You take on this???

[Vicissa]

Well, we went to church, but ended up coming home because we were late and wouldn't have been able to find seats. So we stop off at the grocery store, me, H, the kids, and my nephew. My H often walks really fast, and he's a lot bigger than me so I asked him to slow down. He did. Well we were heading to look at something, and he pointed out we need some fluid for the car. As I recall, he said, "We need power steering fluid, it's back there." We were walking together, and I seen some sheets that we really like on sale. So I called his name to point them out to him. He doesn't say anything, just keeps walking. I called his name about 5 more times, progressively louder (not shouting) but he wouldn't respond. So I say, forget it. Go back and get the fluid. I put it in the cart, than he asks "What were you trying to tell me now?" I don't respond. He asks like 5 times, and I don't say nothing.

Later on, we're heading someplace and he starts walking fast again. He zooms down one aisle, than turns the corner. I can't see where he went and I am agitated at this point already, and I refuse to play the "chase" game. I go about looking at the stuff I want to look at and say forget him. After a while, I have to go looking, because my daughter and nephew are getting impatient (the other two were with him in the cart). I find him, and I'm irritated. I tell him he needs to quit playing little games in the store, I'm sick of that garbage. He denies doing it intentionally, saying he wasn't trying to hide, he was just walked fast down the one aisle than normal after that. Whatever. I let it go.

We're leaving and once again he is being a snotty. He's going out the wrong door, and me and my newphew are trying to call to him and he is ignoring us. When we finally yell that he's going out the wrong door, he first says that it doesn't matter, we'll just have to walk 50 feet or whatever and that he didn't hear us the first time. My gut says "not true," but anyway. Because we go out the wrong door, and parked at the back of the parking lot, we all get Discombobulated and can't find the car as easily. It's cold, and my grouchiness increases. He points out to the kids I'm being a "grouch"....and I tell him I am because he's being rude. And so starts the argument.

We argue the whole way towards home, him denying he intentionally walked away fast (checking with the kids that were with him, they didn't think he was either...he walked fast for as far as he said he did) me saying he was playing his games. And I bring up the ignoring thing. He said that he ignored me because I ignored him but not responding when he said get the fluid. I say you didn't ask me, you just said we needed it. I specifically called your name over and over, and you didn't say anything back. He said that was payback for how I ignored him. I say he's being so passive agressive it isn't funny. Now we're yelling and throwing in f-bombs at this point. He tells me I should have listened to him and I yell I'm not his slave I don't have to do what he tells me, he can ask me!" He says something else, and I repeat the previous statement. He jams on the car breaks, going from like 20-0 in about 10 feet. He turns around (I was in the back with my kids because my nephew can't fit back with them) and says "You're not going to talk to me like that." I tell him what is wrong with you slamming on the breaks like that with the kids in the car, get out." He does. About 5 miles from home. He made it home, was "cooled off" and "not angry" anymore. I apologized for not responding how I really feel I should have, which would have been to at least acknowledge how he felt ("sorry if you felt I was ignoring you because that wasn't my intention." I just wanted to get his attention to look at the sheets before we passed them and I forgot about them.) He said sorry for getting mad.

So that was my Sunday....

 

[dmp]

Well we were heading to look at something, and he pointed out we need some fluid for the car. As I recall, he said, "We need power steering fluid, it's back there." We were walking together, and I seen some sheets that we really like on sale. So I called his name to point them out to him. He doesn't say anything, just keeps walking. I called his name about 5 more times, progressively louder (not shouting) but he wouldn't respond. So I say, forget it. Go back and get the fluid. I put it in the cart, than he asks "What were you trying to tell me now?" I don't respond. He asks like 5 times, and I don't say nothing.

He wanted Power Steering Fluid. You wanted to distract him. He may have been on a mission, and you were trying to slow him down. It's normal. Let it go.

