So I've got issues to say the least. Gender dysphoria and a sexuality God does not agree with. The gender dysphoria I can wrap my head around and surrender to God. It's a day-to-day struggle and I do suffer/cope with disassociation a lot of times. I have a male gender identity but a biological female body. I am also attracted to men and my sexuality is essentially that of a gay man.
TW (a bit of in depth sexuality stuff that includes BDSM) There's bit and peices of my sexuality I can understand and give in (most the stuff that involves how a gay man would sexually interact, I can try my best to use my female body in marriage if that's what God has planned for me). However, I am also a sadomasochist (both are not too hard to chose to give up, especially since I dislike the masochism part) and a switch (possibly dom-leaning, it's what I'm used to although disassociation has interfered with my knowledge of any possibly preferences). Being a dom or sub also inferferes with my personality as well. How I interact with others is affected and I become more of a leader depending on which "mood" I am in. However, these moods last for a very long while (last sub mood lasted for two years and I have now just switched back, although I believe the length of it was due to me avoiding it). Now that you understand it a bit more about it, here's the problem.
God does not like what I have always considered a significant part of my personality and have taken pride in for a long time. My dominant stuff does include sexuality but also my place in a relationship. I want to protect my guy, pick him up, wrap my jacket around him. Women is a helper however. I just wish there was a way for God to be ok with this. I wish his design hadn't been so black and white when it comes to how you need to feel and act. It's beautiful but why did it have to be that way? I get that some of my desires likely come from my gender identity being screwy but even then, why can't some women just bench press a dude and God be alright with that?
There was a period in my life where I had very little sexuality (it made me uncomfortable and disassociation essentially made me functionally ace with very little romantic attraction). I came to God during this period as well. I found it so fulfilling to not have to worry about sexuality nor experience all of that. It was so nice to just be able to exist as a person without all of my complicated personality and sexuality stuff. Also it was just super nice to just not have to think of relationships or have those desires take up stuff in my head. I'm an introvert so it was just something else.
As for my problem, I don't really know what I'm going to do. I wish I was entirely separate from what is expected of a women in marriage just by not having those desires (aka being aro/ace). Of course I also just like having none of those desires as well even if some of them do feel like a large part of me.
TW (a bit of in depth sexuality stuff that includes BDSM) There's bit and peices of my sexuality I can understand and give in (most the stuff that involves how a gay man would sexually interact, I can try my best to use my female body in marriage if that's what God has planned for me). However, I am also a sadomasochist (both are not too hard to chose to give up, especially since I dislike the masochism part) and a switch (possibly dom-leaning, it's what I'm used to although disassociation has interfered with my knowledge of any possibly preferences). Being a dom or sub also inferferes with my personality as well. How I interact with others is affected and I become more of a leader depending on which "mood" I am in. However, these moods last for a very long while (last sub mood lasted for two years and I have now just switched back, although I believe the length of it was due to me avoiding it). Now that you understand it a bit more about it, here's the problem.
God does not like what I have always considered a significant part of my personality and have taken pride in for a long time. My dominant stuff does include sexuality but also my place in a relationship. I want to protect my guy, pick him up, wrap my jacket around him. Women is a helper however. I just wish there was a way for God to be ok with this. I wish his design hadn't been so black and white when it comes to how you need to feel and act. It's beautiful but why did it have to be that way? I get that some of my desires likely come from my gender identity being screwy but even then, why can't some women just bench press a dude and God be alright with that?
There was a period in my life where I had very little sexuality (it made me uncomfortable and disassociation essentially made me functionally ace with very little romantic attraction). I came to God during this period as well. I found it so fulfilling to not have to worry about sexuality nor experience all of that. It was so nice to just be able to exist as a person without all of my complicated personality and sexuality stuff. Also it was just super nice to just not have to think of relationships or have those desires take up stuff in my head. I'm an introvert so it was just something else.
As for my problem, I don't really know what I'm going to do. I wish I was entirely separate from what is expected of a women in marriage just by not having those desires (aka being aro/ace). Of course I also just like having none of those desires as well even if some of them do feel like a large part of me.
