Would you date a divorced guy?

[Jake Kelly]

Ladies...I want your honest opinion on this. Be as nice or brutally honest as possible.

I'm divorced, 32 years old, with a lot of debt, but been a Christian my whole life.

The reason for the divorce was that she was having an affair, and eventually moved out. She said she was coming back in six months, but that was a lie.

I learned over time that she was lying about other stuff too, and it got to the point that I didn't know when she was telling the truth and when she was lying.

I filed for divorce when she refused to go to counseling repeatedly during the six month period and after the six months was up.

We had no kids, and I have zero contact with her today.

I know God hates divorce. I never thought I would be in this position. If my ex would have stayed home and/or gone to counseling, I would have stayed with her.

I just met a wonderful woman tonight that I have been talking to off and on through an online dating site tonight. She doesn't know I am divorced yet, but I will tell her soon. She is 33, and (I don't think) she has never been married.

So, would you date a divorced guy? Please. Be completely honest!

 

[Tropical Wilds]

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Honestly, I'd expect most in their 30s and dating to be divorced.

 

[Jake Kelly]

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Honestly, I'd expect most in their 30s and dating to be divorced.

Yeah...I wonder if this woman I met tonight is divorced! She is 33 and absolutely gorgeous! I just have a hard time believing she has been single forever.

In a way, I would feel better if she is divorced, as then I would understand how she is 33 years old, gorgeous, and single.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

There are a ton of reasons for people to be single, so even if she wasn't, I wouldn't be too alarmed. Just enjoy getting to know her and let it flow organically. If she has a problem, honestly, just from speaking to you on a few threads and seeing how you think and operate... I'd say for sure the loss is all hers.

If it were me, the debt would worry me more, but seeing how you've outlined how you're taking control of it, I wouldn't even have a hard time overcoming that.

 

[iambren]

I would worry more that she hasn't been married before than the fact that you were married previously. Find out why surreptitiously.

 

[Jake Kelly]

Find out why surreptitiously.

Nice!

For those who are wondering, the definition of surreptitiously is:

1. in a secret way, so that others will not notice.

1. Obtained, done, or made by clandestine or stealthy means.
2. Acting with or marked by stealth.

 

[PetLuv]

I would not have an issue dating someone who was divorced. Separated I may hesitate over.
Though, depending on how he explained what happened to cause the divorce I may not stick with it.(obvious resentment or lovelorn, ect)

 

[dayhiker]

I'd not be worried about a divorced person either. But I would want to know about the debt before things go two serious and how they were going to deal with that.

 

[JohnDB]

Actually as a Christian man ages, who has no real vice, the number of women practically throwing themselves at you increases.

There are a ton of Christian women searching desperately for a Christian man to date and marry.

I found that there were some congregations that I could not visit as they had a reputation of the ladies wearing dresses and skirts for a reason. (they fly up as they land in your lap)...so for me that was definitely not a place for me.

But if I were you...(and I have been you) I would most definitely wait to even think about dating or anything. I would completely rebuild my life and fill it with friends and activities and goals and dreams and the work towards accomplishing them. Enhance the world you live in. Get involved in your community towards improving it. You will have no real encumbrances to doing so.

And so what if you are in deep debt. Most people don't have any money. Those that do have money attract gold diggers anyway. You want someone to love you for you and not a token of you. Not your talents or abilities or money or looks...you. So take your time and be extremely picky. Set the bar higher than you ever thought possible for dating. It will be necessary. (talking from experience here) But definitely look for those with the right "life choice patterns".

Remember too that there are two sides to every story...and think about how your ex wife would be explaining her past about being with you...(not much truth to it eh?) But what clues in her character would be giving away the truth to someone she was trying to conceal it from?

 

[Jake Kelly]

Actually as a Christian man ages, who has no real vice, the number of women practically throwing themselves at you increases.

There are a ton of Christian women searching desperately for a Christian man to date and marry.

I found that there were some congregations that I could not visit as they had a reputation of the ladies wearing dresses and skirts for a reason. (they fly up as they land in your lap)...so for me that was definitely not a place for me.

LOL. I never thought about this before. Maybe I am just not old enough to see this behavior! I appreciate the fresh perspective on things.

Remember too that there are two sides to every story...and think about how your ex wife would be explaining her past about being with you...(not much truth to it eh?) But what clues in her character would be giving away the truth to someone she was trying to conceal it from?

I have an idea of some of the things she would say. I know I'm not perfect, and I'm certainly not so arrogant as to suggest that the divorce was entirely her fault.

