wish ithers could see

[musiclady]

I am new to the site, but i am really struggling now. i went 3 years withou si, went to hospital in New orleans and helped a lot. i am married to a great guy, have 3 wonderful kids. it isnt about the abuse i suffered anymore. the si is about the horrible loneliness i feel..... the kind where you sit in a room with others and feel no connection. not with family, not with friends, no one. my husband recently found out that i was cutting again, our relationship has gone way down. we hardly even touch, much less kiss or get intimate. i am in a Bible study that i tried to give up last week, just cause i dont get all the stuff, and i feel no presence from God at all, not in so long. i am so lonely and hurting, and i dont know why. i cant put a finger on it. but all i want to do is cut myself so bad that i cant stop, and go up to anyone and say, look, oh God, look what i did, can you help me. i just dont know what to do anymore.

Dona

 

[Renwolf]

Hey, congrats on your 3 years. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but that's a huge accomplishment.

My thoughts, feel free to take or leave:

Don't give up the Bible study. Don't worry about understanding what they're trying to teach. Just be there. The connection to God will come, and being around other people, even if you don't feel a connection, is a very good thing. Resist the temptation to isolate yourself. This is something that I struggle with, too, so I really understand where you're coming from.

Talk to your husband. Find out how he feels about your self injury. Is he disgusted, frustrated, angry, sad, worried? Try to respond to his answers or at least acknowledge to him that you are aware of how your disorder effects him. Print out factual information about self injury. That might help him to understand that self injury can be scary, but it's a real medical disorder that a lot of people are struggling with. http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html is an excellent resource.

Physical touch is hugely important, psychologically speaking. Try to get to a point where you and hubby are comfortable with small, simple forms of physical contact, even if it's just holding hands.

Is therapy or some sort of counciling an option? Either together as a couple, or separate, or even just for you. Issues of past abuse, husband and kids, loneliness, self injury - It sounds like you have a lot going on right now, and having someone to talk to in real life would probably be a huge help.