Your SOs Friendships

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

My almost-SO (we're in 'discussions' at the moment - laying down groundwork, developing things slowly, etc) has a lot of friends that are female. I also have friends that are men.

My problem is that he and a particular girl often talk about meeting up for dinner. This other girl has a boyfriend, and of course, Brad has me. I feel VERY weird about this. I talked to him about it, and he just doesn't see a problem with it, as he doesn't see her in the same light he sees me. To him she's just a friend.

Now I know, if it was a marriage - it would be simple. You shouldn't go out with another man's wife/woman's hubby alone to dinner. But what about this situation?

Women - have you experienced this? Can you explain it? I'm not jealous per se, nor am I afraid that they'd get together - I know they only see each other as friends, and she's deeply in love with her man, as Brad is saying he is with me. I just feel, deep down, this is wrong.

Men - Am I over-reacting? Should I be calming down? How would you feel about your girlfriend going out with a male friend without SOs being around???

Anyone who has an article on this, or some valid discussion points about how to help me relax about it, and also about how it is risky to a relationship, would be warmly welcomed!!!

I have talked to him about 'opinions of others' (ie someone from church sees it and assumes something and tells me). He says that it shouldn't be a problem since he would all ready have told me, and I shouldn't feel so bad about this going on.

Part of me would like to then go out with a male friend of mine, but I feel it would be more retaliation than because I want to - when I'm in a relationship, I refuse to go out with my male friends alone - only when there's a large group of people, or my SO is there as well...



Sasch

ps. Sorry if I babbled...

 

[Surfungus]

I don't know. I know that if the girl I'm with has a bunch of male friends it really gets on my nerves. A few is ok, but sometimes it gets out of hand. The girl I was with for a year and a half had a ton of guy friends. At first it didn't bother me because there weren't that many and she had known most of them for a really long time. But during the course of our relationship, every one of them (except one) at one time or another had confessed to being "in love" with her and trying to get her to be with them. By the end of our relationship she had way too many guy friends for my taste. She literally had almost 50 I think. I know she wasn't interested in them, but I knew they were interested in her. It really got on my nerves and hurt me a lot.

 

[JVD]

If you are courting...(are you?), then it is not only wrong, but you shouldn't have to tell him it is wrong.

If you have to convince him that it is wrong, then you need to evaluate his discernment. That fortells other situations down the road that will lead to huge problems if you get married.

Instead of trying to convince him of what he should do or not do I think you should let him do whatever he thinks is right. Then you should use that as a guide to his character so that you go into the relationship with your eyes open

 

[Pope Gonzo]

Now I know, if it was a marriage - it would be simple. You shouldn't go out with another man's wife/woman's hubby alone to dinner. But what about this situation?

What's wrong with that? I don't see much problem with people hanging out or going to dinner with friends if their spouse isn't available or just doesn't share the same friendship with the friend.

Yes, you are overreacting. The feeling will pass. Trust him. I struggled a lot with Steph's male friends before we started dating, and I still have struggles occasionally with it, but I'm getting a lot better. One thing that really helped me is the fact that I've got a couple very close female friends that if Steph overreacted to my hanging out with them, I'd just think she was being silly. Just yesterday I spent like 3 hours sitting on a park bench with a very close female friend of mine while she was working at a boat launch(they had a slow day).

Keep God at the center of your developing relationship and keep the lines of communication wide open - even when this is extremely difficult. If you may marry him(which if you're planning to date, I sure hope he's a candidate for being a husband), there will be lots of things that are hard to talk to him about. Trust in God and trust in his feelings for you and everything will work out.

 

[Sam the Record Man]

I think that if it bugs you, than it is a legitimate thing and not an overeaction. I think it would bug me a bit too if my girlfriend did that, I dont know if i would tell her, but it would bug me a bit. And I dont think its even a lack of trust, it just doesnt sit right with me.

but i think what might bug me even more, would be if she knew that it really did bug me, but insisted on going anyways. Cause I know that if she told me that something I did bugged her even jsut a little bit, i would give it up in a second, no matter how ridiculous i thought it was

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Pope,

In answer to your question (I have a lot of friends who just got married and this is number ONE of no-nos for all of them), it's because of the appearance it might give. You're married, and that person is not your spouse, and you're out to dinner with them - ALONE - it sets you up for a fall. HONESTLY.

