Yeller - ?

[DZoolander]

I've got two kids - one age 7 - one age 4. As I evolve along as a parent - I've noticed a trait that I appear to have that I don't necessarily like.

My wife often says that she's perplexed by me. Through the years she's always said that she admires my patience, that I have the patience of Job through things that drive her up a wall, etc. In MOST things that's kind of true. She'll get set off and really frustrated by things that just roll off my back.

But then she'll note that sometimes I get home and within 5 minutes I'm yelling at the kids. It's not often - but it happens.

And what I've figured out about myself is that I have a high threshold for things that I believe are just the natural learning curve of the child. Like, say my kid was learning to walk and was just breaking stuff left and right in the process (forgot the comments about just moving stuff...lol...I'm just using this as an example of a "bad" or annoying thing happening as a result of a natural process) - it wouldn't phase me a bit. I'd chalk it up to "these things happen."

That's the kind of stuff that drives her nuts...but is a non issue for me.

BUT...the kind of stuff that drives *ME* up a wall is willful disobedience, lying about it, intentionally provoking fights, etc.

My daughter is at an age where she's pushing and learning limits - and she likes to sometimes torment her brother. Sometimes she's not really nice to him. I see her do it, tell her I saw her, and she'll deny that it happened. Then she'll do it again. At first I'm nice, but after a few times I'll yell something along the lines of "Knock it off! What the heck is the matter with you? I've told you 10 times to stop it! One more time and you're losing X, Y and Z."

And since I rarely lose my cool - it shocks everyone. I guess because everyone is so accustomed to the normal even tone of my voice - the sudden shift to as loud as I can be jolts them. A couple of times it's upset our 4 year old.

The thing is - I don't really know how to deal with that. That is the one type of behavior that apparently will set me off. And apparently trying to make "nice" appeals have no impact - or at least I haven't figured out how to make them have an impact. I guess my next instinct is to shock them into listening.

Meh. But I don't like it.

My wife and I tend to compliment each other in a lot of ways. I deal with the normal day to day stuff better than she does (like I said earlier) - but she handles the willful disobedience stuff better than I do. Or...who knows...maybe she just throws her hands up and walks away from it more than I do? Maybe I'm just unwilling to let it continue? Maybe I see it as a behavior trait that's so bad that I'm unwilling to let it go and I WILL die on that hill?

Meh.

Just some random thoughts. Have you (if you have kids) ever dealt with that type of thing? What did you do about it?

 

[tall73]

If it is something willful that has happened before, then don't wait for several times. Enforce consequences immediately. While the yelling may work at times, it won't last, and isn't ultimately what you want your child to emulate.

But the consequences, consistently applied, usually do bring about a change. The more you can state openly the consequences ahead of time, the easier this system works.

The consequences will change over time, depending on what your child values, etc. But if you remember to calmly explain consequences and then follow through, it usually works better than yelling.

Having said that, sometimes I react as well and forget the consequences and go with the raising of the voice.

Also, if you get down and look in their eyes when giving the consequences it tends to hold their attention as well.

 

[DZoolander]

If it is something willful that has happened before, then don't wait for several times. Enforce direct disciplinary results immediately. While the yelling may work at times, it won't last, and isn't ultimately what you want your child to emulate.

But the consequences, consistently applied, usually do bring about a change. The more you can state openly the consequences ahead of time, the easier this system works.

The consequences will change over time, depending on what your child values, etc. But if you remember to calmly explain consequences and then follow through, it usually works better than yelling.

Having said that, sometimes I react as well and forget the consequences and go with the raising of the voice.

Also, if you get down and look in their eyes when giving the consequences it tends to hold their attention as well.

I can see what you're saying. The only reason I think it's worked so far is because it is so sparing - and it still does "shock".

 

[Sabertooth]

@DZoolander , if you keep that up very long, you'll become [an] OLD Yeller...! (And that didn't end very well. )

 

[mama2one]

But then she'll note that sometimes I get home and within 5 minutes I'm yelling at the kids.

you're tired after working all day
the kids haven't seen you all day and want your attention

kids will fight to get attention
even if it's negative attention, like your yelling, it's still attention

what about having them each sit on couch on either side of you when you get home and read them a story

you can sit down, put your feet up, and they'll get your undivided attention while you read

 

[Deidre32]

Explain why it’s wrong, what she’s doing. I hated being yelled at by my dad as a kid, and he wouldn’t explain why. If you only yell and choose restrictive types of discipline, she will only learn to fear you, not really that you are leading her. You’re her leader. Remember that

 

[2PhiloVoid]

I've got two kids - one age 7 - one age 4. As I evolve along as a parent - I've noticed a trait that I appear to have that I don't necessarily like.

My wife often says that she's perplexed by me. Through the years she's always said that she admires my patience, that I have the patience of Job through things that drive her up a wall, etc. In MOST things that's kind of true. She'll get set off and really frustrated by things that just roll off my back.

