[font="]Yakini[/font]
Yakini: (Truth)
Searching, searching, searching for the unknown I dont know where I travel now, I dont know where I wander all I know is why. I travel because I dont know what else to do, I dont know where else to go; I dont know where to find the answers and the questions that haunt my step everyday. I constantly want to look over my shoulder, to just look behind me to make sure that someone isnt whispering in to my ear, isnt whispering these thoughts, these doubts, these confusions it would be so much easier on me if there were someone behind me that way I could confront them but by myself I travel these thoughts are my own.
These thoughts haunt me, and what is worse, is that they change every day they start to haunt me more and sometimes they haunt me less but that is because I get adjusted to these thoughts, they start to take control. I feel I dont know what I feel I dont know what I feel
Gamba: (Warrior)
I have seen something else under the sun: The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all 1
Yakini:
I dance today, a deep joy, a deep longing, a deep refreshing has overflowed my heart today there is no explanation, there is no real reason but just because just because I want to be happy, just because there is no explanation !
Gamba:
He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.2
Yakini:
I know that things are not all well again today, I know also though that no matter what, I will continue to travel through this I must not let it add on to continuing burdens pain shall not continue to get through I will persevere I will stand up under these new weights, I will continue to stand up there is no need for me to talk about these things, no need to share my weight. It is not up to me to give this to others I feel that these were given to me for a reason, therefore I must continue to handle them the way I see fit there is nothing wrong with that, surely?
Gamba:
Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.3
Yakini:
I crawl today well, I dont but I want to Im confused, left to myself to sort out this mess this, this life but not my life whos life? I dont know just a life there is not much I know, not much that makes much sense anymore but there are a few things which do what they are I dont know yet but yet I do I know I make no sense to any others, but to me I do though I am weak, I know I am strong surely, one can be strong in weakness? Surely one is able to handle such difficulties alone no such instruction has ever been taught to me
Gamba:
That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.4
Yakini:
Shall I always be swamped with such confusions and quarrels in my heart? I never knew and understood how my heart and my head shall always battle each other. Oh, how I long for a peace, an eternal peace but no I still travel so heavily burdened I dont know what I seek for but I will look for this peace, and I will find this peace I do not know where to find this peace yet. Surely though, it will come
Gamba:
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.5
Yakini:
I cant remember yesterday I dont know how much time has passed but I know that time has passed, and it was time of blissful nothingness complete nothingness just a numbing, I felt like my brain had died, and nothing, yet everything made sense. But the throbbing of my head, I wonder if it was all worth it I wonder, is there something more to life then drowning my sorrows in cheap wine? Is there something more can control of my life really be this hard? I just want to control it all, keep it in a box, I want to know what is going to happen to me, am I to die like this, lonely, hopeless, dirty and full of self-pity? Will I die knowing something strangled me something suffocated me ? This something is hidden dark eyes vehemently watching me haunting my dreams I feel them reaching towards me, grabbing at me snickering from all sides and yet I awaken, and I feel a shame a deepening shame and so I live another day wondering how long shall I be troubled by the things I have done?
Gamba:
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.6
Yakini:
My heart is telling me so much how I wish I could see the difference between truth and lies. I wish I knew what to do what to feel no one taught me what was right, or what was wrong. How am I expected to live this life with the constant unknowing of where I am heading? I am a lost wanderer in the desert a searcher among the dead a forager of what is no longer what is Yakini? Truth? How can I, Yakini know truth am I supposed to know am I supposed to search it out why did my Mother name me truth? It is beyond understanding. What do I believe who do I believe all I can hear is the torment of my heart, words that rip my soul apart like a jagged rock tears flesh am I supposed to believe this is truth? Surely not I was told to follow my heart this is inbred in to me but my heart my heart does it speak truth? Does it reveal who I am?
Gamba:
The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?7
Yakini:
I have been thinking too much, so I decided today to pretend this pain and confusion were no longer real that it was not truth that such a fierce hatred of of darkness could not even exist I was happier today, or at least, I think I was. I still really dont know, was it fake, a mask a mask to hide the searing wounds beneath the surface. Is there hope for me now I dont know hope, I dont believe in hope, I dont think I have ever experienced hope. What is hope? Maybe life is to be cast away, and it all just depends on what time we do it, on what time we decide life is over and then maybe we can come back if we choose, and come back in a more beautiful form? Maybe life can be chosen whether we live it or not? Maybe this is the control I have always needed, desired lusted for control over life and death the right to choose maybe it is not worth living anymore.
Gamba:
Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.8
Yakini:
I heard voices as I slept again tonight. But tonight was different it was bright, vibrant and so glorious I have never seen something so alive. I felt like I was looking in to the sun, and being blinded by its beauty. I still wonder if it was indeed the sun, the sun telling me what to do and where to go which direction I must take now I wonder if there is a god looking after me. I never believed in the gods but maybe I need to now.
I saw two pictures both were of me, both were in the future in one I was floundering around like a fish out of water dying, drowning, suffocating and I was being mocked and the darkness around me was cheering for my death. In the other, I was surrounded by light, the light was smiling, I couldnt see it, but I sensed it, and in this other one, I was happy and peaceful. I felt like life was worth living I felt like someone was cheering me on towards life. But I soon awoke from my dream, and with the awakening I realized I have a choice. I know where I want to head I think
Part of me wants to jump at the idea of life again, and maybe a renewed hope though I still am not quite sure what it feels like in its completeness but I sense a flicker in the depth of my soul. But part of me believes that the search to hope will be too hard, a journey so often started but rarely finished so part of me wonders if it is worth it in the end. Is there some sort of god out there favoring me ? Or is it just darkness and light, and the constant battle between the two one as she battles for day, the other as he battles for night. Can comfort be found in the knowledge that life may have no meaning ? Surely not surely I am here for some ultimate?
Gamba:
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. 9
Yakini:
And so life goes on, I have not heard the voice of peace again. No, I have once again been haunted by my fears, haunted by my past, haunted by my future I have been haunted it by it all. I have finally heard the voice of darkness heard it in true form it sounded so true, so right, it made me feel like there was no hope for me left now I talked with him, and I asked many questions and with each answer I believed I felt enveloped by a cold hand, slowly strangling me slowly poisoning me slowly changing my view on everything I have ever known. But what he said about me made sense! Is it not what I have always believed in anyway? Are not his words the same ones I have spoken against myself? So what I must I believe now believe in a hope a hope which seems to have failed me once more? Or do I believe that these words are truth? Believe the darkness, which is so frequent, or the light, which is so scarce in this World?