Later on, we're heading someplace and he starts walking fast again. He zooms down one aisle, than turns the corner. I can't see where he went and I am agitated at this point already, and I refuse to play the "chase" game. I go about looking at the stuff I want to look at and say forget him. After a while, I have to go looking, because my daughter and nephew are getting impatient (the other two were with him in the cart). I find him, and I'm irritated. I tell him he needs to quit playing little games in the store, I'm sick of that garbage. He denies doing it intentionally, saying he wasn't trying to hide, he was just walked fast down the one aisle than normal after that. Whatever. I let it go.

In a public place you challenged not only his manhood, but his leadership of the family. Whether you're irritated or not as his walking-fast, a respectful conversation in private may have been the better option. Chances are he was still ticked that you wanted to play the "We have to buy "x", but I want to stop and talk about "y" game, with the sheets.

We're leaving and once again he is being a snotty. He's going out the wrong door, and me and my newphew are trying to call to him and he is ignoring us. When we finally yell that he's going out the wrong door, he first says that it doesn't matter, we'll just have to walk 50 feet or whatever and that he didn't hear us the first time. My gut says "not true," but anyway. Because we go out the wrong door, and parked at the back of the parking lot, we all get Discombobulated and can't find the car as easily. It's cold, and my grouchiness increases.

Ask yourself if any of that really matters. Does it REALLY matter that he went the wrong way, and you had to walk a greater distance? I mean.... REALLY?

Nothing so far warrants you being grouchy at him. You are supposed to Love him. Even if he acts like a boob. Or is grouchy. Your job is to do YOUR job - to Please God.

He points out to the kids I'm being a "grouch"....and I tell him I am because he's being rude. And so starts the argument.

He should NEVER try to influence the Kids against you. That's terrible.

So that was my Sunday....

What I saw was this:

You and He had a difference in shopping styles - and you both let it get bigger until it turned into something.

Welcome to marriage! :-D

 

[Vicissa]

He wanted Power Steering Fluid. You wanted to distract him. He may have been on a mission, and you were trying to slow him down. It's normal. Let it go.

Okay, maybe I miscommunicated. So here is my attempt to clear it up. I feel like I'm getting a bad rep for some reason in the things you said. We had already passed the power steering fluid, and he said this as he was going in the other direction. Later on, he said by him saying We need this...he wanted me to get it. He didn't ask me to go get it, I had no idea that he was implying for me to go get it, so I assumed he was just reminding himself, and was going to turn around or something. So can I be at fault for him not communicating properly? Either way, I did let it go. Just looking for feedback on the whole incident....as a way to think about how I can do it differently should it ever come up.

In a public place you challenged not only his manhood, but his leadership of the family. Whether you're irritated or not as his walking-fast, a respectful conversation in private may have been the better option. Chances are he was still ticked that you wanted to play the "We have to buy "x", but I want to stop and talk about "y" game, with the sheets.

So it is a challenge to ones manhood to have displeasure expressed to you unless it's hidden behind a door. Would you have said the same, he "challenged my womenhood" if the tables were turned and I went off looking for hair conditioner? How do you respectfully bring up later on that someone was walking to fast in the store when you've asked repeatedly for him to slow down because you can't keep up? And if he was still ticked, what makes it okay that he can be passive agressive and I can't? In your opinion of course.

Ask yourself if any of that really matters. Does it REALLY matter that he went the wrong way, and you had to walk a greater distance? I mean.... REALLY?

No, your right. It doesn't REALLY matter. It mattered then when I was already upset with him. It felt like another disregard for how I felt.

Nothing so far warrants you being grouchy at him. You are supposed to Love him. Even if he acts like a boob. Or is grouchy. Your job is to do YOUR job - to Please God.

No one said I didn't love him. But love doesn't equate to always kissing up. Does pleasing God = being a doormat? Letting my feelings get disregarded simply because he is a man and deserves my utmost respect? Where is the love in ignoring your wife repeatedly calling your name because you assume she ignored a request you made that wasn't clear? Where is the love in walking faster after your wife already asked you to slow down because she's much shorter than you, has heels on, and is basically jogging to keep up?

