Wretched Medical!

[RachelZ]

Hi, most of you here seem to be from the USA so may not understand the system in Britain but basically I have been off sick for many years due to ME. When I got married I kept one benefit as it is not means tested but my Income Support with a disability Premium was taken away as they regarded my husband's income to be sufficient to support us both. However, they still pay my national Insurance stamps...I don't get any money but the stamp means I'll get a pension when I'm older. Anyway I had a form I had to fill in for reassesment and now I have to go for a medical. I know that may not sound like much but over the years the Department of Social Security have put me through hell. No matter that my consultant was a professor of neurology and a leading expert in ME...nor that my GP was on my side and my speech therapist...that all gets pushed aside in favour of their own doctor's opinions and I had to fight and fight to get my benefits paid. I ended up winning every appeal I lodged but each one was like going to a small claims court and I attended about seven or so in all with I think one adjournment that I won when I went back. Along with this I was suffering the mental torment of doubting myself. I didn't have a diagnosis of OCD back then but now can appreciate that it was prolly an obession...I say prolly as I can't quite bring myself to say it was OCD. I would push myself to try and prove whether or not I was really ill and really stuffed up my mobility as a result. I've improved a lot through living more within my limitations but still require mobility aids. Getting this letter about having a medical felt like someone with PTSD from a car accident being asked to get back into a car. I feel like I'm being assesed for fraud even though its routine and because of the nature of ME their tests will prolly prove nothing in my favour. I will more than likely be able to do all they ask me to but the problem with ME is that the effects of over-exersion are cumulative and can even be delayed. In short, I'm getting anxious about the medical and haven't even phoned to make the appointment yet. I wish I could do without their stamps and without the other benefit I get...I'd rather feel free to just be how I am without worrying about whether or not I'm justified in getting anything. On top of this the whole God anxiety issue is still going on...I sometimes feel it's virtually impossible that I'll ever be able to trust in a loving God and not feel like somehow I'm wrong and He is angry with me. Then the relationship stuff gets mixed in there too...usually that's the main one...I want to be free...I want to feel peace...this may sound utterly childish but I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THEIR STUPID MEDICAL AND BE MADE TO FEEL LIKE A SPONGER AND A LAZY COW WHO CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO TRY. I wish they had known me when I was struggling to keep going to work...or have seen me dragging myself down the road barely able to put one foot in front of the other, but all they see is a snapshot of someone that I worry they will regard as a wimp or a fraud. It's resurfacing the ME anxiety so I'm gonna be questioning myself more on top of the current issues. I don't feel comfort from God either about the ME or the relationship issue cos one of my big fears is that He views me in the way all my worst fears suggest I am. How can I feel His comfort when I feel He may be saying "Yes, you are a lazy failure" or "...a wimp" or whatever else and "Yes I'm angry about who you married!" and "No you SHOULDN'T believe people when they talk about my mercy and love for you!" I want to believe it...my therapist talks about GOd's love and I want to believe it but I'm terrified of believing a lie to make me feel better.

Sorry for moaning...thanks for listening...take care, Rachel

 

[kaykay9.0]

I will be praying for you, Rachel. Pray that you have favor also with whoever evaluates your case. Praying for favor never hurts IMO. It is kinda frustrating when you're already dealing with some OCD issues and then life intervenes and gives you something else to deal with. Try not to let your OCD ramp up over this. At least, as you said, now you know that you do struggle with OCD. Try to remember how Jesus treated those who were suffering from an illness in the new testament. He had compassion and mercy and healing for them, not criticism and condemnation.

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks KayKay...appreciate your input! I will try and keep bearing the OCD in mind and also how Jesus treated the sick. Guess I feel "Yeah but they were genuinley ill...He'd prolly treat me like a pharisee!" Thanks again...oh and thank you for what you pointed out on RobertZ's thread about the prodigal coming back not for noble reasons...think I've seen that before but twas good to be reminded...it's a very pertinent point in that thread...I pray God uses your wisdom and insight there! Hope you're well, take care, Rachel

 

[kaykay9.0]

Thanks KayKay...appreciate your input! I will try and keep bearing the OCD in mind and also how Jesus treated the sick. Guess I feel "Yeah but they were genuinley ill...He'd prolly treat me like a pharisee!"

Somehow I knew you'd say that. Do we have any record of Jesus telling anybody they weren't sick enough for Him to heal them? Do we have any record of Him telling anyone that they weren't "really sick?" There are one or more scriptures which say, however, that He healed ALL that were sick. Just saying...