But then she'll note that sometimes I get home and within 5 minutes I'm yelling at the kids. It's not often - but it happens.

And what I've figured out about myself is that I have a high threshold for things that I believe are just the natural learning curve of the child. Like, say my kid was learning to walk and was just breaking stuff left and right in the process (forgot the comments about just moving stuff...lol...I'm just using this as an example of a "bad" or annoying thing happening as a result of a natural process) - it wouldn't phase me a bit. I'd chalk it up to "these things happen."

That's the kind of stuff that drives her nuts...but is a non issue for me.

BUT...the kind of stuff that drives *ME* up a wall is willful disobedience, lying about it, intentionally provoking fights, etc.

My daughter is at an age where she's pushing and learning limits - and she likes to sometimes torment her brother. Sometimes she's not really nice to him. I see her do it, tell her I saw her, and she'll deny that it happened. Then she'll do it again. At first I'm nice, but after a few times I'll yell something along the lines of "Knock it off! What the heck is the matter with you? I've told you 10 times to stop it! One more time and you're losing X, Y and Z."

And since I rarely lose my cool - it shocks everyone. I guess because everyone is so accustomed to the normal even tone of my voice - the sudden shift to as loud as I can be jolts them. A couple of times it's upset our 4 year old.

The thing is - I don't really know how to deal with that. That is the one type of behavior that apparently will set me off. And apparently trying to make "nice" appeals have no impact - or at least I haven't figured out how to make them have an impact. I guess my next instinct is to shock them into listening.

Meh. But I don't like it.

My wife and I tend to compliment each other in a lot of ways. I deal with the normal day to day stuff better than she does (like I said earlier) - but she handles the willful disobedience stuff better than I do. Or...who knows...maybe she just throws her hands up and walks away from it more than I do? Maybe I'm just unwilling to let it continue? Maybe I see it as a behavior trait that's so bad that I'm unwilling to let it go and I WILL die on that hill?

Meh.

Just some random thoughts. Have you (if you have kids) ever dealt with that type of thing? What did you do about it?

From what I've come to learn about this whole dynamic is: that "nice" appeals are interpreted as mere suggestions which are thought to optional (and will be typically opted out of). And of course, when you're "not nice" about it, then----hey!-----you meanie!-----you're a tyrant! And of course, when you ask them in a reasonable tone, "Why did you do that bad thing?," they then just look at you in silence and give you the ol' shoulder shrug.

Yeah, I've been through some of that, although I'm fairly confident from the sound of it that you've been blessed with a longer fuse of patience than I have. Fortunately for me, my son isn't young anymore, and being that he's a fairly stable and responsible young man, and even better than his old man at that age in many ways, I don't have to contend with all of that child discipline stuff any longer. Now all I have to do is contend with is my better half......

 

[tall73]

Explain why it’s wrong, what she’s doing.

I agree it is important to explain why it is wrong. And when it is explained ahead of time (with repeat problems), along with the consequences if it is done, this both curtails the behavior without yelling, and also helps the child learn the values behind the behavior.

 

[Deidre32]

I don’t have kids yet but only share my experience of how it felt to be yelled at as a child.

 

[mkgal1]

You know what's interesting? I got a phone call a few months back from my niece. She has a two-year old, and she's also begun yelling as well (and if you knew her - that would be really surprising. She's about as patient and even-keeled in the face of other's garbage as I've ever known. Her ability to hold it all together - and to think clearly how to diffuse the situation - is amazing). She wanted to talk about our family of origin and any dysfunction that could be bringing this up (because it sort of shocked her, that she was responding this way). I was the same way when our daughter was young.....and I think it may have to do with expectations (but I'm still unsure, really).

Only my daughter and my husband have ever brought this out of me......(and I am NOT a fan of it at all.....I get so upset at myself afterwards)....but in thinking about it later, it does seem to go back to my expectations (and expecting to be able to "influence" others and feeling totally out of control and defeated when I can't).

 

[akmom]

I don't know why kids willfully pick on each other for no apparent reason, other than to make each other mad. Why would they want that tension? I don't get it, but they certainly do it, and I've always assumed it was a function of boredom or fatigue.

I bring it to their attention immediately, and they have one chance to explain themselves and apologize. Sometimes it turns out to be passive-aggressive retaliation for something else that they didn't work out amicably or bring to us as parents. So we end up settling that previous issue. Other times there is just no discernible motive or they won't admit one, so they have to apologize and move on. If happens a second time, I put them to work. There's no third chances (and sometimes no second ones) because I've found that nothing really changes the second time around and there's no point in delaying the inevitable.

There's always some work to be done, and often I'll let the kids put it off or I'll do it myself because they're engaged in something fun or just content and happy, and that's kind of the atmosphere I'm going for in our home. But if they're nagging me or aggravating each other, then they are obviously bored and it's playing out as pettiness. I don't usually give them jobs for punishment, but if their behavior is going downhill, then they need help being put to task. So that's how I handle it.