Will I Escape the ED Pull?!!!!!!

[Daysoni]

I sit here and wonder will the ED life always have some kind of a hold on my life? I go form underweight to over weight to under weight. Back and fourth back and fourth. Fighting to stay symptom free and to stay away from the urges it's like peeling away your skin away. I know that sounds awful but it's how I feel. I have every intention of eating healthy and exercising slowly. But it takes so much time to do it the right way. And once you start to see some change if it doesn't come fast that makes it hard to stay symptom free. I hope that I can do it. All though I don't fully stay out of it I don't want to fully fall back into it. Does anyone else feel like it's always going to have a pull on them? And has anyone ever fully become free of it? With out any thought of it at all?

 

[Soulwings]

I don't think that anyone has ever become free of a true eating disorder without struggling and fighting it to some extent. Some people have it easier than others, I know this. But I think that everyone struggles with recovery... so don't feel alone, sweetie. *snuggles*

And I can understand (and agree with) your statement about not wanting to stay out of it completely, nor fall back into it. I miss the way that things were "before," and while I know that I can't return to that point, I'd much rather stay with my occasional restricting and fluid reduction, than try and fight and make things "easier" for me. I guess it's because I really don't know what recovery is like. I think the fullest recovery that can be expected is always going to be one with the aftereffects of your ED - difficulty with the thoughts, eating out, etc. But you'll be strong enough to resist the thoughts once you are more recovered, so in that capacity, things will be better. So I do think that it's always going to have a pull on me... it's been 9 months since I started treatment... and things are still so difficult. And I do slip back into my ED without thinking. It's so easy to forget to eat.

The weight thing - I'm supposed to be losing weight since I put on quite a bit of fat weight after I tried to get back into the eating habit a year and a half ago. But it is going so slowly - which is healthy, because it means that it will stay off, hopefully - but it makes me so impatient!! And that's when I wish that I could return to the fullblown ED days, when I could let myself strip off the pounds much faster.

I wish I could help more, beautiful. But I want you to know that I'm here, and I do understand. It's amazing how much we all here think alike.

 

[MyaShane]

I'm sorry to say that I don't think so either Daysoni.

What we strive for instead is attaining that delicate balance between gaining some control of it without it truly going away for good. I know it's hard, I know it's very overwhelming, but I also know that you can get some kind of hold on it. And it does take time. I know I face it every day, but I also don't know if I could ever give it up completely either. I depend on it sometimes. I guess that's the pull you're talking about. But I don't feel "ruled" by it at all. After all this time, I understand it and I understand myself better now to know how to keep it in check as best I can. You can get there, you all can!!

 

[Daysoni]

Yep it's kind of what I figured it's just that I to put some w[no numbers in this forum] on to under the watch of my counselors and doctors and now that I'm not seeing any of them it's so hard to take it off the right way. I have fallen into some of the ED ways. The pull to fully go into it are jsut so strong. I can feel it in my joints. Do any of you ever feel that way? Man Lord take this away from me........... Please....

 

[MyaShane]

Hi Daysoni

You’re right it’s very hard to know how to diet in a healthy way when you’ve struggled with an ED; and harder still when you’re going it al[no numbers in this forum].
Do you have something/some[no numbers in this forum] to keep focused on as your motivation to keep healthy?
I guess my example is my girls. Knowing that I’m responsible for raising [no numbers in this forum] girls in a society that worships the super thin and struggling with an ED myself has really helped to keep me on track.

 

[LovesEnduringPromise]

I struggle in this area too. Hi Im new here, names Sabrina. Im ##. I was anorexic/bulimic for four years...started when I was ## ended at ##. Well the severity ended..but I still have some of the same qualities I did when I was anorexic. I still worry at times when I eat Ill gain weight, I still look in the mirror and cry or pick out fat spots on my body. Its so hard to come out of this, Im eating better..my husband and God has helped me through...but I can read the bible and go to church and pray and pray and pray and get advice...but nothing seems to shake my eating disordered mind. Im thin, but at times I feel soooooo FAT. Sometimes I feel selfish for feeling this way b/c so many ppl out there starve and they would love to eat and I have the oppurtunity and I dont...and I know God wants me to take care of my body..but it doesnt stop the thoughts. Its like Im in prision with this issue...im held captive. I can talk myself out of it and know its silly..but # minutes later I hate my body again. It never ends!