 

[RachelZ]

Hi KayKay...yeah I guess my response was rather typical of me! Thanks for your input...you're right in regards to how Jesus responded to the sick and I think as I thought of that I also thought he never rebuked people or blamed them...even those with demons He didn't say "You wretched person what did you go and dabble with the occult for!?" I'm not saying all people with demons have invited them in but know this can be the case but Jesus just healed people, he didn't lecture them at the same time! Thanks again, hope you're doing well, take care, Rachel

 

[annrobert]

Hi, most of you here seem to be from the USA so may not understand the system in Britain but basically I have been off sick for many years due to ME. When I got married I kept one benefit as it is not means tested but my Income Support with a disability Premium was taken away as they regarded my husband's income to be sufficient to support us both. However, they still pay my national Insurance stamps...I don't get any money but the stamp means I'll get a pension when I'm older. Anyway I had a form I had to fill in for reassesment and now I have to go for a medical. I know that may not sound like much but over the years the Department of Social Security have put me through hell. No matter that my consultant was a professor of neurology and a leading expert in ME...nor that my GP was on my side and my speech therapist...that all gets pushed aside in favour of their own doctor's opinions and I had to fight and fight to get my benefits paid. I ended up winning every appeal I lodged but each one was like going to a small claims court and I attended about seven or so in all with I think one adjournment that I won when I went back. Along with this I was suffering the mental torment of doubting myself. I didn't have a diagnosis of OCD back then but now can appreciate that it was prolly an obession...I say prolly as I can't quite bring myself to say it was OCD. I would push myself to try and prove whether or not I was really ill and really stuffed up my mobility as a result. I've improved a lot through living more within my limitations but still require mobility aids. Getting this letter about having a medical felt like someone with PTSD from a car accident being asked to get back into a car. I feel like I'm being assesed for fraud even though its routine and because of the nature of ME their tests will prolly prove nothing in my favour. I will more than likely be able to do all they ask me to but the problem with ME is that the effects of over-exersion are cumulative and can even be delayed. In short, I'm getting anxious about the medical and haven't even phoned to make the appointment yet. I wish I could do without their stamps and without the other benefit I get...I'd rather feel free to just be how I am without worrying about whether or not I'm justified in getting anything. On top of this the whole God anxiety issue is still going on...I sometimes feel it's virtually impossible that I'll ever be able to trust in a loving God and not feel like somehow I'm wrong and He is angry with me. Then the relationship stuff gets mixed in there too...usually that's the main one...I want to be free...I want to feel peace...this may sound utterly childish but I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THEIR STUPID MEDICAL AND BE MADE TO FEEL LIKE A SPONGER AND A LAZY COW WHO CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO TRY. I wish they had known me when I was struggling to keep going to work...or have seen me dragging myself down the road barely able to put one foot in front of the other, but all they see is a snapshot of someone that I worry they will regard as a wimp or a fraud. It's resurfacing the ME anxiety so I'm gonna be questioning myself more on top of the current issues. I don't feel comfort from God either about the ME or the relationship issue cos one of my big fears is that He views me in the way all my worst fears suggest I am. How can I feel His comfort when I feel He may be saying "Yes, you are a lazy failure" or "...a wimp" or whatever else and "Yes I'm angry about who you married!" and "No you SHOULDN'T believe people when they talk about my mercy and love for you!" I want to believe it...my therapist talks about GOd's love and I want to believe it but I'm terrified of believing a lie to make me feel better.

Sorry for moaning...thanks for listening...take care, Rachel

Rachel,
I am sorry you are going through all this,it sounds aweful.To have already gone through so much and so many appeals and then to suddenly find out you have to be reassessed again would be so stressful for anyone.
On top of everything else you are going through.
No one should have to feel like people are judging them when they need benefits,or be scared of being scrutinized all the time to find out if they really need help.
people who are ill have enough trouble and stress without being put through this kind of thing all the time.It not right and I can see why you would dread having to go through it all again.
Rachel God understands everything about you,every single thing, do not worry okay.He is not standing over you thinking failure or any such thing.Rather God is watching over you ,His daughter and protecting you and wanting to comfort you.God cares for you.And God does want you to believe His other children who tell you He loves you and has mercy on you.His Word also tells you about His love and mercy.Just people like you and me and the rest of us need to undersand this in our spirits and minds .I think Kaykay is right on,pray for His favour before the reassessment meetings and for His comfort and strength before you attend them.God is on your side and always with you.I hope it all goes well for you.I hope you can have God's peace through all of this.
If okay for me to ask you, why do you think God would be angry about who you married ,also what is ME.
Jesus Bless You
annrobert