Male / Female Friendships

[Goodbook]

Well I can't speak for anyone else, but I know two couples that have been divorced in the last few years... both were serious Christians, and in both situations their women cheated on their husbands. Christian or not, people make mistakes. My best friend is an atheist, and more ethical than many Christians I've met. I think it just comes down to the person themselves.

Did they cheat with a friend or was it just random. As this guy was a supposed best friend of the husband for a long time. It was shocking when found out but its public knowledge now.

Best friends might be ppl you have know the longest but doesnt mean they are christian. Cos you could have met them before you were christian. Im not sure its even christian to have a 'best friend' as thats shows favouritism..Judas liked to think he was Jesus best friend...

 

[Goodbook]

Ethics and morals or virtue arent always the same methinks. You can also be ethical in some things but totally unethical in other areas. but God calls us to be holy.

Christians that sin need to repent and ask forgiveness. All of us were sinners, christians can ask their sin to be forgiven and the strength to have it put away...those who sin are more in need of God than those who dont. But worse off is those who say they dont sin at all cos ALL of us have sinned and fallen short thats how we come to Jesus in the first place.

 

[Tetra]

Did they cheat with a friend or was it just random. As this guy was a supposed best friend of the husband for a long time. It was shocking when found out but its public knowledge now.

Best friends might be ppl you have know the longest but doesnt mean they are christian. Cos you could have met them before you were christian. Im not sure its even christian to have a 'best friend' as thats shows favouritism..Judas liked to think he was Jesus best friend...

One was an exercise friend, the other was a pastor.

The stats don't look good for Christian's, which is why I'm saying it doesn't matter. It comes down to each individual's ethics.

"... Carder notes that adultery and divorce rates in the evangelical population are nearly the same as the general population in the United States. Being a Christian does not lessen our chances of having an affair."

- Why Affairs Happen​

 

[2Timothy2:15]

One was an exercise friend, the other was a pastor.

The stats don't look good for Christian's, which is why I'm saying it doesn't matter. It comes down to each individual's ethics.

"... Carder notes that adultery and divorce rates in the evangelical population are nearly the same as the general population in the United States. Being a Christian does not lessen our chances of having an affair."

- Why Affairs Happen​

The stats do not look good for "Christians" because of a few reasons. Sound doctrine is hardly being taught regularly in churches these days...it is hard to tell the world from the church...

Numbers are up because there is a comprised church out there listening to watered down messages from hirelings looking to cash paychecks and not really shepherding the flock as they should. Part of being a pastor is teaching people sound doctrine and that often includes things they do not want to hear....but I digress, a pastor starts showing people the truth in the word and suddenly people do not feel so comfortable and leave and so does their money....

 

[Tetra]

The stats do not look good for "Christians" because of a few reasons. Sound doctrine is hardly being taught regularly in churches these days...it is hard to tell the world from the church...

Numbers are up because there is a comprised church out there listening to watered down messages from hirelings looking to cash paychecks and not really shepherding the flock as they should. Part of being a pastor is teaching people sound doctrine and that often includes things they do not want to hear....but I digress, a pastor starts showing people the truth in the word and suddenly people do not feel so comfortable and leave and so does their money....

No, I respectfully disagree. You're painting this picture that if there was "sound doctrine", less "watered down messages", and less focus on "paychecks"... all of a sudden Christian's would be impervious to cheating?

There are a lot of problems in the church, but fixing those will not change the stats... because fundamentally, this is a problem with people, not the church.

 

[2Timothy2:15]

No, I respectfully disagree. You're painting this picture that if there was "sound doctrine", less "watered down messages", and less focus on "paychecks"... all of a sudden Christian's would be impervious to cheating?

There are a lot of problems in the church, but fixing those will not change the stats... because fundamentally, this is a problem with people, not the church.

NO I am painting a picture that if there was more sound doctrine, less hirelings, there would be less of this going on. You do not agree if the whole counsel was being preached consistently that it would not have an impact?

Sure, there is a sin problem. But even out of your own mouths you guys testify how even a pastor cheated on his wife.... Then there was someone on here justifying that their husband plays tennis with some woman because she hates tennis...he can't find a man to play tennis with? Seriously...

