Wives
- Thread starter A Taffer
- Start date
Oh dear. I read another page or two in.
It is indeed very sad that he falls into the trap that many fall into, the false assumption that not telling your spouse is in some way a heroic event. Please. It is in no way heroic to keep it secret ...... oh heck, he said it better that I could,
"I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.
It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.
It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth. It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed. "
Please pass this information along, thanks.
It is indeed very sad that he falls into the trap that many fall into, the false assumption that not telling your spouse is in some way a heroic event. Please. It is in no way heroic to keep it secret ...... oh heck, he said it better that I could,
"I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.
It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.
It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth. It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed. "
Please pass this information along, thanks.
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Leanna said:
I don't see where anyone told him that he would be a hero for not telling his wife, or that keeping it a secret would be "heroic".
There is no question that what he did was WRONG! He came to CF to get some advice from some nice Christian people and I believe he got that advice.
I still don't see how telling his wife and ripping her heart out is going to do anything positive, not to mention his kids, and the husband and kids of the woman who he cheated with. Jesus DIED on the cross for our sins, we don't own any of it, we give it all to him. This man has confessed his SINS to GOD and given it to GOD. I believe it should be left with GOD.
Im not saying what he did was right however, I am in NO WAY saying that.
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My two cents: Be as up front and honest as you can possibly be. A marriage covenant is about fidelity, trust, and love. I didn't stand up at the altar with my husband so that he could tell me, "I commit myself to you only, but if I mess up, I'll keep it to myself and God so that you don't get hurt." Come on. Why make the covenant in the first place? To hold each other accountable for it. It would be more devastating for me to find out later by accident that my husband had an affair and lied about it for years, than to find out immediately from him so that we could at least have a shot at working things out.
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luneyr said:
Uhhhhh.... did you even read my post?
Please tell me where it says that this has anything to do with the forgiveness of sins.
I didn't say he wasn't forgiven, I believe that "honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy." It sure seems that is being prevented, wouldn't you say?
Also it should be noted that it is not the revelation of his secret sin that causes his wife pain, it is the fact that he chose to have an affair. It is not him revealing the truth that hurts, but the truth itself. Perhaps she has been wondering for some time now, "what is wrong with me? why doesn't he love me? What is going on with my marriage?"The revelation of his secret sin and struggles will cast light on what is going on and provide an opportunity for true healing. Does she not deserve such a right? There is no true healing where the wound itself remains in darkness. Bring it to the light and let God do the work. As Proverbs 10:9 says, "The man of integrity walks securely, but he who takes crooked paths will be found out." It sure would be sad if she finds out some other way.
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I don't know how I would react if my husband ever cheated. I don't think that anyone can know till they go though it.
Right now, IMO, I wouldn't stay. We don't (can't) have children, so there isn't that issue. I know that I could never again be intimate with my husband, so that in it's self wwould end a big part of the marriage. I would try and forgive, but you can never forget.
Maybe I would feel different after it happened, but I am thankful it never has!
Right now, IMO, I wouldn't stay. We don't (can't) have children, so there isn't that issue. I know that I could never again be intimate with my husband, so that in it's self wwould end a big part of the marriage. I would try and forgive, but you can never forget.
Maybe I would feel different after it happened, but I am thankful it never has!
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Leanna said:Uhhhhh.... did you even read my post?
Please tell me where it says that this has anything to do with the forgiveness of sins.
I didn't say he wasn't forgiven, I believe that "honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy." It sure seems that is being prevented, wouldn't you say?
Also it should be noted that it is not the revelation of his secret sin that causes his wife pain, it is the fact that he chose to have an affair. It is not him revealing the truth that hurts, but the truth itself. Perhaps she has been wondering for some time now, "what is wrong with me? why doesn't he love me? What is going on with my marriage?"The revelation of his secret sin and struggles will cast light on what is going on and provide an opportunity for true healing. Does she not deserve such a right? There is no true healing where the wound itself remains in darkness. Bring it to the light and let God do the work. As Proverbs 10:9 says, "The man of integrity walks securely, but he who takes crooked paths will be found out." It sure would be sad if she finds out some other way.
Im not going to argue with you, just like I didnt argue with anyone on the mens forum.
You believe its best for him to tell his wife, I dont.
If he does go with your advice his life will likely be ruined, aswell as his wifes life and their kids, and also the the woman he cheated withs life, and her husband and kids lives aswell.
I think for the sake of all these peoples lives you can give it to GOD and move on. It's ridiculous to say that that you can't have "emotional closeness and intimacy" anymore.
Anyways in done with this topic, I have my view and you have yours and that will never change.
God Bless
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Mary_Magdalene
AKA..Godschosengirl
I guess im the odd ball here. I would not want to know--as long as it was a one time thing and he repented.
if it was an ongoing thing, or a sin that he struggles with, obviously that is different.
if it was an ongoing thing, or a sin that he struggles with, obviously that is different.
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JulySheMustFly
Legend
I would leave. Forgiveness would take a very long time. I wouldn't be emotionally able to look at him everyday until I got to that point where I could forgive.
My husband knows where I stand on infidelity.
My husband knows where I stand on infidelity.
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luneyr said:
I have to say I think it is funny that you say you will not argue and yet both of your posts were quite arguementative.
It is not the revelation of the truth that would cause his life pain it is the choices he made in the past. Sin has consequences, its just a fact.
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Leanna said:I have to say I think it is funny that you say you will not argue and yet both of your posts were quite arguementative.
It is not the revelation of the truth that would cause his life pain it is the choices he made in the past. Sin has consequences, its just a fact.
Yeah I guess I did argue with you a little ....My bad ....Couldnt help it
God Bless
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