Would you be worried?

[joeman1]

I am 24 years old and up to this point I have never had a g/f. To be honest I have never even been out on a date. It seems as though all of the women I have been attracted to just are not attracted to me. One in particular done considerable damage to my self esteem and I am just now recovering. I just feel like I am stupid or something. I am waiting on the the Lord to bring in the right person in my life. I have been talking with someone recently though and we have decided to take things slow and steady. I am just thanking the Lord for the opportunity to begin a relationship which I think this could blossom into. . The problem is though the past keeps comeing back to haunt me I keep thinking things about that previous woman and I don't want to. Can anyone guide me as to what to do next please?

 

[Southern Cross]

Joeman, take it easy. I'm speaking from the other side and want to let you know a few things. Then people who say a married guy shouldn't be posting on this forum can skin me alive later, LOL. I've heard there are CF Singles Police lurking here and there...

First of all, you've got to be comfortable with yourself. You know what you want, right? Well, start thinking that the other girl that hurt you was the one who lost out. Dude, if you've got someone else interested in you that's a good thing. I'm here to tell you - don't even think about your old girlfriend unless it's to take a hard long look at the lessons you learned. I think back about all the girls I dated before I got married, and one in particular was very hurtful. I look back now and ask myself, what in the world was I worried about? You will be that way one day, too. Some girls get a kick out of making guys feel low and unvalued (guys do it to women, too). But in the end, you'll look back and realize they were not worth your time to begin with.

As one who has been married for many years, and who will soon be single again, I want to encourage you - make a list of the things you want in a woman and don't ever settle for less. You can't expect perfection, but you can set standards. Then you make darn sure you can live up to the same set of standards. If someone you like doesn't match up to your list, give it a little time (initial appearances can be deceiving) but don't hesitate to look for a better match. That's why it's so important to be friends first, and not get so involved that your vision is clouded by the romance (although romance and a great kisser is a good thing). Just keep your perspective.

So turn the tables on feeling inadequete, unlovable or whatever else your old girlfriend made you feel. I'll say it again... once you realize they weren't worth your time, you can see things in a whole new light.

I encourage you to start exploring what a Biblical Portrait of marriage is. The real meaning of spriritual leadership, loving your wife as Christ loved the church, etc. Get to know God's idea of a good foundation for a marriage... I'm telling you, it will help you to look at the dating scene in a whole new way. If I had known some of this when I started dating and got married, I think my married life would would have been far different.

 

[Fatolia]

Yes. First of all you're praying, that's a grrrrrrrreat first step. Keep your relationship with God the first thing in life.

Second of all, realize that women don't think the same way you do. They don't usually find someone immediately attractive unless they've got a perfect face and curly hair, and then it's just lust, similar to what would happen to you. So don't worry you're like 90% of us. Women have to warm up to you; personality matters a lot more to them than it does to us. Find opportunities to get to know her. Which leads us to...

Realize that going out doesn't mean being in a relationship. That's not how it is in their eyes, and it shouldn't be that way in your eyes either. If you can get some "friend" time with her, she will place you in the "friend" category, which is a very good thing. Then you can take your relationship slowly and see if God leads you somewhere. You will both also be able to determine if you're right for each other. If you "microwave" date like so many guys try to do, you'll end up breaking your own heart and possibly bringing her down with you. Man, we all feel your pain.

 

[invisiblebabe]

Nothing wrong with never dated/had a girlfriend up 'til now.... my most recent ex was twenty-three (twenty-four now) and had never had a girlfriend until me.

As far as getting over the past.... that's a tough one... I'd say before I'd be able to comment more on that, I'd almost have to know the length of time you were interested in this other woman, how interested you were, and how long ago it came crashing down. It's generally easier to get over someone when it didn't last as long, and you weren't intensely interested (I know this sounds obvious... but yeah... it'd likely change how I'd advise you to go about things).

When it comes to self-esteem damage.... I'm still working on that one, myself. These things don't get better overnight.... they do get better with time... but the change is gradual. It's a lasting change when it does finally get there, though.

All I can say is be very up-front with the new lady about your issues, as you get to know her better. If she can handle it and if she is the right lady for you... it will work out. If she can't handle it, better you know now than a year down the road when you'd be planning to marry. That's basically what happened with my ex-fiance. My issues have not gone away, but God brought a wonderful young man into my life who can help me overcome them (and is a lot of fun to be with and get to know)

I pray that God would bless this new potential relationship in your life and that He would give you His best when it comes to close friendships and relationships. I also pray that He would rapidly (at least as much as is possible, as these things take time) help you get over your difficult past and your self-esteem issues.

