Years after abusive relationship

[Poppyseed78]

It's been almost a decade since I left an abusive relationship, and I am much, much better off now. I was with him for 5 years, and he was much older than me. My despair at that time is actually what prompted me to start praying and looking outside myself for strength, and it's what ultimately led me to be saved.

Unfortunately, I occasionally have nightmares about things my ex did and said. I still have anger toward him. I still want him to "pay" for what he did. I haven't forgiven him. Part of me feels like it's wrong to have such angry/vengeful thoughts.

How do you manage nightmares and anger toward an abuser, years later? Is it necessary to forgive (in your heart) to be fully healed?

 

[faroukfarouk]

It's been almost a decade since I left an abusive relationship, and I am much, much better off now. I was with him for 5 years, and he was much older than me. My despair at that time is actually what prompted me to start praying and looking outside myself for strength, and it's what ultimately led me to be saved.

Unfortunately, I occasionally have nightmares about things my ex did and said. I still have anger toward him. I still want him to "pay" for what he did. I haven't forgiven him. Part of me feels like it's wrong to have such angry/vengeful thoughts.

How do you manage nightmares and anger toward an abuser, years later? Is it necessary to forgive (in your heart) to be fully healed?

I have bad dreams, too; maybe not the same as you do; but prayer and the Scriptures daily are really indispensable in so many ways, including as a way for one's thoughts to be channelled contructively and in a Godward way. Philippians 4.8 is especially wholesome! (and in the chapter it's also linked with prayer, thanksgiving and joy). Philippians 2 recalls the huge step of self-humbling that the Lord Jesus took when He went to the Cross;and Hebrews 12 exhorts us to keep 'looking unto Jesus'.

Blessings.

 

[Catherineanne]

It's been almost a decade since I left an abusive relationship, and I am much, much better off now. I was with him for 5 years, and he was much older than me. My despair at that time is actually what prompted me to start praying and looking outside myself for strength, and it's what ultimately led me to be saved.

Unfortunately, I occasionally have nightmares about things my ex did and said. I still have anger toward him. I still want him to "pay" for what he did. I haven't forgiven him. Part of me feels like it's wrong to have such angry/vengeful thoughts.

How do you manage nightmares and anger toward an abuser, years later? Is it necessary to forgive (in your heart) to be fully healed?

If you still have nightmares, and feel very angry, then those may indicate some level of post traumatic stress. Only your doctor will be able to say for sure, but it is worth asking the question.

If it is PTS related then it will take time and possibly also therapy to work through the memories and find a way to deal with the anger. If your doctor can't offer any help then there are online resources. The quality will vary so read all that you can and choose your own best strategy.

Although some think we have to forgive everyone for everything I think you are entitled to not forgive those who are not the least bit sorry for what they have done, and who would do the same again tomorrow, given half a chance.

 

[Dave-W]

Although some think we have to forgive everyone for everything I think you are entitled to not forgive those who are not the least bit sorry for what they have done, and who would do the same again tomorrow, given half a chance.

Forgiveness is for the healing of the abused; and not so much about the abuser at all. It can be an invisible barrier to our own progress.

It also gets us out of the way so God can deal with the abuser directly.


I am sure the Roman soldiers that nailed our Lord to the cross were unrepentant and ready to nail up more people at any time. And yet our Lord prayed "Forgive them for they know not what they do."

 

[Poppyseed78]

Thank you for your replies.

I do think I have PTS to some degree. I'd really like to forgive in order to relieve myself of the burden. I know that having a heart free of anger would improve my life significantly.

 

[Catherineanne]

Thank you for your replies.

I do think I have PTS to some degree. I'd really like to forgive in order to relieve myself of the burden. I know that having a heart free of anger would improve my life significantly.

Forgiveness is a very good goal for the future, so that is good. Now that you know where you are heading you only have to work out how to get there.

I wish you well.

 

[Poppyseed78]

Thank you!

 

[faroukfarouk]

Thank you for your replies.

I do think I have PTS to some degree. I'd really like to forgive in order to relieve myself of the burden. I know that having a heart free of anger would improve my life significantly.

Job is another searching Bible book; Job lost his health and his family but God sustained His faith, despite his false comforters.

 

[1watchman]

Thank you for your replies.

I do think I have PTS to some degree. I'd really like to forgive in order to relieve myself of the burden. I know that having a heart free of anger would improve my life significantly.

Just remember that God can heal. One way to rise above hurts is to put it away as history, and know we all have some bad history. Live a new life in Jesus Christ, and that by receiving Him into your heart, be devoted to Him, and begin living for Him every day ---the past will fade away. Give thanks to God for His beloved Son --the Lord Jesus who went to the Cross for you, and read much about this at John 14 in your Bible (preferably NKJV or KJV). Look up always!

 

[Poppyseed78]

Just remember that God can heal. One way to rise above hurts is to put it away as history, and know we all have some bad history. Live a new life in Jesus Christ, and that by receiving Him into your heart, be devoted to Him, and begin living for Him every day ---the past will fade away. Give thanks to God for His beloved Son --the Lord Jesus who went to the Cross for you, and read much about this at John 14 in your Bible (preferably NKJV or KJV). Look up always!

Thank you. I need to remember that in being saved, I am renewed and cleansed.