Work vs. study.

[chaz345]

Seems to me they are too busy collecting degree's and not applying themselves.

JMO

Stated a bit more directly and bluntly that I would have but I was thinking something similar.

The other thing that occured to me is that the OP seems to have bought into the myth that she can "have it all", career, husband, and kids without any of them being at all compromised. I'm not suggesting that SHE be the only one required to compromise, but the reality is that it's simply not possible to have all of those things without there being a shortfall of time and effort somewhere.

 

[JanniGirl]

Hmm. So what should the husband compromize? --- Its not a myth. Lots of families do all three (note how a husband assumes that he'll get all three: job, family, wife but its unrealistic for her to assume that she'll get the same).

Got to love the Fundies.

 

[chaz345]

For the record Janni, my request that you not referr to my posts in any way that I made a couple of months ago still stands.

 

[trustnotstress]

Wait 3 degrees? Why in the world has he needed to get 3 degrees?

You need do do three to get a PhD.

 

[trustnotstress]

We have 4 kids who have "dreams" to, our first obligation was to them, first, security in house, and food and medicine, then university, not one of us.

I agree but your situation was pretty black and white (or should have been!). If we were in your situation there would be no choice. And ten years? I feel tired just thinking about it. I'm just going to take one.

 

[trustnotstress]

Seems to me they are too busy collecting degree's and not applying themselves.

JMO

Actually my husband has been working for 15 years. Now the children are all at school I can look at my next step.

 

[trustnotstress]

Stated a bit more directly and bluntly that I would have but I was thinking something similar.

The other thing that occured to me is that the OP seems to have bought into the myth that she can "have it all", career, husband, and kids without any of them being at all compromised. I'm not suggesting that SHE be the only one required to compromise, but the reality is that it's simply not possible to have all of those things without there being a shortfall of time and effort somewhere.

Yes, which is why it's taken me this long to look at getting back to study. Family comes first.

 

[chaz345]

Actually my husband has been working for 15 years. Now the children are all at school I can look at my next step.

What field is the degree you are looking at in?

Also, I'm not at all suggesting that women shouldn't have careers and family/kids, but something about the way you've been wording things leaves me with the impression that you derive a large degree of your sense of self worth from your career/education. IMO, that's just not a good mix with being a mom and wife.

 

[trustnotstress]

Hmm. So what should the husband compromize? --- Its not a myth. Lots of families do all three (note how a husband assumes that he'll get all three: job, family, wife but its unrealistic for her to assume that she'll get the same).

Got to love the Fundies.

You got it . I am happy to compromise though. This has come up in my thinking because I am considering a job that is more hours than I can comfortably do while studying. It's take that job and not study or wait and see if I can get another job that allows me to do both. I could easily get a job if 1/ I paid someone to look after the children after school - which is not an option or 2/ stopped studying. If I'd done this extra year of study there would be many more doors open and after this year is done I can do the higher number of hours easily as I won't be studying any more - and it won't compromise me being there for the family either.

What people seem to be missing is that I was working a job that fit with my study before we moved for him. I have some job applications in but I only know the outcome of the one with more hours than comfortable and I don't want to compromise the family. So I am waging an internal battle about what to do with this job and whether I should let it go and finish the study or go for the instant gratification of earning now. We won't go bankrupt if I don't but it is going to be helpful of course.

The fact is that either decision is going to cost my family something. Either I have less personal income this year or I am less available for the family. It is more important to me to be available to the family as the first need isn't as pressing or important. Maybe my answer is in that. I could turn down this job and pray for one of my applications that is more suitable to be successful so I get the income without compromising the family and can still study.

BTW - my husband does see the dilemma in this and the difficulties involved with balancing family, work and study. And he's supportive about that.

 

[trustnotstress]

What field is the degree you are looking at in?

Also, I'm not at all suggesting that women shouldn't have careers and family/kids, but something about the way you've been wording things leaves me with the impression that you derive a large degree of your sense of self worth from your career/education. IMO, that's just not a good mix with being a mom and wife.

I don't think someone who derives self-worth from career and education would have put that on hold for 15 years to make raising children their priority, do you? If career and education was that important to me I wouldn't be having to work this out now.

I don't feel the need to disclose my field.

 

[chaz345]

I don't think someone who derives self-worth from career and education would have put that on hold for 15 years to make raising children their priority, do you? If career and education was that important to me I wouldn't be having to work this out now.

I don't feel the need to disclose my field.

Fair enough.

I'm out.

 

[trustnotstress]

You know, the fact I am thinking about what clothes I am going to buy if I take this job suggests to me that this particular job in in excess of our needs. A fair amount of it will be spent recreationally or just saved. I'm going to reflect on that for the next few hours and make a decision on the job.