She would probably say I'm no fun, boring, and screwed up the finances. I would agree I'm nice but boring, but things changed because we were broke. If I was making six figures a year I wouldn't be sitting around the house all day that's for sure.

I made the mistake of not dating my wife like I should have, and that happened when the finances went down hill. It's hard to travel, take vacations, and have nice dinners when you're broke. We could still do those things the first year or so after we got married, but that probably would have changed anyways if we had started having kids.

I saw her character flaws before we got married, and I ignored them. I will never do that again. The biggest character flaw for her was that I saw her always give up on things when the going got tough. I saw her do that with her education and never finishing anything. I saw her do that with jobs when they got tough. Instead of dealing with issues, she would just run from them. I just didn't think she would run from our marriage! I don't think she has any concept of the idea of perseverance.

 

[Lilymay]

Yes I would .. actually I am.. dating a divorced guy.

 

[Hetta]

Ladies...I want your honest opinion on this. Be as nice or brutally honest as possible.

I'm divorced, 32 years old, with a lot of debt, but been a Christian my whole life.

The reason for the divorce was that she was having an affair, and eventually moved out. She said she was coming back in six months, but that was a lie.

I learned over time that she was lying about other stuff too, and it got to the point that I didn't know when she was telling the truth and when she was lying.

I filed for divorce when she refused to go to counseling repeatedly during the six month period and after the six months was up.

We had no kids, and I have zero contact with her today.

I know God hates divorce. I never thought I would be in this position. If my ex would have stayed home and/or gone to counseling, I would have stayed with her.

I just met a wonderful woman tonight that I have been talking to off and on through an online dating site tonight. She doesn't know I am divorced yet, but I will tell her soon. She is 33, and (I don't think) she has never been married.

So, would you date a divorced guy? Please. Be completely honest!

Be totally honest with her. Totally and completely, but without embellishing or dwelling on your wife's infidelity.

My main concern would be in knowing that you were totally healed and whole after this marital experience. Also, I would want to know that you were you on the path to righting your financial affairs, and being more responsible - being a good steward of what God has given you.

I am not sure from your post how long you have been divorced. Is it long ago enough ago for you to have healed? Whether you think or so or not, you are likely to have bitter feelings and mistrust. Are you ready to trust a woman?

 

[iambren]

Well, I'm glad you are able to use a dictionary.

What I mean by surreptitiously is NOT doing the following:

"Say there, is there anything selfish, or a sex-phobia, or commitment phobia that I should read into the fact that after all these years you have never been married?"

I would be more subtle, indirect, surreptitious or WHATEVER word you are comfortable using.

"Be totally honest with her. Totally and completely, but without embellishing or dwelling on your wife's infidelity. "

You see, there's always a little game-playing we humans do when dating, putting our best foot forward. Realness comes with time and building trust. But to answer your question--NO. it's ok to date a divorcee but I would like to know the answer to my question too. Good luck.

 

[Jake Kelly]

Be totally honest with her. Totally and completely, but without embellishing or dwelling on your wife's infidelity.

My main concern would be in knowing that you were totally healed and whole after this marital experience. Also, I would want to know that you were you on the path to righting your financial affairs, and being more responsible - being a good steward of what God has given you.

I am not sure from your post how long you have been divorced. Is it long ago enough ago for you to have healed? Whether you think or so or not, you are likely to have bitter feelings and mistrust. Are you ready to trust a woman?

I have been divorced 15 months and separated just about two years. I wouldn't say I am ready to get married tomorrow, but I do feel like I'm ready to date again. I would want to date at least a year before even talking about getting married to anyone. That would build up more time to heal before taking the plunge again.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't bitter sometimes. I'm mostly bitter due to the debt issues, as some of the debt was hers and I inherited it.

 

[Jake Kelly]

Well, I'm glad you are able to use a dictionary.

What I mean by surreptitiously is NOT doing the following:

"Say there, is there anything selfish, or a sex-phobia, or commitment phobia that I should read into the fact that after all these years you have never been married?"

I would be more subtle, indirect, surreptitious or WHATEVER word you are comfortable using.

"Be totally honest with her. Totally and completely, but without embellishing or dwelling on your wife's infidelity. "

You see, there's always a little game-playing we humans do when dating, putting our best foot forward. Realness comes with time and building trust. But to answer your question--NO. it's ok to date a divorcee but I would like to know the answer to my question too. Good luck.

Right. Right. Yeah I know I can't be direct about this topic, but I have a feeling that once I bring up my past marriage, it may lead to her past, and then maybe I will know why she has never been married.

It may have to do with the fact that she seems to be really busy all the time, and she lives with her mother. Her mom lives with her in her home. She owns the home, and her mom stays with her. It is a cultural thing because this family is originally from Honduras, and traditionally families stay together in this culture.

