This is real interesting even for me..hehe
Your Love Is Not Enough
"I'm going to ask you to choose between two bad feelings," the
retreat speaker said. His gaze swept the divided room of 20-something
singles, the men on one side, women on the other. "If you had to,
would you rather feel alone and unloved in the world, or would you
rather feel inadequate and disrespected?"
What kind of a choice is that? I remember thinking. Who would ever
choose to feel unloved?
The speaker turned to the men's side of the room. "Okay, men. Who
here would rather feel alone and unloved?"
A sea of hands went up, and a giant gasp rippled across the women's
side of the room. I had just seen a truth demonstrated that many
women have somehow totally missed: Most men would rather feel our
respect than our love.
Since that day, I embarked on a mission to understand how men really
think and feel. I interviewed over 1,000 men: close friends,
strangers in the grocery store, married fathers at church, and the
single student sitting next to me on an airplane. I talked to CEOs,
attorneys, pastors, technology geeks, business managers, the security
guard at Costco, and the guys behind the Starbucks counter. I even
interviewed a professional opera singer and a former NFL offensive
tackle with a Super Bowl ring.
I learned a lot from these men, and quite frankly, I was astonished
by my findings more often than not. Probably the most important
revelation was the fact that husbands need-desperately need-to be
respected and built up by their wives. For a man, it's respect, even
more than love, that can turn a marriage into the delightful place of
companionship that God intended.
How Can That Be?
Most of us women want above all to feel loved and cherished, and so
we demonstrate the same to our men. In interviews, I've often heard
husbands say, "I never doubt that my wife loves me."
But I also heard many of those men continue, "However, I do doubt
that she respects me." The problem is that a perceived lack of
respect is as devastating to them as it would be for us to doubt
their love. In the professional national survey I conducted, the vast
majority of men (three out of four) agreed they could do without
love, but could not do without respect.I say "perceived" lack,
because while most of us do respect the men in our lives, we have
often unwittingly sent the opposite signal. For example, when he
makes a decision, we reflexively question it, or offer all the
reasons why he might be wrong. Or we second-guess his way with the
kids, believing our way is better. Or we publicly tell a "funny"
story about his inability to fix the plumbing on the fifth try. Or we
tell him how to drive and what lane to be in, and pressure him to
stop and ask someone else for directions.
We often don't see the implications of such behavior; we think we are
just being helpful, or have a more fitting solution. But for the
average guy, these actions are excruciatingly painful and say one
thing loud and clear: "I don't trust or respect you."
That loud message is also unbiblical, as is our cultural idea that,
while love is to have no conditions attached, respect must be earned.
The Bible tells us: "Nevertheless, each individual among you also is
to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it
that she respects her husband" (Ephesians 5:33). Many of us must
unlearn years of unbiblical assumptions and habits as we learn to
support our husbands in the way they truly need.
At this point, wives might be thinking, It's all about him. What do I
get out of this deal? God is the master of paradox, and just as
Jesus' unconditional love for us leads us to want to be worthy of it,
our decision to unconditionally demonstrate respect to our husband
leads him to want to earn it-and to adore us. A man who is honored
and built up by his wife will become the husband God created him to
be, one better equipped to shower his wife with the unconditional
love she craves.
The 30-Day Challenge
When speaking to groups of women, I often list numerous examples of
actions that their men might perceive as hurtful and disrespectful,
like those mentioned above. While that list is important, a wise new
friend of mine has developed a better starting point for how we might
take stock of our hearts and change our habits.When I was discussing
this subject and others as a guest on Nancy Leigh Demoss's radio
program, she issued a simple but profound 30-day challenge:
For the next 30 days, don't say anything negative about your
husband, either to him or to anyone else; instead, think and say only
those things that are worthy of appreciation.
