Worried about my adopted tween son

[Grace Lemon]

I'm not sure if this needs to moved by staff due to it's topic, but since it's a problem that my child is having, I'm putting it here. I'm sorry if I do this wrong.

Normally, I wouldn't call him adopted, he's my baby, but I need to acknowledge his upbringing before my husband and I adopted him and I need to explain the situation. My girls grew up going to church. With our sons, we had to introduce them to church and God over time. We have five children--two biological girls (17, 9), three adopted boys (16, 12, 5). My husband and I adopted a pair of siblings when they were 11 and a new born, and later, the son that I'm worried about (we adopted him just before he turned 9).

My boy, who's 12, has been stealing his older sister's skirts, tops, hair clips and ties, and using her makeup and nail polish. I regret letting him grow his hair out because now he puts it in pigtails. We don't allow him to eat dinner with us if he dresses like that, nor do we allow him to go out like that. It's a struggle every day. I've started checking his drawers and bags to make sure there's none of his sisters clothes in there. My husband and I have both tried talking to him, trying to understand where this desire comes from, and explaining to him how we feel about it. I have no idea where he picked this behavior up, or if it came from a previous home. He tells me he feels ugly and likes dressing in girls clothes to feel pretty and happy. When we remind him he's a boy, he gets angry, and he's more defiant about going to church than he's ever been.

I don't support whatever this is, but I'm not sure what to do. I tried taking him to the store to get some new boy clothes in hopes that it would help in case it was a confidence issue, he's a pubescent boy, he was bound to start feeling awkward eventually. But everything he wanted was dark and/or inappropriate (eg. full of holes, skulls/monsters, more girl clothes etc.).

I pray to God that he will show me what to do, but it's gotten worse. This weekend, we got a call that he tried to shoplift makeup from a local general store. Our older adopted boys came with some issues, our tween came with a habit of stealing that we thought we'd gotten rid of. He's always been sweet, he's always hated getting in trouble, and even when he's stubborn it's never come from a place of hate. I can't believe it's gotten this bad. I'm angry with him and embarrassed, I want to show him the way, but I'm not sure what to do.

 

[Sabertooth]

Just my own "natural" wisdom, "Have you looked into getting him involved with Boy Scouts?"

 

[coffee4u]

This is tough. I firmly believe these type of issues come about from things that have happened over childhood. Sexual abuse is one, but even neglect or emotional abuse can have a devastating effect on a child. https://skemman.is/bitstream/1946/25691/1/SvavaGudrun-skilskemma.pdf
Hating your own body is one sign of abuse. Some handle it by not eating or over eating, taking drugs or self harm but a few want to switch genders. They have a deep need to try and take control over their body and puberty makes it feel out of control. A lot of things could have happened in those 9 years and now at 12 his body is probably starting to change and I would say this has sparked it off. If a deep seated emotional issue is causing this, a simple talk won't fix it. He needs professional help.

Does he have a good relationship to his father? (your husband) Is there something they can bond over? I would try hard to find something that you think your son will be good at, that they can do together.
Does he know how much you both love him?
I would also get him into counseling.
And just adding prayer of course. I would pray over your son nightly.

 

[mama2one]

delete as poster didn't return

 

[Tolworth John]

tried taking him to the store to get some new boy clothes in hopes that it would help in case it was a confidence issue, he's a pubescent boy, he was bound to start feeling awkward eventually. But everything he wanted was dark and/or inappropriate (eg. full of holes, skulls/monsters, more girl clothes etc.).

As you know bring up teenagers is a tightrope, being pushed one way, pulled another.

I have only two suggestions.
That you and your husband be consistent in keeping to the rules and in loving him.

That your husband talks to him about puberty, the changes, emotional storms etc and that you wallow him some leeway in his choice of cloths.
Does it matter if his choice is for a redshirt with a skull on it! So long as you are shocked he is rebelling successfully, but the condition is he stops steal and wears boys cloths.

 

[PloverWing]

I can imagine several things that might be going on with him. 1) He might genuinely have gender dysphoria. 2) Or, he might think that makeup and feminine-style clothes are fun and happy, because pretty sparkly things are fun -- but without gender dysphoria. (Compare, for example, that I enjoyed wearing pants whenever I could as a child, because they were comfortable and practical, even though girls were not allowed to wear pants at my school or church. It wasn't dysphoria; the boys just got to wear better clothes.) 3) Or, there might be teenage rebellion, wearing these things exactly because you disapprove, to assert himself. 4) Or, maybe something else I'm not thinking of.

I agree with the others who have said that a counsellor or therapist or peer support group could be helpful. It would give him someone to talk to who's outside the "rebel against mom and dad" dynamic, and it might help him sort through his feelings.

There are two components of the story that bother me more than the choice of clothing: the stealing, and the resistance to going to church. Teens resist going to church for all sorts of reasons, but I'm concerned that if he hears a strong message that he has to dress masculinely in order to be welcome at church, he may reject Jesus on account of that. I've seen that happen before, and it grieves me; Jesus is more important that what we wear.

As to the stealing, is there a possible compromise that would let him wear what he wants in specific times and places (like, in his room on a Saturday), with legally purchased clothing items, to give him an alternative to stealing and hiding?