10 Simple Ways To Get Your Wife To Have Sex With You

[Dave-W]

Is it healthy to love someone when you're not getting anything in return?

It is not only healty, it is godly.

 

[RDKirk]

It is not only healty, it is godly.

Not in a marriage relationship, which is what this thread and this forum area is specifically about.

 

[Dave-W]

I think mutual love and respect go a long way. However, if you're only complimenting your wife or helping around the house because you want something then your motives aren't exactly pure.

I'm also tired of the idea that men only think about sex and are so desperate for it that they have to either jump through hoops or somehow manipulate their wives to get it. I obviously can't speak for all men but sex isn't the top priority in my life and I certainly don't do things for my wife with the expectation that she'll do something for me in return. I strive to love her as Christ loves the church, not as someone who expects something every time I do something that pleases her.

I do not know how your marriage goes, but I can tell you when it has been several months since your last time and it may be several months more, sex is front and center in your thoughts (unless you are finding an alternate form of relief).

I heard this statement several times early in our marriage:

"I went for 10 years without anything before we married, and I can go another 10 starting right now."

That can tend to make one desperate.

 

[Dave-W]

It is not only healty, it is godly.

Not in a marriage relationship, which is what this thread and this forum area is specifically about.

Actually it is. We are COMMANDED by Paul to love our wives as Messiah loved the church. We are to be a picture to the world of how he reaches out to us.

"For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly."

So if she is being neglectful or even openly hostile, we are still to love her sacrificially. Even if you have not had sex for 6 months and she screams at you if you even hint at it or show a "bulge."

BTDT

 

[LinkH]

I had a look at the article. Some of the advice probably isn't that bad. Lots of hugging and kissing may get a wife in the mood. That's how newly weds act. It seems like common sense. Little things like greeting your spouse at the door with a smile and a hug and kiss can improve the marriage overall and the sex life. If a couple falls into a pattern of arguing and doesn't have any positive interactions, that's probably going to hurt their sex life.

The part about the wife and kids reminds me of something I heard on Christian radio, probably Focus on the family, where a husband and wife were talking, and the wife said if she saw her husband playing with the kids more, that made her want to have sex with him more He said, "Kids! Get in here right now!"

 

[RDKirk]

Actually it is. We are COMMANDED by Paul to love our wives as Messiah loved the church. We are to be a picture to the world of how he reaches out to us.

"For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly."

So if she is being neglectful or even openly hostile, we are still to love her sacrificially. Even if you have not had sex for 6 months and she screams at you if you even hint at it or show a "bulge."

BTDT

Wait, do you think I'm only talking about sex? You've read enough of my writing to know I'm deeper than that.

No, I'm not only talking about sex.

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. -- Genesis 2

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. -- Matthew 19

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. -- Ephesians 5

A man can't cleave unto nothing.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

What we really need is an article for women that says "Top 10 reasons why you need to stop avoiding sex in your marriage.". Because for as much as women complain about men not caring, women can also be the same way. For some you can essentially treat them like a queen and still be denied sex for no reason at all. Though I don't think we should have to "do things" to obtain sex. Like "I'll do the dishes if we have sex later!".

Sex is about many things. But when it comes down to it the first thing men need to do is romance their wife. Their engines takes awhile to warm up. This is why many women think of sex as a chore because men don't think about what the woman enjoying it. Wam, bam, thank you mam is not how it should work.

Likewise women who are lucky enough to have men who know how it works, don't make a invalid excuse not to have sex. Its one thing if your having a period, got major health issues.... essentially anything that prevents you from having sex. Buy just saying "I just don't want any right now!" is not an excuse. Well assuming you don't have plans of course.

I've said it before but marriage is like a clocktower. There are lots of gears. For some sex is a bigger gear. For others its smaller. In either case that gear, like the others, can rust and eventually break and stop the watchtwower from working. So make sure to keep the gear oiled and working. Obviously this applies to all the gears, not just the sex one.