While this challenge will not instantly fix every subtly
disrespectful behavior, it will root out many quietly destructive
habits and issues of the heart that we may never have recognized
before. And as we respect our husbands the way they need to be
respected, we will experience the joy of watching them become godly
men who love us in return.
by Shaunti Feldhahn
Your Love Is Not Enough
"I'm going to ask you to choose between two bad feelings," the
retreat speaker said. His gaze swept the divided room of 20-something
singles, the men on one side, women on the other. "If you had to,
would you rather feel alone and unloved in the world, or would you
rather feel inadequate and disrespected?"
What kind of a choice is that? I remember thinking. Who would ever
choose to feel unloved?
The speaker turned to the men's side of the room. "Okay, men. Who
here would rather feel alone and unloved?"
A sea of hands went up, and a giant gasp rippled across the women's
side of the room. I had just seen a truth demonstrated that many
women have somehow totally missed: Most men would rather feel our
respect than our love.
Since that day, I embarked on a mission to understand how men really
think and feel. I interviewed over 1,000 men: close friends,
strangers in the grocery store, married fathers at church, and the
single student sitting next to me on an airplane. I talked to CEOs,
attorneys, pastors, technology geeks, business managers, the security
guard at Costco, and the guys behind the Starbucks counter. I even
interviewed a professional opera singer and a former NFL offensive
tackle with a Super Bowl ring.
I learned a lot from these men, and quite frankly, I was astonished
by my findings more often than not. Probably the most important
revelation was the fact that husbands need-desperately need-to be
respected and built up by their wives. For a man, it's respect, even
more than love, that can turn a marriage into the delightful place of
companionship that God intended.
How Can That Be?
Most of us women want above all to feel loved and cherished, and so
we demonstrate the same to our men. In interviews, I've often heard
husbands say, "I never doubt that my wife loves me."
But I also heard many of those men continue, "However, I do doubt
that she respects me." The problem is that a perceived lack of
respect is as devastating to them as it would be for us to doubt
their love. In the professional national survey I conducted, the vast
majority of men (three out of four) agreed they could do without
love, but could not do without respect.I say "perceived" lack,
because while most of us do respect the men in our lives, we have
often unwittingly sent the opposite signal. For example, when he
makes a decision, we reflexively question it, or offer all the
reasons why he might be wrong. Or we second-guess his way with the
kids, believing our way is better. Or we publicly tell a "funny"
story about his inability to fix the plumbing on the fifth try. Or we
tell him how to drive and what lane to be in, and pressure him to
stop and ask someone else for directions.
We often don't see the implications of such behavior; we think we are
just being helpful, or have a more fitting solution. But for the
average guy, these actions are excruciatingly painful and say one
thing loud and clear: "I don't trust or respect you."
That loud message is also unbiblical, as is our cultural idea that,
while love is to have no conditions attached, respect must be earned.
The Bible tells us: "Nevertheless, each individual among you also is
to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it
that she respects her husband" (Ephesians 5:33). Many of us must
unlearn years of unbiblical assumptions and habits as we learn to
support our husbands in the way they truly need.
At this point, wives might be thinking, It's all about him. What do I
get out of this deal? God is the master of paradox, and just as
Jesus' unconditional love for us leads us to want to be worthy of it,
our decision to unconditionally demonstrate respect to our husband
leads him to want to earn it-and to adore us. A man who is honored
and built up by his wife will become the husband God created him to
be, one better equipped to shower his wife with the unconditional
love she craves.
The 30-Day Challenge
When speaking to groups of women, I often list numerous examples of
actions that their men might perceive as hurtful and disrespectful,
like those mentioned above. While that list is important, a wise new
friend of mine has developed a better starting point for how we might
take stock of our hearts and change our habits.When I was discussing
this subject and others as a guest on Nancy Leigh Demoss's radio
program, she issued a simple but profound 30-day challenge:
For the next 30 days, don't say anything negative about your
husband, either to him or to anyone else; instead, think and say only
those things that are worthy of appreciation.
While this challenge will not instantly fix every subtly
disrespectful behavior, it will root out many quietly destructive
habits and issues of the heart that we may never have recognized
before. And as we respect our husbands the way they need to be
respected, we will experience the joy of watching them become godly
men who love us in return.
by Shaunti Feldhahn
