Wild Weekend

[tallyn75]

I spent the weekend moderately manic. In hindsight I suspect some of last week may have been spent hypomanic. The triggers? My parents are back in town (They're professional RV'ers), my birthday was Friday, and went to a NIN concert (spent nearly the whole time drooling over Trent Reznor). I was able to sleep last night and it seems to be letting me down gently this time. I'm still a little up, I think. But it looks like I may need an increase in my lithium soon. I think I'm due for a lithium level anyways. My husband was complimenting me for how well I was keeping everything in check. I'm thinking, he has no idea all the stuff that's been flying through my thoughts.

Something I was thinking about earlier. When I read other people's accounts of their episodes, I can feel the beast rumbling far beneath the surface (even when I'm level).

 

[michaeldh92647]

Nothing wrong with having a good time. Just keep it in check with your meds!

 

[FragileWinter]

I agree with the guy above me. There's nothing wrong with being happy or a little manic as long as it isn't so sever that you're being reckless, dangerous, etc. I do hope you're ok though.

If you're worried, is there someone in your real life you can trust and talk to? Sometimes just having the assurance that someone's there to watch over you is enough to calm the worry. Also, praying the worry will go away is good.

I hope my post helps. Sending hugs and prayers.

 

[madison1101]

Are you in psychotherapy? That is where I discuss my behaviors and learn what is appropriate behavior and what is symptomatic of my disorders.

Speak to your psychiatrist to discuss if therapy is appropriate, unless you are already in therapy. If you are in therapy, discuss your concerns there.

Good luck,
Trish

 

[tallyn75]

*shrug* I was just giving an update.

Yes, it's okay to be a little manic, I suppose, but the problem is as mania progresses, your insight goes out the window. So you no longer think there's anything wrong with you. Better to catch mania in it's infancy and get a med increase/change than to wait too long and end up inpatient or worse.

That said, it matters little now, my mania has resolved and then some.

I know what behaviors are appropriate and which are not. Whether I *want* to be appropriate, now there's the rub. And if I'm manic enough, it doesn't matter what kind of education I've had on my illness. In fact I'd act out of spite.

I dunno, I guess I shouldn't have posted here.

 

[FragileWinter]

I'm glad it is resolved. I wasn't stating to completely forget about it. I was trying to say make sure you have someone there for you if your reasoning starts to fail. I apologize if my advice was insufficient or harmful to you.

Please do not worry about posting here. From all of my experience, it's a very positive and supportive part of the forum. Really it is....I'm really sorry.

 

[DoubtingThomas29]

Sometimes I tell myself there is nothing wrong with me and I believe it! There ain't a damn thing wrong with me! I just tell myself that and believe it. Keep your illness in check with proper psychiatric care, and then this statemtnt of nothing being wrong with you, becomes pretty believable. There is a difference between havig a disease and being sick!

 

[tallyn75]

Don't worry about it. It's just me. My mood was falling faster than I was aware--prolly took things the wrong way. *sigh*

Man, this stupid illness sucks! (understatement of my life) It messes with everything. I've done everything I know to maintain the 1 1/2 stability I had, and what? It all goes spinning out of control in the space of a week. All my efforts, in vain. I can feel the pull of the black hole. I feel the will to care, to fight beginning to slip from my fingers.



I'm sorry.... I dunno, surely there's cause, but my mind's molasses. I'd better get on to bed. If this stubborn song would get out of my head, perhaps I can sleep:

And this is not my face
And this is not my life
And there is not a single thing here
I can recognize
This is all a dream
And none of you are real
I'll give anything
I'll give anything
(NIN, Head Down)

 

[DoubtingThomas29]

I can remember when ther doctors let me out of the hospital, they just had me on risperdol because they just thought I had schizophrenia, but I had schizoaffective disorder they just didn't know it, manI wasn't on Depakote, and I felt crazy, I'll never forgot how unstablemy mood felt, I could start crying on the drop of a hat. I am pretty stable too though!

 

[Alive again]

Dear Tallyn, Hugs, all your efforts were not in vain. I remember you! I have missed you around. Sometimes we all slip to easily into advice and forget to just give out hugs and support. I am praying for you! You do an amazing job be self aware and doing all you can to control your illness. This illness just every once and awhile will kick us hard despite all our efforts. But it is all our hard work and efforts that keep us stable during all those other times. Sometimes you cannot make saense out of a random illness, but when you can spot your triggers and be prepared as you have said, adjust meds, rest whatever works for you, then you are indeed soing all you can to cope with this unpredictable illness. Know we are praying for you! Letr us know how you are and take acre of yourself during thhis down turn. May you return to your level space quickly!

