Will I ever live up to who I am called to be?

[DoseOFReality]

Hi friends. Greetings in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Our only hope and savior.

Today, I'm not sure where I am supposed to post this so I decided to do so in deeper fellowship. I am very saddened by the fact that my grandmother will be leaving in just two days and I'm afraid I may never see her again for she is going away to a different country, back home.
Perhaps I have matured, but while she was here, I never realized how much she has contributed to this family that was breaking apart. She was sent by God to mend the family and Ive been thinking so selfishly. Ive treated her as if she was only annoying and now I am deeply humbled by her grace.

But there are other questions in life thats been drawing me to God. The fact that no matter what I say or how strong I pray to be, I will forever be in need and I will forever let God down. Isn't our life such a mirror of israelites? Full of sins and repentance, Grace and punishment, loving God and betraying God, I am forever humbled by his grace. Friends Ive come so far in knowing who God is and who I am, but theres one thing that hasn't changed, and that is God alone. I dont know why I feel so saddened, but I guess mostly because my grandma's leaving saddens me alot. She is the only one that shows love and affection for me. I never got along with my parents. My parents are church goers who are filled with sin and bitterness, which I did not do well to handle. But they too are human beings, sinful by nature, and they too are in need of grace...

Who am I going to be is my biggest concern. I am a failure by worldly definition. Failure in school, relationships, family and work. I have absolutely no control of the things which we value the most. Perhaps God has brought me to this place to make me realize that it is only him that is able.
But what I am and what I have become, I am not a victim. I am a fighter. I was a pansy and a coward, but I have found something to fight for, and that is truth. No matter what is going on in my life, whether I will succeed in life or not, I will choose death before I give up on God. Ive never had such courage after God. The man he has made me today compared to who I was years ago.

Right now is the most sensitive time in my life because I am really beginning to feel that God is going to change me and deliver me for the rest of my life. Deliverance from depression, disappointment, pornography, masturbation, hate, lies, cowardness. (if there's such word)

I am going to believe God. Because I know that he has something for me. Im not just a slave working in a master's house, but he has something for me. As David said, "I want to find out what God has for me." Its time to get selfish with the godly things stored up for me.

Is anyone else feeling the same way?

 

[Endure2]

absolutely,
the more i grow and see images of what im supposed to be, part of me begins to feel so empty and viod..... and i feel this deep undescribable longing to be more, to be something more....

its all found in him, in his word and in his presence.

and there will be times that you dont feel this great courage and passion to be what God calls you to be, im just being real, you want always feel it...
but going to the place of prayer anyway and reading the word of God anyway, is the key.

but stay close to God, get in his word, get the truth in your spirit and learn to hear his vioce in your spirit, and stay true to it all obey it, and it wont happen tommorow or next week, but one day youll have what you long for.

and you wont always obey him, and you want always stay true to what you know he expects of you, but youll go back to in tears asking him to forgive you and get to work again...

but the key,
learn what God expects of you and learn to here the vioce of God in your spirit, and stay true to him, if youll stay faithful youll accomplish all God has for you.

thats just the hardest thing to do,
i dont know why but it is, but to stay faithful on a consistent basis... few people will, and thats why few people have the things you named as what God has for you. as you begin to doit yourself, youll know why so few doit...
it isnt becuase God isnt handing it out. it literally takes what you want and what you think and who you are destroys it all, so God can rebuild you in way he can use.
it will get hard on you, and it will bring you to tears, but stay faithful through it all and hell reward you.

BUT AMEN! GO AFTER ALL GOD HAS FOR YOU! THERE IS MORE AND I WANT IT TOO! AMEN! ONWARD TO SEE THE GLORY OF GOD!
learn to live in secret place, youll grow into a tree that always bears its fruit and whos leaf never withers... but those kind of trees only grow one place, and that is deep in the secret place alone with God.

 

[Endure2]

my God... thats it.
thats why we have to go through the pain and suffering of obeying God and staying faithful to him.... becuase its tearing who we are down, so he can rebuild us.
everyone wants to get to the end product and shout for glory and dance and have the power and wisdom.
but no one wants to walk through the valley of the shadow of death where our flesh really does die becuase of what we take it through.... to get there.


My God.... josheph was in prison for years! he was lied on hated and cast away and was imprisoned for years... but he stayed faithful for years without seeing anything in return but anger hatred and violence to himself.... and becuase he Did God made him second to pharaoh in the Land.