 

[inHisgripkim]

I'm sorry to say that I don't think so either Daysoni.

What we strive for instead is attaining that delicate balance between gaining some control of it without it truly going away for good. I know it's hard, I know it's very overwhelming, but I also know that you can get some kind of hold on it. And it does take time. I know I face it every day, but I also don't know if I could ever give it up completely either. I depend on it sometimes. I guess that's the pull you're talking about. But I don't feel "ruled" by it at all. After all this time, I understand it and I understand myself better now to know how to keep it in check as best I can. You can get there, you all can!!

I agree with Myashane. The pull is always in the bac#round, but having worked recovery for a long time, I've learned to live with the urge and, to some extent, ignore it. We know what the pull is and we understand it, and there is some element of peace in understanding. If you talk to someone who quit smoking for years, they will tell you they still get the urge. Through recovery, we have practice in setting the urge aside and moving on without looking back. Granted, we may tumble once in awhile, and through recovery work, we also understand relapse. Relapse, overtime, become less intense and becomes less frequent. The pull is always with me, but I try not to pay no mind to it.

 

[MyaShane]

Welcome Sabrina! I don't think I've welcomed you yet (or if I already did - welcome again!!) It's good to have you here.

 

[LovesEnduringPromise]

Thanks Myashane!! I feel welcomed ;-)

 

[goldenviolet]

I sit here and wonder will the ED life always have some kind of a hold on my life? I go form underweight to over weight to under weight. Back and fourth back and fourth. Fighting to stay symptom free and to stay away from the urges it's like peeling away your skin away. I know that sounds awful but it's how I feel. I have every intention of eating healthy and exercising slowly. But it takes so much time to do it the right way. And once you start to see some change if it doesn't come fast that makes it hard to stay symptom free. I hope that I can do it. All though I don't fully stay out of it I don't want to fully fall back into it. Does anyone else feel like it's always going to have a pull on them? And has anyone ever fully become free of it? With out any thought of it at all?

sweetie,wow! do i relate. my wieght goes up and down. ofcourse my idea of overweight makes people laugh. i just started saving my different sizes of clothes. i excepted it. i struggle with my food and excersizing habits.

in therephy: i learned EDs are considered a disease. my body reacts differently to food. personally, i think it will just give me one more piece of daily accountability with Jesus. one day at a time.

i really appreciate therephy. i go when i'm struggling. i go when i'm not. i go to learn. i just go and fellowship. it's awesome to be around people who share ED. our weaknesses make us close. our determinations make us stronger. we learn to control our food obsessions one day at a time.

~ be encouraged. it maybe a struggle; but it doesn't have to be a prison.

love your dee

 

[Daysoni]

sweetie,wow! do i relate. my wieght goes up and down. ofcourse my idea of overweight makes people laugh. i just started saving my different sizes of clothes. i excepted it. i struggle with my food and excersizing habits.

in therephy: i learned EDs are considered a disease. my body reacts differently to food. personally, i think it will just give me one more piece of daily accountability with Jesus. one day at a time.

i really appreciate therephy. i go when i'm struggling. i go when i'm not. i go to learn. i just go and fellowship. it's awesome to be around people who share ED. our weaknesses make us close. our determinations make us stronger. we learn to control our food obsessions one day at a time.

~ be encouraged. it maybe a struggle; but it doesn't have to be a prison.

love your dee

Dee, I do love you. you have been a great sister in the Lord to me and I love any and all of your encouragements. Thank you for your post...