 

[JanniGirl]

Chaz, I'm choosing to ignore your request. Take it for whatever you want it to be. You can choose not to see my responses, if you'd like. Guess that button is around here somewhere, and I suggest you use it if you would prefer not to read a direct response from me. No one appointed anyone else Lord of the Manor. I've got free speech just like anyone else.

 

[Conservativation]

You got it . I am happy to compromise though. This has come up in my thinking because I am considering a job that is more hours than I can comfortably do while studying. It's take that job and not study or wait and see if I can get another job that allows me to do both. I could easily get a job if 1/ I paid someone to look after the children after school - which is not an option or 2/ stopped studying. If I'd done this extra year of study there would be many more doors open and after this year is done I can do the higher number of hours easily as I won't be studying any more - and it won't compromise me being there for the family either.

What people seem to be missing is that I was working a job that fit with my study before we moved for him. I have some job applications in but I only know the outcome of the one with more hours than comfortable and I don't want to compromise the family. So I am waging an internal battle about what to do with this job and whether I should let it go and finish the study or go for the instant gratification of earning now. We won't go bankrupt if I don't but it is going to be helpful of course.

The fact is that either decision is going to cost my family something. Either I have less personal income this year or I am less available for the family. It is more important to me to be available to the family as the first need isn't as pressing or important. Maybe my answer is in that. I could turn down this job and pray for one of my applications that is more suitable to be successful so I get the income without compromising the family and can still study.

BTW - my husband does see the dilemma in this and the difficulties involved with balancing family, work and study. And he's supportive about that.

You "moved for him"....nice

USUALLY there is at least some benefit for the whole family, maybe in your case you moved because your husband had altruistic reasons, it was a detriment to the family, and yea, you "moved for him"

What a really sad way to look at things in a marriage. If this view was assured, I do hope you told him upfront that," yea, we will move but its gonna come up again in the future as leverage or just to throw something at you. "


You "have less personal income" this year?

Again....I cant imagine that, MINE HERS etc....

The fundie comment is goofy, reactionary gender card rot....dont need it, wont take it....it has zero to do with some get in the kitchen thing.

If the husband's "dream" benefited the family financially, ESPECIALLY if it got you were you CAN study and not panic over money....well, its simply not very mature to throw it up at him.

Look, obviously you are somewhere else, other than where I am, so I have no advice that would work. Unless you are in witness protection your reason for not telling your field must be that it would invite questions...and thats OK...your choice.

Here maybe is advice that will go down well


you go girl, dont let that man or any man hold you back from those dreams now....

 

[trustnotstress]

You "moved for him"....nice

USUALLY there is at least some benefit for the whole family, maybe in your case you moved because your husband had altruistic reasons, it was a detriment to the family, and yea, you "moved for him"

What a really sad way to look at things in a marriage. If this view was assured, I do hope you told him upfront that," yea, we will move but its gonna come up again in the future as leverage or just to throw something at you. "


You "have less personal income" this year?

Again....I cant imagine that, MINE HERS etc....

The fundie comment is goofy, reactionary gender card rot....dont need it, wont take it....it has zero to do with some get in the kitchen thing.

If the husband's "dream" benefited the family financially, ESPECIALLY if it got you were you CAN study and not panic over money....well, its simply not very mature to throw it up at him.

Look, obviously you are somewhere else, other than where I am, so I have no advice that would work. Unless you are in witness protection your reason for not telling your field must be that it would invite questions...and thats OK...your choice.

Here maybe is advice that will go down well


you go girl, dont let that man or any man hold you back from those dreams now....

Do you think your own experience is influencing the way you view this really rather benign situation? I did move for his benefit and I don't know why it is so hard to believe that someone could move purely for benefit of another. People do it all the time. It has never been thrown up at him. The 'less personal income' simply refers to my own contribution financially. We are a team. There is no 'yours and mine' in our marriage.

Where do you get the impression I think my husband is holding me back from my dreams? I have never said he is holding me back. He is supportive - and I have said that. If anyone is holding me back, it is having the children and the way I choose to raise them. If I was prepared to have them in care I could do whatever I want but that is not a choice as far as we're concerned. Obviously you have no experience being a primary caregiver and trying to juggle other family needs (and fit your own things in around that where you can) with the restrictions that imposes. I will not compromise on the being there for the children so that leaves me where I am now - deciding how and if I can balance study with some work. My husband doesn't require me to contribute financially at this point. I can just see it would be helpful so I want to contribute but that throws up some dilemmas and decisions for me.

I do not need to disclose my field as this is a public forum and it's not relevant to the decision I have to make.

At this point I am thinking I will decline this job and find one with half the hours. We simply do not need that amount of money extra and I have enough skills to be able to get something while I study - after which I can work those hours. I probably shouldn't have considered this job at this point then there would have been no dilemma. (A dilemma created by me personally, not my husband).