He should NEVER try to influence the Kids against you. That's terrible.

At least you gave me that one. In your opinion is he justified in slamming on the breaks and scaring everyone because he felt disrespected??

 

[BrBob]

No, that doesn't justify his actions... remember though that you can only do what you can do. You can't do what he can do. All you need to do is be responsible for your side of things. Act right toward him and pray for him and watch things change. By the way, I am NOT implying that this was all your fault. It was not. It takes two to argue. Period. If one refuses to argue then it's over in a short time.

DMP is correct about the emasculating effect of berating someone in public. I am not DMP but I can only assume that his answer to your question would be "yes," in that he would say the same about your sense of identity if the tables were turned. To berate a spouse in public strips them down in front of the people there. Blame doesn't play into this, the emasculation exists regardless of blame.

Many years ago, my wife and I had to learn about how to communicate with each other better. We put our own pride aside and started using the techniques we were taught for the sake of the marriage. Things improved dramatically! We still have disagreements but they work differently than they did and often they are started by one of us slipping back into old patterns for a moment. Usually when that one of us is exhausted!

Gotta go

God Bless
Bob
Spearfish, SD

 

[Vicissa]

BrBob, Thank you for your opinion and for it being kindly delivered Yes communication is a big problem for us, and it's something we are working on. it's getting better, but we regress sometimes, sadly.

dmp--I'm sorry if my post came off snotty or defensive...I am a little. Defensive that is.

 

[dmp]

Okay, maybe I miscommunicated. So here is my attempt to clear it up. I feel like I'm getting a bad rep for some reason in the things you said. We had already passed the power steering fluid, and he said this as he was going in the other direction. Later on, he said by him saying We need this...he wanted me to get it. He didn't ask me to go get it, I had no idea that he was implying for me to go get it, so I assumed he was just reminding himself, and was going to turn around or something. So can I be at fault for him not communicating properly? Either way, I did let it go. Just looking for feedback on the whole incident....as a way to think about how I can do it differently should it ever come up.

I'm not coming down on you at all - just calling it as I see it, per your request - "what's your take" I'm giving you my take. Not blaming anyone.

So it is a challenge to ones manhood to have displeasure expressed to you unless it's hidden behind a door. Would you have said the same, he "challenged my womenhood" if the tables were turned and I went off looking for hair conditioner? How do you respectfully bring up later on that someone was walking to fast in the store when you've asked repeatedly for him to slow down because you can't keep up?

This is about what you did - not about your womanhood or challenge of same. Although Bob said it well. Your his wife. He's your husband. You openly challenged him in front of family, based on what I read, or thought I read. That's disrespectful on your part, at worst, insensitive at best.

And if he was still ticked, what makes it okay that he can be passive agressive and I can't? In your opinion of course.

I thought this was about your reactions. Don't worry about what HE does - you can't control it. Since you posted here, I'm telling YOU, not him, telling YOU to perhaps focus on YOUR actions, tone, and conduct regardless of his. What is sounds like is, based on that last bit, you are looking for justification to be angry or upset with him. That's a very self-centered attitude to take. "If HE can...why can't I??" Do you love him? Yes or no. If the answer is 'yes', then you have your answer. You can't be passive aggressive or b1tchy or angry because you promised him you'd LOVE him; and love is none of those things. Know what I mean here? Again, I'm not coming down on you - don't feel threatened. Use this as an opportunity to learn to LOVE him, and learn to please GOD by your loving of your husband.

No one said I didn't love him. But love doesn't equate to always kissing up. Does pleasing God = being a doormat? Letting my feelings get disregarded simply because he is a man and deserves my utmost respect? Where is the love in ignoring your wife repeatedly calling your name because you assume she ignored a request you made that wasn't clear? Where is the love in walking faster after your wife already asked you to slow down because she's much shorter than you, has heels on, and is basically jogging to keep up?

