3 years in a casual way-- you know "Hi", "Hello", "Let's have lunch", "Sorry, I'm busy. Maybe next time."

I think I like him-- our upbringing is the same, he seems unpretentious and best of all, he can cook but I'm not sure if he's the one. I thought that if i fall in love my heart would beat fast and would always look forward to seeing him and those stuff. But with him, I feel comfortable-- like being with my brother. I really would like to get to know him better to see where this is heading but can't because of the nature of his job, he's gone for 10 months in one year.

How would I know if HE is the one?

 

[A Taffer]

The best advice I can think to give is to wait on God, I waited for nine long years and I finally have a nice christian lady that I'm going to marry in October!

 

[Luther073082]

I'm not sure if quitting your job was the best plan. . . Do you mean you left your job for a different one that takes less time?

In terms of this guy, if he's not willing to go out with you then you probably arn't the person for him. Work on finding another person. Socialize more. Thats really all there is to it.

 

[anonymous052280]

The best advice I can think to give is to wait on God, I waited for nine long years and I finally have a nice christian lady that I'm going to marry in October!

So happy for you! How did you know that she's "the one"?

 

[dayhiker]

From what you said he may not be the one. being gone 10 months of the year will mean that your almost like a widow much of the year. But if it turns into love, you might find a way.

 

[anonymous052280]

From what you said he may not be the one. being gone 10 months of the year will mean that your almost like a widow much of the year. But if it turns into love, you might find a way.

 

[Johnnz]

By getting to know him better. That's how e make friends - same with your 'best friend'. Don't be afraid of being procative, just avoid being 'pushy'.

John
NZ

 

[GrumpGrump]

A "comfortable" relationship isn't always best-- sure, stability is nice, but there's a lot to say for relationships that challenge you to be a better/smarter/more successful (however you may define success) person. I used to have comfortable relationships, and I never once thought someone was "the one." I just assumed that the relationship would grow to the point where marriage seemed like the reasonable next step. Both of my two long-term relationships (one was 4.5 years long, one was 2 years long) were with men who were kind, stable, and ambitious, and I loved them. But I had hesitations-- "Well, I might marry him some day, depending on whether we can get this one issue worked out... We'll see. We can figure that out later."

And then I met my current significant other, and I realized that there were many different kinds of love. The love I had with my other boyfriends was safe and warm, but it wasn't exciting or challenging. This boy is brilliant and attractive and funny and perfect for me. For the first four months of our relationship, I would get butterflies every time I was going to see him. I don't believe in "love at first sight," but the attraction I originally felt for him developed a foundation of love that hasn't faded. He challenges me on all fronts-- to succeed professionally, to be a better girlfriend, to conquer my fears, and to behave in accordance with my principles. At the same time, he's the stability in my tumultuous life, unfailingly supportive, and one of the most admirable people I've met. I cannot think of anything that would make me happier than marrying him someday. I have no hesitations, no if-then clauses. That's how I know he's the one, because I don't wonder if he's the one.

If after a month, you're still feeling lukewarm ("I think I like him"), I'd say... there's something missing, it seems.

Can you branch out? Maybe look into online dating? If you have a discerning eye, you can pick someone who would be good for you without going on a hundred first dates. I met my current bf online. I had to sift through 130 messages, but weeded them out carefully, and ended up going on one date. Which happened to be with the love of my life. The internet has a few good things hanging about.

So anyway. Maybe a relationship with someone like a brother is what you're looking for, but from your "I think I like him," it sounds like you're just not feelin' it. Not to mention, he's gone 10 months out of the year and you're going to have a hard time getting to know him. It sounds like you're not looking to waste time.

I share Luther's concern about you quitting your job, just in terms of what kind of dude you're looking to attract. Personally, I want someone who's attracted to me not just for my mothering/wifely assets, but is also attracted to my intelligence/ambition/competence/self-sufficiency/etc. I'd want to make sure those qualities of mine were visible, which I'd probably do by having a job. I'd be suspicious of a guy who was unconcerned about my intelligence/ambition/competence/etc.

One final insight, and then I swear I'll shut up: If I were a guy, I'd be pretty wary of a woman who completely quit her job to go husband-shopping. That, to me, would say she's reached a point of desperation, and she might be willing to settle for something less than perfect just to get married.

Anyway, best of luck!

 

[elenore]

why don't you ask God to choose your husband, and trust him.