Would you be embaressed.

[jacquidube]

3 years ago a lady came to me in church and told me that she was uncomfortable with my husband. She told me that while he was talking to her he kept on looking down at her breast which made her feel very uncomfortable, she also told me that he has wondering eyes. A couple of months later she asked me if my husband was behaving himself and I said Yes and she said "well no he hasn't, I have had my eyes on him"

(this was said 3 years ago) Well 3 years ago me and my husband were having an argument and in that argument I blurted out what the lady at church had said and he said "Yuk, thats rediculous" he said I was crazy for believing in her. Since then for 3 years now my husband has held a grudge towards this lady. He won't be in her company at all.
I was visiting her the other day and we spoke about Alpha we were doing together and how much we enjoyed it but she said that my husband was always distant from her and that she said that she spoke to him and said that she really cares about him but my husband told me and said that she was lying and probably feeling guilty about what she said about me. I told the lady that my husband doesn't believe her because of how she saw him. I left her home after saying our goodbyes.
Half an hour later I get a call from our youth leader asking if we could meet up at church for a chat about my conversation with this lady. I also had to bring my husband and the lady and her husband were there.
The woman told the youth worker that she was sick of my husband ignoring her and not believing something good when she said something about him.
My husband said "I didn't like what you said about me 3 years ago, she said that she didn't say anything and she said if I did, then who told you. My husband didn't want to say it was me at first but then he had to.
He told her it was me and she tried to deny it and make me look like a liar and then she said that she did remember and can't believe thats the reason why my husband won't speak to her. He also said to her that "you carried on and told my wife that you were watching me and that I was continuing to stare at other women (breast, bottoms, the usual) and she was shocked and she said "yes I did, I thought Jacqui had a right to know" all the time she was looking at me.
I felt really embaressed because my husband had kept this grudge for 3 years.
She said sorry to my husband and said to him "do you forgive me" but my husband didn't and left it at that.

I feel really enbaressed now. I find it hard to face the lady and I was also upset that I told my husband about what another woman had said about him.
Would you of told your husband if another woman had said this about him?
It took me about 2 months to mention it to him about what she had said and then it only came out because I was upset with him.

Have I messed up the relationship even further now?

 

[joanna1]

Maybe the way you told your husband wasn't ideal - but you were definately not wrong to tell him, in fact you would have been wrong to hide it from him. The woman cannot/should not expect you to keep anything secret frm your husband...
What she said was plain ridiculous in the first place if you ask me, if I had a serious issue with a man i'd tell him myself face to face (sounds to me like she just wanted attention) Telling his wife (you) is an absolutely terrible thing to do! Completely insensitive and misplaced. She's obviously the one with the problem here.

 

[MikeK]

Joanna is right-on. IF your husband was leering at this woman and making her uncomfortable she should have called him on it right there, not nark on him to his wife. Now she calls you into church for some round table. She delights in conflict. Avoid her. There is no rule that we have to be buddies with everybody, we just have to love. She is not making your already fragile marriage any better.

You should not feel sorry about telling your husband about this, you did the right thing there - you should have done it right away though.

 

[JustBeachy]

The woman in question should be embarassed. She obviously enjoys stirring the pot to to cause drama. And for pity's sake, you are all adults, and for her to arrange a meeting with a 'mediator' and make it a church issue is outrageous. Keep your distance from her. Don't go out of your way to show disdain for her, but she is not a trustworthy or kind person.

 

[Robinsegg]

Was this a grudge, or was he trying to distance himself from her to keep any more problems with this woman from occurring? Think about it, she says "when he talks to me, he looks down my shirt." So, he stops talking to her, so she can't think he's looking down her shirt.
Common sense, yes?
Rachel

 

[LynnMcG]

I absolutely would have told my husband what this woman said as soon as she'd said it. You were right to tell him. Why are you embarassed? Because of your husband's actions? His pride is preventing him from forgiving this woman. That's his issue. Not yours. Now that everything's been aired out everyone can heal from this.

