Without hope.

I thank everyone for the support and comments, you are all very nice people and am putting thought into things I havnt in a while. After so many years, what feels like 70 of them, Ive finally started looking at outside help. I realized one day that I wanted to go to hell more than I wanted to go to heaven, because I didnt want to face her and tell her that ive wasted the last 8 years of my life, failed at everything I tried to do, changed from a man with a bright future with her into what I am now, a bitter person full of regrets. I promised her I would protect her and be there for the rest of my life, yet I wasn't there for her in the final hours before she passed away on the operating table. I've tried to find closure, but the only real closure is death.

I still see a hope somewhere but I cant get past my own barriers to get to it. So im now looking for real psychiatric help on it. I fit into a small group of people that anti-depressants work for, but I morbidly hate that 'artificial happiness' feeling they give. It feels as real as a aluminum car frame. I dont think its fair to pester you people with this any further, I think ive gone far beyond help that any forums can give. I dont say this out of self-guilt, I just feel that Im in with a crowd of people that have found that ultimate path, have Jesus for them. Im not one of those. Its like running into a room full of happy people professing 'im unhappy! help me!'. I can't do that and keep a clear conscious.

Regardless thanks for the kind words from such good people.