And while cheating is NOT an option. It often times happens because of sex related issue. You deny someone so long then they begin to wonder away and they find other ways to oil that rusty gear. Again... its not an excuse to cheat. But people need to realize alot of problems in marriage had a point in which they started that both people need to trace back and repair.

 

[Dave-W]

Wait, do you think I'm only talking about sex? You've read enough of my writing to know I'm deeper than that.

No, I'm not only talking about sex.

No - and neither was I. You said:

Is it healthy to love someone when you're not getting anything in return?

And I wrote even if she is openly hostile and abusive we are still to love them as Christ loves the church. That is both godly and healty.

 

[Dave-W]

What we really need is an article for women that says "Top 10 reasons why you need to stop avoiding sex in your marriage."

No - what we need is for churches and families to stop indoctrinating young people of how evil sex is; How much God hates sex even in marriage.

We then need to tell them those feelings that come up are good and godly and how to properly manage them until marriage. (something that REALLY works)

And we need to find a way to stop children from being molested by parents, siblings, etc.

Then young girls will stop growing up to avoid sex with their husbands.

 

[Avniel]

I think this is where men have been emasculated. Just be yourself and if she doesn't like that oh well.

If a man has to get his wife to have sex it's an indication they shouldn't have sex. Where's their own self respect?

 

[mkgal1]

By "emasculated"....do you mean that men are being manipulated for sex? What's the phrase when women are manipulated for sex, I wonder?

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Call me naive, but I don't see how a husband and wife who truly love each other and have each other's best interest in mind (as opposed to selfish "what's in it for me" motives) would even face this issue. If my husband wants sex from me, he should have to do nothing more than ask. If I want sex from him, all I should have to do is ask. We don't have to bribe each other by doing all those other things, which get done anyway because they need to be done. It's completely unrelated to sex.

And if a man were to preemptively threaten me with divorce if I did this or stopped doing that, before we were even married, I wouldn't marry him. That sounds like the move of a control freak.

 

[Dave-W]

What's the phrase when women are manipulated for sex, I wonder?

Rape.

 

[Dave-W]

Call me naive, but I don't see how a husband and wife who truly love each other and have each other's best interest in mind (as opposed to selfish "what's in it for me" motives) would even face this issue. If my husband wants sex from me, he should have to do nothing more than ask. If I want sex from him, all I should have to do is ask.

That only works in a perfect world, but Adam fell and messed that up royally.

in the REAL world if you just ask, you get dirty looks or excuses or risk being called "oversexed," "pervert," "addict," and phrases like "I went 10 years without ANYTHING before we got married; and I can go another 10 starting RIGHT NOW."

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

That only works in a perfect world, but Adam fell and messed that up royally.

in the REAL world if you just ask, you get dirty looks or excuses or risk being called "oversexed," "pervert," "addict," and phrases like "I went 10 years without ANYTHING before we got married; and I can go another 10 starting RIGHT NOW."

Well, that depends. Is he hitting her up for more sex after they've already done it four times that day? Does he want to do things she's not comfortable with, and she's told him that, and he keeps pushing? Does he care only about how much she can please him, and show no concern at all for whether it feels good for her too? Above all, is he affectionate with her only as a prelude to sex, and never at any other time? Then I can see where she'd be turned off.

Edited to add, in all fairness, an absolute lack of a sex drive isn't healthy either. Marriage should involve sex. Going ten years without it is the other extreme from the multiple times a day, and both are unbalanced. Within marriage, it is absolutely not "perverted," or "sinful," or any of those other things. Any married person who rejects the entire idea of sex with a spouse needs a medical checkup first, and counseling if there isn't anything physically wrong.

 

[Dave-W]

No - thats more like not having had it for a month or 2.

Well, that depends. Is he hitting her up for more sex after they've already done it four times that day?

No - more like it has not been done for several weeks or even a month or 2.

Does he want to do things she's not comfortable with, and she's told him that, and he keeps pushing?

Does having "regular" count?

Edited to add, in all fairness, an absolute lack of a sex drive isn't healthy either. Marriage should involve sex. Going ten years without it is the other extreme from the multiple times a day, and both are unbalanced. Within marriage, it is absolutely not "perverted," or "sinful," or any of those other things. Any married person who rejects the entire idea of sex with a spouse needs a medical checkup first, and counseling if there isn't anything physically wrong.