I would say if there was more solid teaching and true pastors out there this would "fix" or avoid a lot of these situations for sure. It is fruit man. Fundamentally this is a SIN problem, not a problem with "people". Since sin is not addressed it flourishes, a little leaven leavens the whole lump eh.

 

[Tetra]

NO I am painting a picture that if there was more sound doctrine, less hirelings, there would be less of this going on.

I know, and respectfully, I think you're wrong.

Then there was someone on here justifying that their husband plays tennis with some woman because she hates tennis...he can't find a man to play tennis with? Seriously...

I see nothing wrong with this, nor can I even think of a basis that would make this wrong.

 

[2Timothy2:15]

I know, and respectfully, I think you're wrong.


I see nothing wrong with this, nor can I even think of a basis that would make this wrong.

You are entitled to think I am wrong, but that does not make me wrong.

The fact you see nothing wrong with the tennis partner yet you and others talk about how infidelity happens yet seem clueless to the things that set the stage for such infidelity. There is an old saying, hang around in a barber shop long enough and often enough, eventually you will get a hair cut.

 

[Kiterius]

Assuming you're married, would you care if your wife / husband has a best friend (or friend) who was the opposite sex? Do you think this is an ethical issue? Just curious what others think here.

It doesn't bother me that my wife has friends of the opposite sex. However, I would care if her best friend was. Beyond the possible temptation that could be involved, I would feel that she was emotionally involving herself in another man too much.

 

[YouAreAwesome]

I know, and respectfully, I think you're wrong.


I see nothing wrong with this, nor can I even think of a basis that would make this wrong.

I don't know the stats, but let's say 1 in 100 people cheat on their spouse. How do we ensure it is a 1 in 1000000 for us? We limit the potential. We place firm boundaries in place to ensure it won't be us. It's not a "fluke" for some and "unlucky" for others. It takes intentional decisions of protection, as well as learning how to communicate needs. Not easy, but worth it.

 

[Paidiske]

Then there was someone on here justifying that their husband plays tennis with some woman because she hates tennis...he can't find a man to play tennis with? Seriously...

Oh good grief. My husband also plays tennis with male friends. It just so happened that that was one example I could think of where my husband had a friendship with a woman that I felt was totally innocent.

I think the things that "set the stage" for infidelity are not so much honest friendships, but things like selfishness, lack of communication skills, lack of conflict resolution skills. Things which directly erode the marriage.

 

[YouAreAwesome]

Oh good grief. My husband also plays tennis with male friends. It just so happened that that was one example I could think of where my husband had a friendship with a woman that I felt was totally innocent.

I think the things that "set the stage" for infidelity are not so much honest friendships, but things like selfishness, lack of communication skills, lack of conflict resolution skills. Things which directly erode the marriage.

Every relationship is different for sure, and as long as both parties are happy with how you've established it, all good. One thing that might get missed is that every relationship goes through its ups and downs. It's in those (hopefully rare) down times where problems can occur. If one partner is close to a person whose gender they are attracted to, it makes those times much more dangerous. I just wonder why it's so important? I can get all my needs met by my wife, I don't need extra female friendship - even though I have female friends - but I would never hang out with them alone or talk about intimate subjects.

Do we think we are above temptation? How is it that a pastor can cheat? Or David in the bible? I see the damage it causes and walk the narrow road on this one. Marriage is more important than family, work, friends, and even children. We should do everything we can to ensure its sanctity.

 

[Paidiske]

The difference there is that I don't think I can meet all of my husband's needs, or he all of mine. Marriage is our primary relationship but not our only one!

And I'd say this too; I see many men who, when their wives die, really struggle because they had set up a dynamic where their wife met all their needs. But suddenly their wives are gone and they have no other support network.

I'm not arguing there for friendships with women if that's not your thing, but I'm saying be wary of isolating yourself too much outside your marriage; that isolation can be debilitating later on.

 

[Tetra]

The difference there is that I don't think I can meet all of my husband's needs, or he all of mine. Marriage is our primary relationship but not our only one!