 

[Created2Write]

Honestly, I've read this whole thread and from the very first post you sounded as though you'd already made up your mind, and just wanted strangers to reaffirm your decision.

 

[trustnotstress]

Honestly, I've read this whole thread and from the very first post you sounded as though you'd already made up your mind, and just wanted strangers to reaffirm your decision.

Actually I was hoping for some discussion on the ins and outs of this situation. Obviously, in this day and age, few people understand what it is like to resolve a lot of conflicting demands for a woman in a traditional caregiving role. I could just join the mainstream and put my children in care and avoid any issues but that isn't what we want for them. Women matter too you know. In my job I spend a lot of time affirming women as mothers and the value of their role. Clearly it's important someone does that.

 

[citizenthom]

I'm still lost on this "I moved for him" thing. Was his new job not materially better for the family too?

I kind of agree with the above poster: you haven't exactly given us enough information to "discuss.the ins and outs."

 

[trustnotstress]

I'm still lost on this "I moved for him" thing. Was his new job not materially better for the family too?

I kind of agree with the above poster: you haven't exactly given us enough information to "discuss.the ins and outs."

He actually earns less in our new location where the cost of living is higher, and we lost my income, BUT that is not a problem. It's still a good income. We moved for reasons relating to his health. Hence I left my job reasoning there are other jobs but only have one husband. To move I also changed the specialty I was planning to go into (which reduces my employability to a more narrow field but that is fine) left my friends, family - so yes, I have given up everything to make this move for him but I do not mind because the reasons for doing so were sound and I accepted the changes that came with it. What I have not given up is the most important thing and that is him. If I had to make the same choice again I would still make it for the same reasons. I see it as a sideways move for me and life is full of change, this is just another, no big deal. But it has brought about big changes that probably add to my internal conflict when re-establishing a family in a new location. Other than changing my specialty, the idea I moved with was that I could continue doing what I was doing, just in a different location.

What information do you need? Studying for a year significantly increases my earning power and employability and I have waited 15 years for 'my turn'. During that 15 years I have given everything to my family. Is it so wrong that I want to have my one year now?

What gave rise to the question is my own internal conflict regarding whether what I want to do is still the right choice. Somewhere along the line someone assumed my husband was putting the pressure on which is incorrect. I am seeking to resolve this conflict but this is clearly not the place to do it. That's fine. I will do what I need to do. The ideal person to resolve this with is my husband but he's not very helpful in discussing this and will just tell me to do what I want because he feels I am owed this year. It is me questioning if that is still the right thing for the family, not him.

It is me, personally, who can see that it would be beneficial if there were a little extra cashflow. The problems to resolve are:
1/ How do I do that and meet the family needs at the same time?
2/ For the sake of a year is it worth giving up the study?
3/ Can I study and work at the same time? I've done it before but the question now is over one specific job that is more hours than I can do while I study.

In this, my family is not going to go bankrupt. Everyone has food, clothes, housing, you name it. They want for nothing. Right now working would be just for some extra buffer funds.

I don't know what other information you could possibly need than this and unless someone has something constructive to offer, I think I might have come to the wrong place as A LOT of assumptions have been made about my husband, me and my relationship that aren't accurate.

At this point, I think I should study and decline the job on the table and look for one with less hours. Everyone happy. I'm not sure someone who hasn't experienced these conflicts is able to relate to how hard it can be to resolve. Especially feeling a bit 'lost' in the new location doesn't help having no family, friends, job, etc.

 

[Niffer]

I've read all your posts, and all I can think of is how lucky you are!
I know you realize this, and have said how much you love being a wife/mother.

My husband is just about to go back to school. He's a tradesman, but with the economic downturn, and the area we live in, his skill is hardly paid what its worth, and including health risks - is happy to be retraining.
This means that I'm working right up to my MAT leave (a 'surprise' pregnancy btw) with him working his butt off all summer at a low income job so that we can afford schooling (we're debt free and want to keep it that way) and even then he'll have to be in school full-time w/ part-time job to keep us comfrtably afloat.

My plan was to finish my diploma (which I did) help him finish his apprenticeship (which I did) then go back to school to specialize. (I'm a librarian btw)
BUT! Remi got laid off, since being married in '08 we've never lived in an apartment longer then 12 months. Have moved across the country for work, now pregnancy...
My point is darlin', plans change.

We decided early on that Remi was going to be the bread-winner for our family. Therefore I work to support that, and in turn, he works hard to support me and our family.
Are my dreams on a shelf?? To an extent, yes.
But my dreams are changing too. It sounds like you're both blessed with good jobs, a house and children.
It's too bad you find youself discontent with that.

Peace,
- Niffer