A friend and I prayed these things for me... and He has been more than faithful to answer. He'll be faithful to you as well!

 

[joeman1]

I have been praying before Highschool. That was close to 10 years ago. Why can't my prayers be answered. I get a big fat stinking no while the partier and abuser gets the green light.

 

[invisiblebabe]

Yeah.... I went through a lot in middle school, high school, and early college. I'm sorry that you had to go through similar things, it seems

 

[joeman1]

Yeah.... I went through a lot in middle school, high school, and early college. I'm sorry that you had to go through similar things, it seems

I guess what they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

 

[fishstix]

I am 24 years old and up to this point I have never had a g/f. To be honest I have never even been out on a date. It seems as though all of the women I have been attracted to just are not attracted to me. One in particular done considerable damage to my self esteem and I am just now recovering. I just feel like I am stupid or something. I am waiting on the the Lord to bring in the right person in my life. I have been talking with someone recently though and we have decided to take things slow and steady. I am just thanking the Lord for the opportunity to begin a relationship which I think this could blossom into. . The problem is though the past keeps comeing back to haunt me I keep thinking things about that previous woman and I don't want to. Can anyone guide me as to what to do next please?

Would I be worried about being 24 and never having been on a date or had a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship? Nope.

 

[Southern Cross]

Joeman, look at this realistically. You are still young, my friend. Man, I know how I felt when I as your age, all the guys and girls getting married, or at least seriously dating. But I gotta tell you, the ones who came out on top and have the best marriages are the ones who took things in stride and waited to get married, and in some cases even waited to date seriously. There is so much that life has to offer! Don't get all tied up in thinking you've got to be with someone. What is it that you like to do? What's your passion in life? Like, for me, it's photography and entrepreneurship (man, did I butcher the spelling of THAT word?). Go do your thing and relax a little. Eventually, somebody is going to walk into your life, but you will be so much better off as a person and potential husband if you make sure you are comfortable with yourself first. Just enjoy life, enjoy it to the max. You serve a wonderful God who loves to laugh, so laugh right along and do the dance man! When you are ready, she will be there. Don't rush it - it'll happen eventually.

 

[Brutus/HisCatalyst]

Wait on the Lord. His will is best, and He'll hold you till He changes your situation.

 

[waterbear]

I haven't dated either - but I don't really try much. If you have a potential date that's better than most of my single-and-looking friends

 

[joeman1]

Thats just it I don't know what will happen and I don't want to try and take things too fast. Besides she is wanting to take things slow as well.

 

[waterbear]

You shouldn't let your past get to you that much - if it upsets you and you can change it, change it. If it upsets you can you cannot change it, don't let it upset you. Not all women will see you the same way.

 

[joeman1]

So far they have but I have a feeling this one is different.

 

[soda]

if you're not ready to get YES AND NO as an answer, don't ask for something.

or maybe you should have a more expecting attidute in matters that you so clearly put in Gods hand!

and for joeman1. You shouldn't be worried not having had a gf yet. Enjoy what you got! because you have more than you can thank for! I know that doesn't helpt to get rid of those stupid feelings, but prayer is always a good way!

blessings
soda

 

[wvmtnkid]

Joeman1-

Sometimes you just gotta give time for your heart to heal. I think it is good that you and the new potential interest are talking things slow. When you have been hurt in the past, jumping right into something new isn't going to be the cure all to end a broken heart. Believe me, I've tried that. Didn't fair very well in the end. You have to give time for God to heal the wounds and build you back up. I agree with Southern Cross that if you are going to think about the last woman that hurt you so much, let it be in the context of lessons learned and what you would do differently this time. Getting hurt is a rough deal all around, but sometimes that is how we learn our most meaningful lessons.

As for what to do next, continue to pray and ask for God's guidance. Ask him to guard your heart and the young lady's heart as well. Give God your fears and reservations and let him heal you. Continue to take things slow with this girl and enjoy getting to know her, as a friend at first.

 

[Sketcher]

I have been praying before Highschool. That was close to 10 years ago. Why can't my prayers be answered. I get a big fat stinking no while the partier and abuser gets the green light.

The partiers and the abusers can have their Springer relationships, and reap the consequences thereof. God has a better future planned for you. And for now, no relationship is far better than a bad one.