Most good marriage counselling books advise STRONGLY against this.

Of course, if my hubby didn't particularly feel like going out with me, and I was going out to dinner with a married man, AND his wife, then I'd still go. Same if it was the married guy, plus a bunch of others (wife or no wife being present). It's all about 'the appearance of evil'.

Hope that helps you understand it a bit.

Sasch

 

[Pope Gonzo]

See, the "appearance of evil" thing really gets at me. My parents bring it up a lot. Yes, we are to avoid the appearance of evil. I don't think that having dinner alone with a woman that's not my wife appears to be evil at all (granted, if it's a romantic candle-lit dinner at a five-star resaurant, it's different... I'm talking about grabbing something at Denny's). And if someone did think that it appeared evil, then it's their Biblical duty to confront us about it. Upon confrontation, the matter would be easily resolved and they would understand that it's just two good friends having a conversation over dinner.

Having dinner does not set you up for a fall if you don't have the remote motivation to. If you've got a strong marriage that trusts, it shouldn't be a big deal.

I think it would bug me a bit too if my girlfriend did that, I dont know if i would tell her, but it would bug me a bit

Now that is a HUGE no-no. If something is bugging you in your relationship, talk about it! That's what communication is! It's just beyond me how people want to have good, strong relationships but are willing to hold back simple stuff like this. That's how relationships eat themselves apart from the inside out.

 

[mathias1979]

I think it would be at least appropriate for him to ask if you want to come as well. There's no reason why you shouldn't be invited. Sure, you may not be friends with the girl...but you're are a part of your SO's life now, and he should be proud of that and willing to share that part of him with his friends. If you turn the invitation down, then I don't think it's right for you to not allow him to have dinner with her...after all, that would pretty much be telling him you want nothing to do with the friendship and gives him the impression that you don't want that friendship to exist at all.

-Matt

 

[Cright]

Hi Sascha...



I think this is a good question and you will find MANY different answers.. most of them different! I'll give you my opinion.. but remember it's my opinion.. it doesn't mean that yours is wrong or that you should try to change your feelings.. my relationship w/ my bf is going to be different than you w/ yours.

My bf has lots of female friends (he hates for me to call them girl friends! hehe) Most of them married, one is dating our friend and another single. There have been many times that he's gone out w/ them and without me.

One time (the single one) was very sick, her family all lives out of state... he picked her up took her to Dr's and home.. shopped for her and picked up her Rx... [no probs here]



He stops by his friend Mari's house once in a blue moon.. most of the time her kids are there... her husband works 2 jobs and isn't always.. (They’ve known each other 9 years) I never have a problem w/ this. [no probs here]

Once a year he goes horseback riding w/ one of his friends.. they've actually only known each other a few years and have only met when they meet up for riding. She's an atheist and he uses the time to witness to her and enjoy the outdoors.. this year I’m invited (I didn't know him horseback riding day last yr).. but I wouldn't mind him going w/ out me if I had to work.. but since I really enjoy horseback riding.. I REALLY want to go! [no probs here]

One time... he went out to dinner alone w/ a chick I didn't know. I was not comfortable w/ it. I felt a lil like I wasn't invited because it was on a night that I had to work, and well.. he didn't invite me! I let him know I was uncomfortable and he said he would not go if it bothered me.. I told him to go since it was planned.. I didn't want to look like the overreacting control freak girlfriend. He hasn't mentioned her at all since that conversation. He did have dinner w/ her that night, but as far as I know they either haven't talked at all or only online. If he wanted to see her again, I would invite myself along even if I weren’t invited. [yeah this one I minded]



What it boils down to is that I don't care if he has "female/girl" friends, as long as I am allowed the opportunity to be friends with them too. With all of John's female friends I never had a problem w/ him hanging out w/ any of them even before I met them because he wanted me to meet them... that last girl he didn't seem to have any need/want/expectation for me to meet her.. and therefore I didn't like him having dinner w/ her.



Anywho.. I've rattled on long enough... hope you find resolution between you and your bf.. Make sure you talk to him and he doesn't brush off your feelings.



God Bless,
Carina

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Thanks for all your replies - did listen to them all!

