Continuing on without him/her

[Christianwidow]

Christianwidow, may I ask you. What ways do you think the church could better service widows? Ours only has a meeting once a week. I don't even know how they find out about widows. If you can think back to your needs in the beginning (which I know for me were many) do you have any suggestions?

Hello my dear friend, memoriesbymichelle. That is a very good question. As a widow, the only time I recall anyone in the church supporting me during my time of grief was on the few days before my husband went Home, and the few days after. I received cards in the mail the first week of being a widow. After that, I was on my own. I was in a very loving church, but I honestly don't think they knew what to say or do. Even now, being a widow, when someone loses their loved one, it is very difficult to find the words to comfort someone. We know what the Scriptures say, but when someone is going through the trial, they don't want to hear that. Even though they love and believe God's word. All they want is for their life to be back the way it was. They want their loved one back with them. No matter what people do or say, it just isn't enough. I don't think having a church group for widows is enough either. You are still attending a function without the one you want to be with. You are still carrying on conversations with someone who you really don't want to talk to. You are still listening to a group of men and women who are going through the same thing you are going through which is another day without the one and only person you want to be with. Does that make sense? For me, belonging to a group would not have helped. I just drew so close to the Lord and cried out to Him because He was the only one that truly knew what I was going through - what my heart was feeling. That is how I got to where I am today. Truly content being a widow, knowing I am very special to my Lord, and wrapped in the arms of my Savior. Did this answer your question, Michelle?

His widow,

Christian Widow

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Yep I totally agree with you. I did not go to grief counseling. I did not care to sit around and cry and listen to others do the same. I needed people though. I just think there's more to be done and maybe now that I am in the 7 year mark I could help. I would say just DO, don't ask what they need, cuz they don't always know and they don't want to appear needy alot of times. At least I didn't. I need to think more on this.

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

Christianwidow, one thing I recall about being a recent widow (although I don't remember every comment) were the odd things people would say to me just after my husband died. Or sometimes they'd avoid me altogether, they'd practically run in the other direction! Yes, folks could be awkward.

While I found encouragement in church members during those earlier years of widowhood, it was the Lord Who I leaned upon. He not only comforted me in grief, but reminded me in a significant way that I was and am blessed! And while my husband was great, he did pass away; whereas Jesus will never leave us nor forsake us. One scripture that I've relied upon ever since is as follows,

"For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called." Isaiah 54:5

Some of the women in church who helped me were the senior widows who've also been Christians for a long time. I remember being recently widowed, and sobbing in the pew one Sunday morning. This lady came over, sat next to and wrapped her arms around me through the entire service. Although she's petite, she held me like a baby.

Another widow from the same church that I called upon suggested that while she grieved, she learned not to dwell.

In that first year, a female student of the Bible with a young child was at home a lot, so she invited me over every Friday for about 6 months. We studied the Word together, this was of great value to both of us.

And I have a hunch that the replies here minister to you just as much as you minister to others. Blessings!

 

[blackribbon]

What is "dwelling" on being a widow? I am reminded that I'm a widow every single morning of my life from the minute I have to fall out of bed and parent my kids alone, make all the decisions, and be everything to everyone. This goes until I fall back into a bed that is equally empty as the one I fell out of in the morning.

I would not have made this without leaning completely on God. He has provided continuously. My kids are thriving. My life is moving forward. However, I feel dead inside.

I am confused...as a "good Christian", am I supposed to pretend that I am okay so that I don't make anyone else uncomfortable. Are we really supposed to be "lone Christians" and do it alone? Or is it really supposed to become "okay" that he died at some point?

Am I failing at being a Child of God on top of everything else I can't do? I do feel alone and lonely at times.

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

What is "dwelling" on being a widow? I am reminded that I'm a widow every single morning of my life from the minute I have to fall out of bed and parent my kids alone, make all the decisions, and be everything to everyone. This goes until I fall back into a bed that is equally empty as the one I fell out of in the morning.

I would not have made this without leaning completely on God. He has provided continuously. My kids are thriving. My life is moving forward. However, I feel dead inside.

I am confused...as a "good Christian", am I supposed to pretend that I am okay so that I don't make anyone else uncomfortable. Are we really supposed to be "lone Christians" and do it alone? Or is it really supposed to become "okay" that he died at some point?

