Worshipping in Different Churches

[Rising Eagle]

Over the past three to four years, the church where my wife and I worship has changed significantly. There is a much greater emphasis on certain spiritual gifts, what feels like movement towards eliminating any music that's more than a few years old and various other issues.
I am desperately struggling with all this and feel extremely rejected by the church leader as, to quote someone else, he listens to everyone but doesn't take any notice of anyone.. So it feels like a very lonely and unloving church to be in. I could say more but it wouldn't add anything to the more significant point.
My wife is quite comfortable with a lot of these things, although does recognise that I struggle.
If I were not married, I would have left some time ago. My wife, in contrast, would not leave. However, the thought of leaving comes to mind to quite frequently.
Now to the question I'd welcome some thoughts on.
Should a husband and wife worship together in the same church? My feelings are that they should and, not to do so, would be seen as a failure, at least on my part.
What do you think?

 

[sarahbug]

I'm not sure how well this would work, but what about finding a church you are comfortable in and then taking turns each week on which church you attend? Not sure how well that would work...

 

[charligirl]

This sounds like a difficult situation for you to be in. I think it is very important for a man and wife to attend church together, you are a team and whether in official 'ministry' or not you minister together as a couple just by being christians and living your lives as an example. Different churches could also throw up all sorts of problems if you have children.

What does God have to say about it??? I only change churches when God clearly tells me to and I know that it is Him leading me and not me listening to my emotions and feelings. Sometimes God has us in places that we don't feel comfortable in because He wasntus to face issues in us and heal us so we can be free inthe future.

Now I don't know if that's what's happening with you, I don't know you and don't want to judge, I am just going to throw a suggestion out there so please chuck this out if I am off track.....

Your post sounds like you are uncomfortable with the changes that are happeneing in the church, the new songs the shift in the Spirit etc. From my own experience I have been in churhces where this has happened and it can be unnerving and uncomfortable, we are creatures of habit and often fear change But sometimes change is what God wants for us.. but we need to ask Him to give us new wine skins to hold the new wine... the old ones can't cope and will break.

It seems from your post that your wife doesn't feel the unloving and loneliness that you are experiencing. Could this be something that you are experienceing because you are not comfortable with this new direction? If everyone is in a flow of something and you are stood on the banks so to speak , I can imagine it would feel like noone is listening or understanding.

Can you and your wife meet with the pastor and express your concerns, tell him how you are feeling, (he may have no idea!) all pray together and see what God says? Be open to Him saying that He wants to heal and stretch you and for you to stay... He might be leading you on to another church.. but I doubt He would lead you to separate churches.

No church is perfect, but a church that stands still soon stagnates and dies. Church is a great place to be stretched beause others will always cause you offence, it happenes everywhere and pastors are included inthis.. we are all onl;y human. It's how we choose to deal with what we are feeling that establishes our character.

I would suggest you cry out to God, ask HIM what his plan for you and your wife is, for the place He has prepared for you, because that is where you will flourish and be happy.

God Bless

 

[Rising Eagle]

"but I doubt He would lead you to separate churches" is what I feel.
I've spoken to the church leader on a number of occasions and he doesn't really listen. I'm hanging on in there at present, but am concerned that I'm going to spiritually self-destruct with pressures coming at me from so many different directions.

 

[charligirl]

I'm hanging on in there at present, but am concerned that I'm going to spiritually self-destruct with pressures coming at me from so many different directions.

Which is why you need to seek God on this, to fill up and find peace before you burn out.

Philippians 4
6Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

I think we often want the peace of verse 7, but forget about verse 6 which is the instruction on how to get that peace. (well I know I do anyway)

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Talk to her about it. Just to get your feelings out rather than try to "convince" her you guys need to go somewhere else.
For now just express your feelings to her if you haven't already.

 

[selune]

I'll be praying for you both. Our church dealt with this issue by going to two services. One very traditional and the other more contemporary. May God lead you in your struggle.

 

[Jenna]

Wow, RE, I really feel ya here. My husband and I are in the same boat, pretty much, though I am the one who feels uncomfortable.

For as uncomfortable as I feel sometimes, I find that it is more important to me to have that connection with my husband. I know that some people are real open with their spouses, but working on faith TOGETHER has been a trial for my husband and myself. We have difficulties praying together even, so I figure that it would probably do more harm than good for us to be having different worship experiences while we are trying grow together. It is good for me to see him pray, to sing praises to the Lord. Sometimes it is just too easy to stop thinking of his spiritual health if I am not frequently exposed to him in that kind of arena. So, for the wellbeing of our relationship, I've decided that while I will keep my feelers out for a church that we could both be comfortable in, I will go to church with my husband instead of looking for a place for just myself.

I know, it probably sounds like I'm just rambling. *laughs* Really, there was a point in there though. No matter how much I am put off by some things in the style of worship, I've got to get my head in the right place and have my heart and mind focus on praising the Lord. So long as I have my focus in the right place, the rest of it becomes pretty inconsequencial, for the most part. It's become more important to me to seek a closer relationship with my spouse (1+1+ the One) than it is for me to find an atmosphere that works the best with me. lol Besides, it helps me to have a wonderful atmosphere in my home, where we worship God the most through our daily lives.

 

[Tami]

If my husband decided that he wanted to change churches, he would talk to me about his reasons why he thought it was in the best interests of our family for us to find another church. If I felt differently, I would tell him why I wanted to stay. Then we might agree to think and pray about it a little longer and talk about it again and if we still didn't agree, he wouldn't hesitate to stand his ground and tell me that he's sorry but he thinks it's within our family's best interest to find another church. We may even argue about it and I might be mad but I would leave the church with him and we would go find another one because I know that it is my responsibility according to the Bible that I submit, even when I don't like it, unless of course he's asking me to sin. This same situation has actually happened in our marriage and I did leave the church with him even though I didn't want to at first, but looking back, I can see that he made a good decision.

"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing." Ephesians 5:22-24

"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord."
Colossians 3:18

I'm not suggesting that you force your wife to leave the church against her will and drag her out kicking and screaming. She is supposed to submit but you are also supposed to love her as Christ loves the Church.

"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:" Ephesians 5:25-29

"Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them." Colossians 3:19


Since you are supposed to love her as Christ loves the Church, you should not force your will on her because Christ does not force His will on her or anyone else. If she is going to submit, she has to choose to submit, just like we choose or choose not to submit to Christ. He doesn't force his will on any of us. My advice for you would be to pray on a continual basis for God to change her heart so that she would want to leave with you. In the meantime, I think you should still be going to church with her so that it doesn't drive a wedge between you. She may resent you for leaving and that wouldn't help anything.


Tami

 

[Rising Eagle]

Many thanks to all of you who have kindly taken the time to respond.
Please keep the replies coming in.
There's a lot of helpful stuff in there.