And I'd say this too; I see many men who, when their wives die, really struggle because they had set up a dynamic where their wife met all their needs. But suddenly their wives are gone and they have no other support network.

I'm not arguing there for friendships with women if that's not your thing, but I'm saying be wary of isolating yourself too much outside your marriage; that isolation can be debilitating later on.

You and I seem to side with one another on this topic. I truly hope my wife doesn't expect me to fulfill are her needs, she will be disappointed.

I don't think it's that people are above temptation either. I think it's just that western Christendom obsesses about it. People paint a picture of men being sex crazed animals that have no self control, and women can't help themselves but be susceptible to our advances... this is insane. I mean... better not play tennis with a girl, cause you know... tennis leads to sex.

 

[YouAreAwesome]

The difference there is that I don't think I can meet all of my husband's needs, or he all of mine. Marriage is our primary relationship but not our only one!

And I'd say this too; I see many men who, when their wives die, really struggle because they had set up a dynamic where their wife met all their needs. But suddenly their wives are gone and they have no other support network.

I'm not arguing there for friendships with women if that's not your thing, but I'm saying be wary of isolating yourself too much outside your marriage; that isolation can be debilitating later on.

So you have other male company who meet needs your husband doesn't?

 

[YouAreAwesome]

You and I seem to side with one another on this topic. I truly hope my wife doesn't expect me to fulfill are her needs, she will be disappointed.

I don't think it's that people are above temptation either. I think it's just that western Christendom obsesses about it. People paint a picture of men being sex crazed animals that have no self control, and women can't help themselves but be susceptible to our advances... this is insane. I mean... better not play tennis with a girl, cause you know... tennis leads to sex.

Tennis can lead to sex. Talking on the phone can lead to sex. Just about anything can lead to sex. But it's not just about sex straight away, it's about the danger building a relationship with a person of the gender you are attracted to outside of your committed relationship. I see no need for it so why flirt with danger? The reality is, people cheat! So, why not do whatever it takes to stop this from happening? Why not limit relationships for the sake of the most important one?

I'll change the subject slightly as you can see my position clearly I hope.

Where do you draw the line?

 

[Paidiske]

So you have other male company who meet needs your husband doesn't?

Sure. I think I referred to some of that above; I'm able to share and reflect on work matters with male friends who are colleagues in a way that I can't with my husband (for example). When I was a student, I would have said similar for my fellow-students.

I guess my approach isn't, "Can I possibly see something bad coming from this?" in which case, I avoid it. After all, taken to extremes that would mean never doing anything. I'd rather explore the potential for human goodness as much as I can, and I see friendship as part of that.

 

[Tetra]

Where do you draw the line?

Well, where would you draw the line with a male best friend? I guess that's how I look at it. Whatever I'd do with a male best friend, I'd do with a female friend.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

So you have other male company who meet needs your husband doesn't?

My husband is not a car guy...my male friends meet the need I have for racing, for working on my car, for getting together with other car people. There aren't many women into the whole muscle car, racing scene...I'm into it so my male friends meet that need I have in that way. Most, if not all the guys are married to women who are not into the car scene...however, in all the years I've been racing, showing, working on cars, I've NEVER looked at any of the guys romantically...mostly because in other ways, they're not "my type"...my husband is "my type". He has hobbies I'm not interested in that he pursues that have many women involved...am I worried? Heck no!

 

[YouAreAwesome]

Sure. I think I referred to some of that above; I'm able to share and reflect on work matters with male friends who are colleagues in a way that I can't with my husband (for example). When I was a student, I would have said similar for my fellow-students.

Yes, I would agree with both of these examples. I have friends at work also. I suppose my point is that the conversation should remain surface level only and friendships should also be surface level only. Would you agree?

Well, where would you draw the line with a male best friend? I guess that's how I look at it. Whatever I'd do with a male best friend, I'd do with a female friend.

I would talk about my wife with my male best friend. I would talk about anything with him. Are you sure this is your stance? For example, would you talk about your wife with your female friend? Would you ask for advice on how to please her? Would you tell her your problems? Would you sleep over alone in your house? etc.