 

[SabrinaFair]

The only thing I would change would be the way you told him. I would have told my husband at our first private opportunity, and not in anger.

The whole situation is understandably messy. It will be a while before the worst of this altercation blows over. Keep praying, hopefully God will heal this rift.

 

[spiersdodgerblue]

The woman in question should be embarassed. She obviously enjoys stirring the pot to to cause drama. And for pity's sake, you are all adults, and for her to arrange a meeting with a 'mediator' and make it a church issue is outrageous. Keep your distance from her. Don't go out of your way to show disdain for her, but she is not a trustworthy or kind person.

I agree with JustBeachy. But I am confused with one thing....What relationship are you worried about? I personally would be putting my worry and effort into my husband and marriage. Why are you putting so much thought into what this woman thinks. She has stirred the pot and lied to you and lied about your husband.

 

[jacquidube]

The woman in question should be embarassed. She obviously enjoys stirring the pot to to cause drama. And for pity's sake, you are all adults, and for her to arrange a meeting with a 'mediator' and make it a church issue is outrageous. Keep your distance from her. Don't go out of your way to show disdain for her, but she is not a trustworthy or kind person.

I was thinking this myself. She said before she even spoke to me and my husband she sensed my husband was a dodgy character (probably because he is black)

I will be keeping my distance with her but I won't ignore her because its not in my character.

 

[jacquidube]

I absolutely would have told my husband what this woman said as soon as she'd said it. You were right to tell him. Why are you embarassed? Because of your husband's actions? His pride is preventing him from forgiving this woman. That's his issue. Not yours. Now that everything's been aired out everyone can heal from this.

I think I was embaressed because the woman in question is 64 years old. Now thats why my husband said I was talking rediculous.
She even said at the meeting that he was looking at my cleavage when I was trying to talk to him.
I felt embaressed telling him also because of her age. She told other people too.
She remarried last year to a guy in his late 60s and I think the whole situation embaressed her and her new husband and thats why I feel bad because it also happened 3 years ago and my husband had held a grudge all that time.

She is in the healing ministry and she is on the PCC at church. She made my husband feel stupid.
I am also embaressed because I don't think she expected me to tell him what she said. She came across as annoyed and upset because I mentioned it to my husband.
It feels really awkward being around her now.

 

[GrannieAnnie]

She sounds like a frustrated biddy to me....wanting attention, if she can't get it one way, she'll get it another. What a nerve to bring you before the minister.....I think her actions are childish and stupid. I'd avoid her like a hot brick.....

 

[jacquidube]

Was this a grudge, or was he trying to distance himself from her to keep any more problems with this woman from occurring? Think about it, she says "when he talks to me, he looks down my shirt." So, he stops talking to her, so she can't think he's looking down her shirt.
Common sense, yes?
Rachel

When i spoke to my husband he said he was holding a grudge. He said that he didn't want to waste his time with her or even be in her company. He wouldn't give her any time.
He said he was distancing himself from her but he also felt her eyes on him at church and had to be careful who he spoke to and who he looked at.

 

[MikeK]

I think I was embaressed because the woman in question is 64 years old. Now thats why my husband said I was talking rediculous.
She even said at the meeting that he was looking at my cleavage when I was trying to talk to him.
I felt embaressed telling him also because of her age. She told other people too.
She remarried last year to a guy in his late 60s and I think the whole situation embaressed her and her new husband and thats why I feel bad because it also happened 3 years ago and my husband had held a grudge all that time.

She is in the healing ministry and she is on the PCC at church. She made my husband feel stupid.
I am also embaressed because I don't think she expected me to tell him what she said. She came across as annoyed and upset because I mentioned it to my husband.
It feels really awkward being around her now.

I'm going to be as nice as I can. This lady is a nut. She's telling you that your husband's conduct bothers her but apparently it doesn't bother her enough to take it up with him. She expects you to keep secrets from your husband. She apparently sees your husband looking down every shirt under the sun, including yours, when you don't. She actually thinks your husband wants to look at anything on a 64 year old woman. Perhaps she's just mean, or perhaps dementia is setting in a bit early. Regardless, hanging out with her or even giving her accusations a second thought will not help your marriage. Avoid her as much as possible, and when you can't avoid her be curt but polite.

