Would this be a good idea?

[LynzLovedByCHRIST]

I have already posted about this before, or something very similar...

As long as my boyfriend is accepted into the university he applied to(he hasn't heard from them yet), he will be going there next summer. It is about 2 hours away from here. Granted, things will change. I believe we can make it though, as long as both of us want it to work and make the effort.

However, like I've said before, I am concerned about how this will affect our relationship- who wouldn't be? I have put it in the Lord's hands, though, and I am trying very hard not to take it back into my own. I have also been concerned about how this affects our future. As I have said again before in another post, I told him that I would let him be the one to bring up the future of our relationship again.

So I've been holding my toungue. It can be hard, but it's not too bad since I've prayed about it. There's just been a big question (or 2) in my mind for the past 3 days:

1) Does he want to be fully finished with college (which will take him 4-5 years) before he marries?
2) Now, 5 months after that conversation we had, does he have any better idea if I could be that person he marries?

I am not looking for an engagement ring. It's just that we have been together for a year and 8 months. And if he still does not have any deeper feelings than he had for me 5 months ago (really not sure if I could be the one God intended for him, imagining me as his wife and us being in the same household was "fuzzy")...

So I was considering having my best friend talk to him. They are good friends, and I believe she could get an honest answer out of him. I know she has been wondering exactly how serious he is too. Would this be a good thing to do?

 

[Maeyken]

I don't think that's a good idea. To me, it sort of seems sneaky. It's also involving someone else in the relationship, which I don't think is a good idea. Discussions about the future of a relationship should take place between the two people involved, not between them and their friends.

If you're seriously considering marriage with this guy, then you should be able to talk to him about anything. What would happen in the future if you're married and you can't ask him about certain things. If you promised him that you wouldn't ask him about the future of your relationship then I guess you're bound to that. I'd suggest mentioning to him that you know you said you wouldn't ask him about your future, but that you've realized you need to discuss it, and go from there. I think the future of a relationship should be something that is talked about from time to time, even if there is no change in the status. I think 5 months is a pretty long time to go without talking about the future at all... but that's just my opinion.

 

[intricatic]

I would talk to him personally, if I were you. Just let him know it is a sincere concern on your part, and you'd like to know for sure where he stands.


P.S. The two hour away thing is inconsequential, my girlfriend lives 2 hours away from me until next year sometime when she moves to the East coast of Florida, and we've been together nearly as long as you and your boyfriend have. It's easy enough to work around, so long as there's a will to make it work.

 

[ChildOfGod20]

i agree w/ everyone here. u need to be able to talk to him yourself. it seems that after a year and 8 months u should be able to do that no prob by now

 

[bumblebee62331]

1) Does he want to be fully finished with college (which will take him 4-5 years) before he marries?
2) Now, 5 months after that conversation we had, does he have any better idea if I could be that person he marries?

I have been thinking the exact same things with concern to my relationship with my boyfriend, whom I have been seeing for nearly a year and 4 months now. I am at uni and will be there for about 2 more years. I asked someone who got married while she was at uni and she said she would not recommend it. There was so much work to plan etc and she just didn't have the time to juggle marriage plans and uni. She wanted to concentrate fully on the wedding but had to take away her attention a lot and put it on exams etc.

As for finding out if he wants to marry you, asking your friend to ask him is not the way to go. Relationships are built on communication and if he can't communicate to you how he feels about you, but can tell your best friend, then there's something up. You need to be upfront with him about your feelings, say your piece and let him say his.

He is probably a bit stressed about uni and thinking about engagement, especially since you haven't been dating for very long. Give him some time to think it through but ensure you know exactly how he feels. It needs to come from him directly to you.

 

[LynzLovedByCHRIST]

Wow. Everyone's replies has given me so much to think about. I read this post today about 12:30, and for the rest of the day I was thinking about what you all said, especially Blue's post.

Blue, you were right, at first I recoiled at what you said. It was quite unwelcome to me. But as the day went on, and I thought about it, you're right. He and I have communication problems. I hold back on telling him things I am concerned about, things that worry me, things I wish he would or would not do...this list could go on.

Part of this is because when I was younger, my family expressed themselves (and still do I guess) to each other in not the best ways. Feelings/thoughts are held in for awhile, and then said in a way that sounds very unkind. Not all the time, but definitely sometimes. Or, the attitude of others' behavior toward you (me) is seen as, "well, that's just how they are, don't worry about it." or "you'll probably be better off to just let it go." So I have learned to hesitate about sharing my true feelings about how peoples' treatment of me affects me.

Also, perhaps I have misunderstood leaving things to God, putting it in His hands. Because many times, I say I've done this, so I don't do anything. I pray about the situation and hope for the best. This actually has worked for several things I believe, like how I never said a word to him about being late and it bothering me, but just praying about it, and now he is rarely late at all, and if it looks that way, he calls.

Another reason is that I try to open myself up to Joe and present him with these things I'm concerned about, and I get (sometimes) a comment like, "You enjoy putting me on the spot, don't you?" that is discouraging. Or he says little, even when I ask him what he thinks. And yes, before talking to him, even though I forget to at times, I pray for him to be receptive.

Anyway, so that's where a lot of my communication problems are.
I'm being interrupted (rather pleasantly actually) right now by a call from my best friend...so more later!

 

[LynzLovedByCHRIST]

Hearing what my best friend had to say about this, and what you all had to say too, has helped me sooo much.

Tomorrow night, I am planning on going to his church (he will be informed of this tomorrow). Afterwards, somewhere private, I plan to share with him how I see the lack of communication between ourselves. My best friend brought up such a good point too: We very rarely call one another just to say, "hey, how was your day?" Just BASIC communication. I do it more than my boyfriend does, but it isn't everyday or most of the time, not even every other day. That is sad, now that I really look at it.

This is a turning point in...myself? I suppose...because I see that this needs very much attention right now before anything else.

I do not want us to have to take a break, as my friend at first suggested, then took back. If it is necessary, we will, but I want us to be able to work through this together, start out together at the most basic by just communicating in a simple, quick "hey, how are you? how was your day?" phone call once a day, and more if either feels like it. I am unsure if we will limit our physical seeing each other (dates) or not. Right now, it is usually twice a week (Fri. and Sat.).

Anyway, please pray for us and continue to do so if you already are. I appreciate that very much.