Would This Be a Marriage?

[ohcalidatex]

I am seriously dating a woman and considering marriage. We are both in our early 50's, divorced, and have raised children. I suffer from post-traumatic stress syndrome from events very early in life. Despite many years of counseling nothing has fundamentally changed. I enjoy company in small doses. My girl friend and I do things together and talk daily but I still crave time alone which she gives me. I am not very social so I give her space to have social contact with friends and family. I participate at times but understand her needs in that are and we are both ok with her having a social life apart from me.

I am very flat emotionally. I don't get excited or passionate. I don't express strong emotions and emotional intimacy is not very strong for me. The truth is I could live alone the rest of my life and be ok with it. Maybe not ideal but if I had enough friends to do things with when I wanted to I would probably be just fine. I crave time alone. When my girl friend is over we spend some time together then at times I'm in my home office doing my own thing.

We have affection which I enjoy but for years I have had no libido and sex turns me off. I've warned her that if we marry it will be largely sexless. I would always be available for her and do my best but personally have no desire for sex and don't enjoy it. She seems ok with that. She claims her own needs are minimal. I find her very attractive but that attraction does not turn into physical desire. My health is good and my testosterone is ideal. I've been through Christian therapy about this and there does not seem to be a fix. Yes God can do anything but I could not in good conscience go into a marriage promising that area will improve.

I'm not sure how much of a marriage it would be. Between my need for time alone and the non-sexual nature of the relationship I question if that would really be a marriage? She wants to get married despite all this but I still worry that over time she might come to feel differently. Trust me I do many loving things for her and care very much. I try my best to not neglect her but at the same time I question if I am even cutout for marriage given all this.

 

[LinkH]

If you are content with being celibate, why get married? Why not focus on serving the Lord as a single person like I Corinthians 7 recommends?

Well, you've already been married before, so it's not like something that has to be on the bucket list.

 

[ohcalidatex]

If you are content with being celibate, why get married? Why not focus on serving the Lord as a single person like I Corinthians 7 recommends?

Well, you've already been married before, so it's not like something that has to be on the bucket list.

The primary reason for me to get married would be to have some companionship and someone to travel with and not have the added expense or two hotel rooms.

 

[Hetta]

If you are both fully agreed on the kind of marriage you want, then go for it. If you haven't had couples counseling though, I would seriously suggest that you do that - just to be sure that you are both totally on the same page with this kind of marriage.

Marriage isn't just for sex.

 

[DZoolander]

I wouldn't get married under such circumstances. Why bother? If you simply want the platonic companionship - just keep hanging out with her. No need to complicate the matter by getting some legal status that might end up biting your kids in the tuchus later.

 

[LinkH]

I think you should take what your girlfriend says with a grain of salt. Let's say a young man is dating a young woman, and he says he doesn't want children. IF she says that's okay, he shouldn't take that too seriously. If he's going to marry her, he should be aware that there is a reasonably large chance that she will change her mind in several years, and be willing to have kids with her, if he marries her.

If you marry a woman who is okay with the idea that you don't care for sex, and she says that's okay, just realize that while she might think that at the moment, the time might come later in the relationship where she is unhappy with a near sexless relationship. A man in this situation needs to realize that he's got to be willing to have sex later on, or she's going to be unhappy.

She may think these things now, if she loves you and wants to marry you. But if you don't go into a marriage doing the normal married things, celibacy might be better.

 

[kristina411]

Considering the divorce rate, going into a marriage doing"normal things" has no factor in how long a marriage lasts. And yes, there is a good chance when a young woman says she does not want kids, that she will change her mind. But we have to remember the poster and his significant other are in their 50s, old enough to know if a sexless marriage would bother them or not. Yes there is a small chance they change their mind eventually, but much smaller chance than a young married couple. Every marriage risks change, its changing together that's key. And OP, if she ever did get an increase in her libido, there are other ways if you are not feeling up to it. Just remember not to neglect her sexually, in whatever way you can be there for her sexually do it if she needs it. Whatever way you can be there comfortably that is.
Sex isn't as big in marriage as one thinks, its the intimacy that is craved so much. Sex is important but if both partners do not desire sex and just keep the intimacy alive, their marriage could be just as fulfilling as a sexually active marriage.