And I have to respect those that think there isn't a big problem with a hubby going out with a girl alone, who is not his wife. It's just completely against everything I've been raised with and what me and my friends feel it is right.

And it's been pretty good - I've been able to raise my concerns, and he does respect me for them - and does get where I'm coming from. I'm pretty sure that now (with me being friends with the aforementioned girl's SO from years back), she and he would feel more comfortable with me attending, as well as her SO)...

I guess it's just one of those things - different cultural upbringings and beliefs!

I was never afraid of his cheating on me or her coming onto him - just it never sat right.


Sasch

 

[Jaegang72]

Hi Sascha. ( btw you look somewhat like Queen Armadilla?sp of star wars )

Firstly, guys as a species find it impossible not to have some (to however small degree) interest in an attractive female... whether she be married , single ,dating, divorced etc etc. Of course if the guy is totally a Timothy who is totally able 24/7 to treat a younger woman as sister, then that's fair.

Secondly, if an action of mine is causing my female partner to be uncomfortable and especially if that is vocalized, then I will absolutely not go ahead and do it... (disclaimer: I mean unless God in his word wants it done). Why? Because my female partner according to God's word is to be cherished.... my garment has been extended to enfold her... I want to protect her feelings etc. ( of course this is talking about married couples but principle applies )

Sascha, from what I can tell from looking at you.. and reading your post about this guy, he is probably a stud, really good looking. Who doesn't want a Joseph... ? But just be careful, listen to advice and try to discern above the beating of your heart . Beware the impassioned heart. Just be careful ok girl. Not asking you to drop him or anything lol but be careful.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

This is him

Wouldn't call him a stud - but he makes me happy

Sasch

 

[Banana Phone]

I think that if it bothers you, then it's worth discussing with him and bringing about a mutually agreeable solution. However, I don't know if I buy the keeping up appearances thing, but my relationship is different. You two know what your relationship is, and that is what is really important. If the appearance is what bothers you though, then I don't think you're out of line at all. I'm sure you'll figure out something that will make you both happy. God bless

 

[tryin...]

ok for me... i'ave been with a guy for a bit over a year. He has one close female who he'd go out alone with... However it would never be set up... sometimes i might set up a time alone with a best friend of mine, a guy... but my bf can come and he's invited usually... and the differnece is we are all best friends. No one will try anything. i trust him and her and he trusts me and him, so if you see my reasoning.
I think it s a case of whether you can trust him and wheteher you can trust her.

and talk to him about it

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

I guess it's bad memories from last time we dated - at that point he wasn't over his ex-defacto, and she was used to him dropping everything for her at any time of day or night (as well as bail her out whenever she was in a financial crisis), so I get a bit 'tetchy' over that particular relationship.

Thankfully, she's moved like an hour away from us now (so hence can't ask him to do stuff at a drop of a hat), is married, and he's made a greater and firmer commitment to me this time around.

I guess old behaviours die hard, don't they???

Sasch

 

[looksgood]

If you are courting...(are you?), then it is not only wrong, but you shouldn't have to tell him it is wrong.

If you have to convince him that it is wrong, then you need to evaluate his discernment. That fortells other situations down the road that will lead to huge problems if you get married.

Instead of trying to convince him of what he should do or not do I think you should let him do whatever he thinks is right. Then you should use that as a guide to his character so that you go into the relationship with your eyes open

This seems to be the best responce I think I have heard. At least in my opinion anyway. I know pope has said that a person will not fall and there is no reason for consern. True enough I trust my gf to not fall in such a situation. But at the same time...why even have the chance? I mean it isn't even a matter of trust I think. It is a matter of respect. I feel more than blessed that my gf has turned away a few friendships to "honor" me in her own words. It really shows comitment and a great love and respect. I am so thankfull for it too.

I personaly would do the same for her. The reason is not because I think I may fall...because I love her FAR too much. But the reason IS that I love her and respect her too much to be hanging around a lot of other women even as friends. It just wouldn't be right in me to have women around me at all times and be alone with them simply because I know that would make her uneasy.

I believe that if something like this is happening then AT LEAST set up rules so that both sides are happy. Like not being alone with the other person and making sure that each other is around in those "dinner with friends" things. I just think it would be disrespectfull to continue such a thing knowing it bothers my gf.