Love means putting others ahead of yourself. See what you are doing? You are shifting blame to HIM. REGARDLESS if he ignores your requests, you must live up to your vows to love him. He deserves your respect because he is the man YOU chose as your husband. Again - you are trying to justify here. Stop focusing on HIS faults or what HE did wrong - you cannot change that. You can ONLY change how you react. Know what I mean?

At least you gave me that one. In your opinion is he justified in slamming on the breaks and scaring everyone because he felt disrespected??

Gave you that one?

Honey, you will have no victory in your marriage until you stop keeping score. You will have continued frustration until you stop trying to please your husband - AND EXPECTING to be pleased by your husband - and focus solely on pleasing GOD.

Love (verb) your husband because it pleases GOD. Seek GOD's blessing and re-assurance and returned-love for you being faithful to the vows you made.


Again - for the third time - I am NOT berating you or blaming you - but, as you asked in the title, I'm giving you my take on things.

 

[Vicissa]

Again - for the third time - I am NOT berating you or blaming you - but, as you asked in the title, I'm giving you my take on things.

Thanks dmp, I appreciate it. Thanks for being "gentle" when you could have been snippy with me for being so with you. I'll think about all you said. Very good points. You are right, I can only work on myself....I can't focus on him. But I can focus on Him. I'll be thinking about what you said. Thanks again, brother.

 

[snoochface]

The main thing I noticed in the whole event? The two of you, screaming and yelling and cussing each other out -- in front of your kids.

I can't even begin to tell you how much that hurts them. It might not seem like that big a deal, but it is. They are trapped in a car and not only are mom and dad screaming and cussing at each other, but they are also trying to get the kids in the middle of it, trying to get them to take a side, and then dad gets kicked out of the car 5 miles from home. That has a huge effect on a child.

When you both got home and made up, apologizing to each other, were the kids there listening to the whole thing? If they weren't, then they got to see the anger, the fighting, the cussing, the throwing out of the car, but not the making up. It's teaching your kids how to fight and be hateful to their spouse, but not how to make up with them. Not how to apologize.

Since you asked for people's take on it, I hope you don't get too defensive at my response. I'm not blaming you alone -- I think both you and your husband acted poorly and not in the best interests of the kids. But like someone else already said, you can only change what you do. If you refuse to fight in front of your kids again, your husband won't have a lot of choice but to follow suit. He can't argue with himself if you refuse to engage in it with him.

 

[Vicissa]

It might not seem like that big a deal, but it is. .

I know it is. It is a very big deal. I remember how uncomfortable I was when my family fought. It does hurt a lot.

When you both got home and made up, apologizing to each other, were the kids there listening to the whole thing? If they weren't, then they got to see the anger, the fighting, the cussing, the throwing out of the car, but not the making up. It's teaching your kids how to fight and be hateful to their spouse, but not how to make up with them. Not how to apologize.

No they weren't there for the whole thing. It's unfortunate. It's something that needs to be worked on, we're talking years of us communicating wrong, plus top it off with severely disfunctional abusive families. It's a bad mix. Honestly, we deal with a lot more than just this. My husband is verbally abusive, yet has been working on it the last month after a very big blowout. I know that I go extremely defensive when I see abusive-type behaviors pop back up when it could just be simple annoyance. After 10 years of him handling it a certain way, it takes an amount of reprogramming of my own mind to not take everything he does as to how he used to do it.

Since you asked for people's take on it, I hope you don't get too defensive at my response. I'm not blaming you alone -- If you refuse to fight in front of your kids again, your husband won't have a lot of choice but to follow suit. He can't argue with himself if you refuse to engage in it with him

No. Not too defensive at ll. I agree 100%, it isn't appropriate in general, and definately not helping towards us trying to raise our kids different then we were raised. Sometimes I feel so powerless.

We talked about it today, and I let him know in non-accusatory terms that it hurt me when he treated me like that. Assuming something, than in turn ignoring me. He apologized. Sadly though, he barked another order out a while ago, telling me "Do your homework," when he blocked the tv. I checked to be sure he wasn't joking...he wasn't. But I kept my cool. So here's to some progress.