 

[ohcalidatex]

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. I have taken care to remind her that while I will always do whatever I can for her I can't promise my libido or desire for sex will ever be "normal." I do try to be affectionate with her as I don't have any issues touching in non-sexual ways. It's more that while I do think she is very attractive and sexy that mental noticing does not cause a physical response. Likewise touching her in sexual ways often does nothing for me. I am thrilled if it brings her what she needs but I know it probably will not arouse me enough for anything to happen on my part. ED, by the way, is not an issue.

Still I really want her to count the cost. I agree though that all marriages undergo change and it's handling the change together that matters unless something becomes the total opposite of what you started with. That can be hard.

Trust me it feels odd to be this way in such a sexual society. I believe sex is a beautiful thing God designed both for procreation and as a deeply intimate expression of love. I am very scared though and don't have deep feelings so intimacy of any kind is very hard for me. I just don't get intimate...

 

[Dave-W]

Most of the christian world view has sex as something the guy wants/needs and his wife is supposed to provide that for him. That contrasts greatly with the world view of the biblical authors who grew up in an environment that taught (based on Ex 21.10) that sex was a wife's right and a husband's responsibility. Indeed, the Ketubot (marriage contracts) of the day often spelled out the frequency of sex the husband was to provide to his wife. (in many cases it was daily)

Put that up against western society where even the medical doctors did not realize women had a sex drive until just over a century ago. So you and her were about the first generation to really understand that. (some still do not) She may have been subconsiously suppressing her desires her whole life and that is why she says she would be ok with little or no sex. You have to decide if you want to sacrifice yourself for her to bring her pleasure or not. But that is what marriage is all about - sacrificing your own desires and needs to provide for someone else. (agape love)

 

[ohcalidatex]

Most of the christian world view has sex as something the guy wants/needs and his wife is supposed to provide that for him. That contrasts greatly with the world view of the biblical authors who grew up in an environment that taught (based on Ex 21.10) that sex was a wife's right and a husband's responsibility. Indeed, the Ketubot (marriage contracts) of the day often spelled out the frequency of sex the husband was to provide to his wife. (in many cases it was daily)

Put that up against western society where even the medical doctors did not realize women had a sex drive until just over a century ago. So you and her were about the first generation to really understand that. (some still do not) She may have been subconsciously suppressing her desires her whole life and that is why she says she would be ok with little or no sex. You have to decide if you want to sacrifice yourself for her to bring her pleasure or not. But that is what marriage is all about - sacrificing your own desires and needs to provide for someone else. (agape love)

Good points all. The way she put it to me is that in the past her needs were met as a subset of her ex-husband's needs. He seemed to need it more often than she did so she never really had to initiate. Chances were her needs would get met given how often he wanted it. She did add that I didn't need to worry; she would initiate when she needed it if by chance I didn't.

Of course we are both in our 50's so her needs may be slowing down some. I am very willing to sacrifice for her. Sex though is a little different depending on the woman's preferences. I could give her a massage every day. Sex though (depending on what she wants) requires some level of arousal on my part and that is not something I can manufacture. If my body/mind is not aroused it is not aroused. It's difficult to describe but I can mentally think she looks great and sexy but those thoughts do not trigger arousal. At one time they would have but no longer.

I could not go into marriage promising it would all work out. I could promise to give it my best but I want her to really understand this is an area of risk. I don't want her to assume it will all be fine in time.

 

[Dave-W]

There are forms of giving sexual pleasure which do not require arousal on the part of the giver. A couple of them are even obliquly referenced in Song of Solomon.