 

[Romanseight2005]

I can't believe she said he was looking down YOUR blouse!! If someone told me my husband was looking down MY shirt, I would say,"YIPPEE," maybe we will have fun tonight!

 

[FriarErasmus]

I can't believe she said he was looking down YOUR blouse!! If someone told me my husband was looking down MY shirt, I would say,"YIPPEE," maybe we will have fun tonight!

Haha! I would agree I'm quite 'guilty' of checking out my wife in public... I mean, come on! Who else should I be checking out? My best defense against having a wandering eye is to focus my eyes on my wife's beautiful body and to think thoughts about her. This woman is nuts! Don't be embarrassed. This woman disrupted your marriage, and for no good reason. Seriously, your husband "checking out" a grandma? Sure, like that is even remotely possible.

 

[TankGirl]

Jacqui, honey. Get together with your hubby, and have a good ol giggle about how mad this situation is. Clear the air with him & have a proper laugh about it.

This woman is a divisive, stirring trouble-maker. And a lying, dishonest & delusional one at that. What she has done is utterly dreadful and she deserves to be ashamed, not you.

As everyone else has said, stay well away from her, get close with your dh & show a united front. It's horrible to think that something as small-minded as racism could be motivating her, but I've got this awful image in my head of the Little Britain sketch with the blue-rinsed old biddy in the floral frock being sick at the mention of "ethnic minorites"! (Bad me! )

 

[Meshavrischika]

I agree with TankGirl. This woman is a troublemaker.

She seems to be under the impression that it is your husband's "christian duty" to forgive her and treat her like nothing has happened, and even appreciate her input. While I agree that forgiveness is something he needs to do... the rest is not necessary. I think being seperate from this type of person is just fine and in no way implies lack of forgiveness.

I think she sees evil because she wants to, not because it is necessarily there. She sounds like a drama queen looking for attention.

Don't be embarassed because your husband keeps his distance from this woman. In fact, I think you should too. If she brings it up again, politely tell her you appreciate that she wants to clear the air, but you're just not interested in a deeper relationship (friendship... whatever) with her and neither is your husband.

 

[jacquidube]

I can't believe she said he was looking down YOUR blouse!! If someone told me my husband was looking down MY shirt, I would say,"YIPPEE," maybe we will have fun tonight!

No, I said she said he was looking down her blouse. I wouldn't have a problem if he was looking down my blouse . . . lol.

 

[TankGirl]

No, I said she said he was looking down her blouse. I wouldn't have a problem if he was looking down my blouse . . . lol.

Why ON EARTH would he be gazing down her front when he has such a hot babe sitting next to him who he is practically COMMANDED to drool over?

 

[LynnMcG]

I think I was embaressed because the woman in question is 64 years old. Now thats why my husband said I was talking rediculous.
She even said at the meeting that he was looking at my cleavage when I was trying to talk to him.
I felt embaressed telling him also because of her age. She told other people too.
She remarried last year to a guy in his late 60s and I think the whole situation embaressed her and her new husband and thats why I feel bad because it also happened 3 years ago and my husband had held a grudge all that time.

She is in the healing ministry and she is on the PCC at church. She made my husband feel stupid.
I am also embaressed because I don't think she expected me to tell him what she said. She came across as annoyed and upset because I mentioned it to my husband.
It feels really awkward being around her now.

Wow, you are way too embarassed!

First of all, you're married. Of course you're gouing to tell your husband. ESPECIALLY when it was such an incredible accusation aginst HIS character. If she was embarassed, that's her problem. NOT yours. If she didn't want him to know what she'd said, she shouldn't have said anything.

I still don't know why you're embarassed for your husband. People can carry hurts and unforgiveness for life. Not that it's right. But it happens. Had you told him when it first happend, maybe you both could have addressed it when it was fresh.

Hopefully you've learned not to keep things from your husband or allow strangers to manipulate you and place themselves between you and your husband.