Her mom is not able to work, so it would appear her mom is dependent on her. This is my guess, but we'll see if that is true.

 

[young@heart]

Ladies...I want your honest opinion on this. Be as nice or brutally honest as possible.

I'm divorced, 32 years old, with a lot of debt, but been a Christian my whole life.

The reason for the divorce was that she was having an affair, and eventually moved out. She said she was coming back in six months, but that was a lie.

I learned over time that she was lying about other stuff too, and it got to the point that I didn't know when she was telling the truth and when she was lying.

I filed for divorce when she refused to go to counseling repeatedly during the six month period and after the six months was up.

We had no kids, and I have zero contact with her today.

I know God hates divorce. I never thought I would be in this position. If my ex would have stayed home and/or gone to counseling, I would have stayed with her.

I just met a wonderful woman tonight that I have been talking to off and on through an online dating site tonight. She doesn't know I am divorced yet, but I will tell her soon. She is 33, and (I don't think) she has never been married.

So, would you date a divorced guy? Please. Be completely honest!

I wouldn't have a problem dating someone divorced however why have you not told her?! if you were on a dating site surely there was a relationship status? If I was her I would be hurt that you hadn't told me before getting involved. Ok it may only be a date but it could show you have a problem with it/ haven't completely accepted it etc?!
TBH if I was dating someone I would want honesty up most and you've already missed that by not being open with her. Surely that is a bigger issue than being worried about debt?

 

[Jake Kelly]

I wouldn't have a problem dating someone divorced however why have you not told her?! if you were on a dating site surely there was a relationship status? If I was her I would be hurt that you hadn't told me before getting involved. Ok it may only be a date but it could show you have a problem with it/ haven't completely accepted it etc?!
TBH if I was dating someone I would want honesty up most and you've already missed that by not being open with her. Surely that is a bigger issue than being worried about debt?

Divorce is, in my opinion, a very personal topic. Why should I have to share that before I even meet her? When I meet someone new (in general not dating), its not like I am going to say "Hi my name is so and so and I'm divorced. I don't want it to define who I am.

I work for a large Christian company here in town, and even most of the coworkers on my team here don't know I'm divorced.

It has only been one date. We exchanged six short messages before we met. At this point she doesn't even have my email or phone number. This isn't something that has been going on for several months or anything.

I've thought through this subject several times and gone back and forth on it, and ultimately decided not to publish my divorced status on the dating site. It is not a Christian dating site. I also decided that I would tell her very early on that I am divorced. If we go on a few more dates, I will tell her on the 2nd or 3rd date or as soon as the subject of past relationships comes up.

 

[Hetta]

You really have to tell her you are divorced. You may think it is personal and private and for your information only, but you are withholding information. What if this woman is unwilling to date a married man? She may have remained single because she has been waiting for a single man. She may be one who believes that remarrying after divorce is adultery (I don't agree with this, but some do). In that case, you would be wasting your and her time. I can't emphasize enough the need to be honest.

You should tell your coworkers too. Why hide these things? Won't it be worse when it comes out one day?

 

[JohnDB]

Divorce is, in my opinion, a very personal topic. Why should I have to share that before I even meet her? When I meet someone new (in general not dating), its not like I am going to say "Hi my name is so and so and I'm divorced. I don't want it to define who I am.

I work for a large Christian company here in town, and even most of the coworkers on my team here don't know I'm divorced.

It has only been one date. We exchanged six short messages before we met. At this point she doesn't even have my email or phone number. This isn't something that has been going on for several months or anything.

I've thought through this subject several times and gone back and forth on it, and ultimately decided not to publish my divorced status on the dating site. It is not a Christian dating site. I also decided that I would tell her very early on that I am divorced. If we go on a few more dates, I will tell her on the 2nd or 3rd date or as soon as the subject of past relationships comes up.

From my past experience this is exactly what you should be doing.

Intimacy is a progressive thing...and should be. To jump from a very low level of sharing of your thoughts and feelings to a very intimate level sends the message of "wacko" and "Danger Will Robinson Danger" very quickly. IOW if you express feelings of love to this woman she will run...and appropriately so. Same with all of your baggage and dirty laundry.

 

[Hetta]

Same with all of your baggage

A previous marriage is BIG baggage. Like I said, not everyone wants to date a divorced man or woman. Leaving it half a dozen dates before you drop that particular shoe will not change their minds about that. He doesn't have to give her chapter and verse but ".. I'm divorced ..." pretty much sums it up and is important for honesty's sake.