 

[madison1101]

My best friend always keeps me in prayer that I would always focus on Truth. Truth, for me, includes taking my meds properly, and doing my self-care. It also means avoiding things that could contribute to my acting out, like not taking my meds properly, or relapsing on alcohol.

This illness, along with other factors, can spin my thinking around faster than a tornado on a summer day. As a result, I have been known to act out on impulse and forget who I am in Christ, or my desire to glorify Him. That said, I find that if I keep in close contact with my doc, and therapist when I am vulnerable, my episodes are shorter and fewer and farther between. It sucks when I crash and burn, but I am able to bounce back faster than I used to.

I believe our purpose here, on this forum, is to encourage one another to care for ourselves and not beat up on ourselves, the way the Enemy would have us do, as this illness can kick us when we are down, and I often become my own worst enemy.

 

[tallyn75]

I believe our purpose here, on this forum, is to encourage one another to care for ourselves and not beat up on ourselves, the way the Enemy would have us do, as this illness can kick us when we are down, and I often become my own worst enemy.

So, how was I beating up on myself in this forum? Can I not share when I'm down? Are my feelings verboten in your book? Here's one: I feel like a child who fell down while running outside, and the father does nothing but say, you shouldn't have been running. And by the way, it's a symptom of the illness to feel helpless and hopeless. It's not something we choose to add to it.

 

[tallyn75]

Look, I get the vague feeling that I'm not seeing things as they are. Anything and everything is getting under my skin, and I'm too depressed to care anymore. So, anyways, I'm dropping the matter. I hope everyone has a good holiday.

 

[FragileWinter]

Look, I get the vague feeling that I'm not seeing things as they are. Anything and everything is getting under my skin, and I'm too depressed to care anymore. So, anyways, I'm dropping the matter. I hope everyone has a good holiday.

I hope you have a great holiday as well. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. If you need someone to talk to, you can pm me. I really hope you are feeling better. It's ok and I understand what you're feeling. I've been there before. Actually, I was there last week. It passes within a few days for me. I pray it passes fast for you too. Sending hugs and prayers.

 

[madison1101]

So, how was I beating up on myself in this forum? Can I not share when I'm down? Are my feelings verboten in your book? Here's one: I feel like a child who fell down while running outside, and the father does nothing but say, you shouldn't have been running. And by the way, it's a symptom of the illness to feel helpless and hopeless. It's not something we choose to add to it.

Hey there,
I am so sorry. You misunderstood my sharing here. I never said that you were beating yourself up. I never said your words were not allowed. We all fall down at times, and need help getting back up. That is why we are here, to help one another get back up when the Enemy kicks us down.

As far as feeling helpless and hopeless, that is a constant state of being in me most days. Unfortunately, my therapist never lets me sit and wallow in it. He forces me to look at the Truth of my life and see that I am an overcomer regardless of how I feel. Somedays I want to kick him where he lives, but I can't argue with the Truth of what he is saying.

Please take a look to reread my original post and see that you mistook my words for an attack, which it was not.

 

[tallyn75]

Hey there,
I am so sorry. You misunderstood my sharing here. I never said that you were beating yourself up. I never said your words were not allowed. We all fall down at times, and need help getting back up. That is why we are here, to help one another get back up when the Enemy kicks us down.

As far as feeling helpless and hopeless, that is a constant state of being in me most days. Unfortunately, my therapist never lets me sit and wallow in it. He forces me to look at the Truth of my life and see that I am an overcomer regardless of how I feel. Somedays I want to kick him where he lives, but I can't argue with the Truth of what he is saying.

Please take a look to reread my original post and see that you mistook my words for an attack, which it was not.

I will be sure to visit this thread again once I'm back to level. I can hardly think straight these days.

 

[DoubtingThomas29]

Hang in there!

 

[madison1101]

I will be sure to visit this thread again once I'm back to level. I can hardly think straight these days.

Hang in there. You are loved and by the Lord and people here. Be safe. I am praying for you.

Trish