Hi sister,
It's good that you let yourself cry. I've heard that the tears we cry in sadness are chemically different and actually produce a type of calming in the body functions. So, I think it really does physiologically protect us a bit. Sometimes my cries are more like wails or groanings, but it says in the Bible that God understands "groanings that can't be uttered". He knows the things we feel that we can't even describe.
I read a book called, God Works the Night Shift. It's a series of short chapters that demonstrate how God is with us during our personal "nights". There was one chapter that spoke about the children of Israel and how they had to trust God for manna one day at a time. They couldn't gather more than that day's worth (except before their Sabbath), because God wanted them to learn to trust Him. I thought about that a lot, and I realized that I had been asking God for things about yesterday and tomorrow, and that I needed to just ask for strength for this day. I talked to God and I asked him to give me my "manna" of strength just for today. When I would wake up in the morning, I would quickly ask for today's manna of strength. I was determined to trust God one day at a time, but sometimes it's hard to trust that God really has heard my prayer. During this process, I was going into town one day and I felt that I needed to go to a particular church. It wasn't even my denomination, but I felt very strongly about it, so I went in. During the service they called all the little children up to the front so a lady could tell them a Bible story. Imagine my surprise when the lady began to tell those children the story about the children of Israel and how they had to trust God one day at a time. I felt that God sent me there to a place I had never been, with people I didn't know and He had prepared this lady's heart to choose, of all the Bible stories she could have told, this particular story. I believe it was so that I could have confirmation that God did hear me, and He was going to give me that strength each day. I couldn't wait to tell someone!
I have had some better days since then. I truly thought I would never, ever have another day that was even close to ok. So when I have a day that I get through, I thank God with all my heart that He gave me some relief from my pain. I still get ambushed (We have a travel trailer, and I went out there the other day to find something. When I opened the closet, there were Ken's clothes and shoes and a new pair of fishing waders he had just gotten and only used a couple times. The sky fell in on me right there!!--talk about crying.....), so I know my journey is far from over, but I have a new promise to hang onto.
I know what God has done for me, He will do for you too. I shared my story so that you can share my "manna". I will continue to pray that God will give you an answer that you know, without a doubt, is from Him.
Keep looking up. He is the lifter of our heads. Psalms 3:3
Juanita