Am I failing at being a Child of God on top of everything else I can't do? I do feel alone and lonely at times.

blackribbon, I feel alone and lonely too. For the longest time I was ashamed to admit that; such denial got me into trouble at one point, for which I've since repented. Now I talk about it... in fact, I'm going to have a meeting with my pastor to discuss the same, maybe this week. He wants me involved in ministry but I need to clear the air with him prior to my committing.

If I were to "dwell," it could possibly be my demise. I have a lot of responsibility, just like you! Because of this, it behooves me to be in the solution, and besides, I wish to enjoy life. My late-husband would have wanted it that way too. I thank God daily that I've been able to make it this far as a widow; it's by Jesus alone that this has transpired. Take care.

 

[blackribbon]

I attend a monthly widows group at a nearby church...(the one at my church is great but conflicts with my kids' activities). I live for just having the fellowship with other women who just "understand". This is the absolutely only thing that I have in my schedule that is just for me. However, it is also the place where I see women who try to pretend that life is okay while their eyes show that they are not.

In the past, I have gotten my best support from young widows forum because since we were basically anonymous, we could be completely honest about our problems and our realities. I needed this to help me understand that I was still on the spectrum of normal and not going completely insane.

However, as I go further along this journey, I need to find people who are beyond basic survival mode and have a world view similar to mine. I also need help finding out "what now" now. In the beginning, I fought so hard to do it all by myself both because I needed that to not completely fall apart, and I needed to be a bit self-focused as I learned both who I was now and some very important lessons that God was teaching me. Now I need help but I'm old news. Nobody knows what to do with me. Somehow my expiration date for having needs must have past.

I don't even know what it is exactly I need now but I need something that I can't find.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I have found that after a certain period of time (and who knows who gets to decide this) people around me just expected me to be OK. Move on, they would be in shock that I wasn't dating yet. It's been 7 years now, and they no longer are trying to get me back in the dating game (thank God!) but they do expect me to be "over" it. But the thing is, like us that have been thru it know, you don't get "over" it. EVER. Why should I have to get over it? I did not want my husband to die! Well I have been able to function and get on with the life I now have even though it's not the life I would have chose, nor the life I currently want but....it is what it is.
I no longer care what people think about where I "should" be. I will openly tell my friends about a dream I had of my husband or how something made me sad. THAT is who I am now.
For me dwelling would mean every free moment I had sitting around crying and sulking. I used to know a woman that lost her son at 18. She has since went to be with the Lord. When I met her, I found out that every year on the anniversary of his death, she would sit home and cry all day. I understand the pain of losing someone, I really do, but I don't think doing this ritual is honoring them, God or yourself. The year that I met her we convinced her to go to a women's retreat that happened to fall on his anniversary. She went, she was changed and grateful to get out of her funk. It's like when you do something so long, you are almost afraid to NOT do it anymore because somehow that means you don't care about the person that died anymore even though that is not true.

 

[Christianwidow]

Good morning to all,
I wanted to change the subject just for a little bit. Today is my birthday, and I wanted everybody to know that. Laugh with me today as I post this silly little reply.

Christian Widow

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Happy Birthday to yooooouu! Happy Birthday to yoooou, Happy Birthday dear Christianwidow, Happy Birthday to yooooooo! And many more!!!!

 

[Christianwidow]

Thank you, Memoriesbymichelle. I'm laughing as I am picturing you singing it. What fun!

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

Happy Birthday, Christianwidow!

 

[Christianwidow]

Thank you, Thylovingkindness.

Christian Widow

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

What are you doing for your Birthday?

 

[Christianwidow]

What are you doing for your Birthday?

Right now I am sitting in my office that has been fully decorated by my coworkers. It looks like they took handfuls of confetti and threw it all over the place. There are balloons and streamers everywhere. What a wonderful blessing!

Christian Widow

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

What about cake? LOL That's the most important part! Glad you have such wonderful people to work with!

 

[blackribbon]

Happy Birthday.

 

[Christianwidow]

As a matter of fact, memoriesbymichelle, they just surprised me with a cake. CHOCOLATE. Yum. And, yes, I do have wonderful people to work with. They are Christians, so that makes it even better. Another blessing from the Lord for this widow.

Blackribbon - thank you for wishing me a happy birthday. May you have a blessed day.

Christian Widow

 

[Rememberme]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRISTIANWIDOW!!!

 

[Christianwidow]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRISTIANWIDOW!!!

Thank you so very much, Rememberme.

Christian Widow

 

[hopetoheal]

Happy Birthday. Thank you for your witness.