So what about this phrase? "I love you; but I wish sex would just go away."

Now to be fair - there were severe abuse issues that were at play - plus a LOT of very negative and condemning sexual messages from parents and church.

Do you not think her responses were justified in that situation?

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

So what about this phrase? "I love you; but I wish sex would just go away."

I'm sorry, but that sounds to me like a need for professional help.

In my scenario about the woman being turned off, I was not referring to your specific marriage. I was talking about extreme situations. I was envisioning a man who asks for way more than what is typical, and then calls her frigid when she doesn't keep up with his higher than average drive. I wasn't picturing a woman refusing it entirely, even though his drive is within normal parameters, until I went back and read previous posts.

Years ago, I read a book called "Healing for Damaged Emotions." It was written by a pastoral counselor. One of his clients was telling him that her husband wanted to do "disgusting things" with her, but when he asked for more information, what she was describing was nothing but normal marital sex. It turned out that she had been sexually abused as a child, and even then she described it as, "When I was a child, I did some bad things with...." She couldn't tell the difference between what her abusers wanted her to do, and what her husband wanted her to do. If it was wrong and sick and twisted in one setting, then in her mind, it was wrong and sick and twisted in any setting. Was she healthy? Of course not. She needed help. (She did not need to be threatened with divorce if she didn't start putting out, as was suggested earlier.)

Her responses, I think, were justified with her individual background, but that doesn't mean it's healthy, and that doesn't mean it should continue being that way. I was trying to avoid mentioning (but I shouldn't avoid it, because awareness-raising is a good thing) that I was also a victim of childhood sexual abuse. I've had years of therapy to overcome it. Her emotional scarring is not her fault, but that doesn't mean it should be left alone and not dealt with.

 

[Dave-W]

""She did not need to be threatened with divorce if she didn't start putting out, as was suggested earlier.""

I agree. We are men. We can take it. We HAVE to take it.
Divorce is completely unscriptural in this situation.

 

[mkgal1]

What's the phrase when women are manipulated for sex, I wonder?

Rape.

I agree that's an accurate term in answer to my question (or coercion--depending on the circumstance)...but I think Avniel may have been making a bit of a different point (after I thought about what he'd written). I *think* he's suggesting that women are basically expecting men to "jump through hoops" for sex.....and he (Avniel) considers that "emasculating" and men ought to not go along with that (instead---"just be yourself and if she doesn't like that...oh well"). I'm not sure that's the recipe for a successful marriage....

 

[Avniel]

I agree that's an accurate term in answer to my question (or coercion--depending on the circumstance)...but I think Avniel may have been making a bit of a different point (after I thought about what he'd written). I *think* he's suggesting that women are basically expecting men to "jump through hoops" for sex.....and he (Avniel) considers that "emasculating" and men ought to not go along with that (instead---"just be yourself and if she doesn't like that...oh well"). I'm not sure that's the recipe for a successful marriage....

By "emasculated"....do you mean that men are being manipulated for sex? What's the phrase when women are manipulated for sex, I wonder?

No I do not mean manipulated for sex I mean begging for sex like a little puppy that see's a new neighbor you've invited over. If a man is begging his wife for sex every night he's a super punk and needs to do something to change his outlook on himself. Now before everyone says I am trying to encourage rape by calling him a super punk, he's a super punk because he doesn't see enough in himself not to beg for sex.

The reality is constantly being turned down and begging for sex is not conducive for a successful marriage. This way at least the man has his self respect. I think that women enjoy the power that controlling sex gives them, once you love yourself enough to not beg someone for sex it removes the bitterness and it changes the dynamics.

I believe men are taught that sex has to be so important to them. While it is important, as men in a society that women will use sex as a tool I say if you're unhappy with how you get turned down........................stop asking all together, stop wanting to have sex with her, change your thought process, work out, take cold showers, but dont beg a woman that doesn't want to sleep with you.