Now that I am handling the thoughts better, my brain scanned my past actions and accused me of something that occurred nearly 20 years ago. Can you believe it? I think this speaks to the fact that my ocd is less mature than I was as a kid who committed the sin, who later forgot about it.
I have to tell this story and I am sorry it is embarrassing, stupid, and outright wrong. When I was in youth group in my early teens, I did anything for a laugh. The more outrageous, the funnier (at the time). Having "grown up" in the church I was quite comfortable with the idea of sin, and felt forgiveness was always a prayer away. This was before I was aware of the issue of an unpardonable sin. Maybe I would benefit from a little more of this lax attitude today. On with the story....I used to be extremely sarcastic. When my parents would ask about a new friend, I would joke with them and say they were a "drug dealer" or a "devil worshipper," just to get a razz out of them. Very childlike. I thought the Saturday Night Live "church lady" was very funny as "she" would say "could it be, mmm Satan?" I hope I am not losing my audience here. I took it farther and one time I thought it would be funny (I have no idea now why I thought this) for my buddies and I to shout "Satan" in public places when on a youth group outing.
Lately, that has come back to haunt me. I have prayed and prayed for forgiveness now and in the past, but I remain unassured. However, the beauty of confession, expression, and grace come through as I write this out. I am beginning to see the absurdity over my obsession of this being unpardonable. However, as I think about sending this message and putting this to death, I can't help thinking about the fact that I was announcing the enemy's name in public, when I should have been shining the Gospel light. My youthful ignorance at the time is not an excuse.
Remember not the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you are good, O LORD. Psalm 25:7
I must rest in this request. There is nothing else I can do.
Stepping outside of my obsessive nature (if that's possible), I look at how this old and confessed sin affected me even today. Perhaps the real sin, is the fact that today, nearly 20 years later, I missed the opportunity to be a testimony to the greatness of Jesus Christ. Instead, I remained in the dark cave of a mind that questioned Jesus' promise of forgiveness. For this, I lament and ask for pardon in the name of Jesus. Amen
I have to tell this story and I am sorry it is embarrassing, stupid, and outright wrong. When I was in youth group in my early teens, I did anything for a laugh. The more outrageous, the funnier (at the time). Having "grown up" in the church I was quite comfortable with the idea of sin, and felt forgiveness was always a prayer away. This was before I was aware of the issue of an unpardonable sin. Maybe I would benefit from a little more of this lax attitude today. On with the story....I used to be extremely sarcastic. When my parents would ask about a new friend, I would joke with them and say they were a "drug dealer" or a "devil worshipper," just to get a razz out of them. Very childlike. I thought the Saturday Night Live "church lady" was very funny as "she" would say "could it be, mmm Satan?" I hope I am not losing my audience here. I took it farther and one time I thought it would be funny (I have no idea now why I thought this) for my buddies and I to shout "Satan" in public places when on a youth group outing.
Lately, that has come back to haunt me. I have prayed and prayed for forgiveness now and in the past, but I remain unassured. However, the beauty of confession, expression, and grace come through as I write this out. I am beginning to see the absurdity over my obsession of this being unpardonable. However, as I think about sending this message and putting this to death, I can't help thinking about the fact that I was announcing the enemy's name in public, when I should have been shining the Gospel light. My youthful ignorance at the time is not an excuse.
Remember not the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you are good, O LORD. Psalm 25:7
I must rest in this request. There is nothing else I can do.
Stepping outside of my obsessive nature (if that's possible), I look at how this old and confessed sin affected me even today. Perhaps the real sin, is the fact that today, nearly 20 years later, I missed the opportunity to be a testimony to the greatness of Jesus Christ. Instead, I remained in the dark cave of a mind that questioned Jesus' promise of forgiveness. For this, I lament and ask for pardon in the name of Jesus. Amen
