Wife has ED

[Hispath]

I don't know why I never really thought to come here before this, but then my wife was in a better part of her ed cycle.

Now she is not.

A major struggle that I am having is that she is so open with her ed with me. To include her binges and/or restrictions and will take me along on them.

This bothers me, and I am at a loss as to what I can do to help. I understand that she has to want the help, but the fact that she is so open with me, is extremely difficult for me to deal with. I don't know whether I should tell her I do not want to know about them, then that shuts down our open communication. But for me to witness this level of self destruction is breaking my heart!

I think it is good that she is open, but I really need some ideas or thoughts on what I can do to help her, and some ways that I can deal with it better.

I know about the power of prayer and have held tight to that. She is on some prayer lists. Her heart and mind is not anywhere near wanting recovery.

Your thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated and needed!

Jim

 

[goldenviolet]

Jim, no matter what she says, go to an appointment with her. it's struggle that keeps us from getting help on our own. it's a crutch and a cumpulsion, and an overwelming temptation. it's in our thinking. you going with her is the biggest thing you can do.

 

[Music4Hym777]

I have a meeting that I have to get to, but I will reply via PM when I get back

 

[bumblebee62331]

It is hard to know which you would prefer - to be completely in the dark about a SO's eating disorder, or to know the whole facts. Neither of them are wonderful, neither of them make it any easier.

The fact that she is open with you means a great deal. It's almost an unwritten law in the world of ED's that you keep your struggles to yourself, or to others who are in the same boat and don't wish to recover. This must mean that she loves you very much, cares about you, and deep down, even if she's not doing too well at the moment, she wants recovery. She wants out. She wants somebody to know, even if its not clear to her why she is telling you about it, just yet. I tell my boyfriend everything. I can't hide from him anymore, I can't have a secret journal online where I am in an ED group and just strive to starve. And I don't know why, but deep down, although it annoys me that I don't have that "secrecy" anymore, I am way better off this way.

It must be difficult for you. Is there someone you can talk to? Your wife needs to see somebody to help her on the right path, to recovery, but you also need support and help. It is not selfish to ask for assistance in these matters because it is not easy on her, but it is also not easy on you. At times you may feel like throwing up your hands in despair and frustration but please please persevere with your wife. If I can tell you anything, it is that the words and actions of a loved one has a huge effect on the life and choices of a person struggling with an eating disorder.

There may be times where you must push her, or take her to appointments, or even be brutally honest with her, but these times will strengthen her and encourage her to recover. Take her to a counsellor and sit in. When she leaves, as hard as it will be, try to support her, but still be firm in helping her eat or control her eating. Talk to her for an hour after meals, play a game, or read the Bible together - there are many things that you can do to try to help her. I think it is wonderful that you care and want to support her. If you ever need encouraging words or just a hug, you know that there are many people here who know what you are going through and sympathise.

I hope I have helped a little. Sorry it's long.

I will pray for you.

 

[Hispath]

Thank you all!

I have always gone with her to an appointments she may have. But the one thing that I'm getting is that I'm not firm enough or maybe pushy enough when it comes to help. When I say "pushy" I absolutely mean with love and understand. All that I've read and have been told that this is such a private thing, and yes I know she keeps a private journal online. But a bulk of her ed is out in the open to me.

I've gone to my pastor on occassion, but he is also a relative on her side, so that is tough.

I have told her and stand by this, that if things ever got so bad in my opinion, that I would inpatient her.

Time to get ready for work.

Thanks again, I will not be far.

Brotherly Love,
Jim

 

[bumblebee62331]

But the one thing that I'm getting is that I'm not firm enough or maybe pushy enough when it comes to help. When I say "pushy" I absolutely mean with love and understand.

The sad thing is that this may be the only way to really help her. Lord, the arguments I have had with my poor boyfriend, the times he's had to physically restrain me from purging, the times he's forced food into my mouth with his own hands .... but I am stronger because of it, he has helped me so much. I still have a far way to go but believe me, with love and support from a SO she can acheive anything. It might take some time, but it is possible.

Blessings

 

[blessedmomof5]

I would like to add something.....about being pushy..my husband has thrown out my scale, made me get on in front of him, has gone behind my back and tried to speak with my therapist and my dr, and has even gotten to the point of IP program......

i resented and still do for that, and the more he pshes and pries the more i tend to starve myself. it is almost like here i will show you of an attitude, i know makes no sense at all, but thats what the ED does to you.....plus i also feel that he handled things in the wrong manner, there is that fine line with trying to help, but what i do encourage is talk to her, if she is not ready anything you say will not make her change that ...she needs to be ready. maybe that might take something enough to scare her, i am not sure, but i find with me the more you push or i feel betrayed i starve myself more........so now i have taken to sleeping on the couch and asking for a divorce.

i do not believe in tough love, i think the person needs to be ready, as for her telling you about her eating well i have no idea why she would do that? i would never, have you asked her why she does that?

sorry for the novel...

Denise

 

[Hispath]

I guess maybe pushy is not such a good word to use. I do fully understand that she needs to be ready, but maybe by presenting it more and putting it out there more, in a loving way, she may be willing to take that step.

She has been willing in the past, but the results were disastorous.(sp?)

I'm very sorry to hear about your relationship. Having been divorced 2 times before, it is a horrible thing to go through, on top of dealing with your ed.

Take Care,

Jim

 

[blessedmomof5]

Jim,

Now i Pray this comes out right, yes loving, but will she take it as loving?
see when my husband asks did u eat today, i hear oh so another day and u did not eat, or that is not enough to put weight on....thats what i hear even though he thinks he is doing it lovingly.....now you might do it diffrent, but i just thought maybe you would like to hear what we think you are saying. you wife sees a therapist? and a nutrionist? or none of the above?
i myself see a therapist 2xs a week, to work on other issues they are hoping will open up this can of worms to my ed. i go bc if i didn';t then dr and husband would put me in IP again....i am someone i suppose like youir wife that is not ready to get help the way others want....
Denise

 

[Hispath]

Hey Denise,

No worries about anything coming out right. She is a none of the above. She tried and op, but it went horribly.

We are very open about our feelings. A day or so ago was a horrible day and I pushed pretty hard to distract her. She wouldn't go for it, she was extremely focused. After a joint crying session on the floor, I asked her if I made things worse and she said no and I believe her.

The one thing that I've told her is that I don't want to add to the issues at hand.

I know that the time will come when she hits rock bottom and she will either make the decision to get help or I will have to take action. The later is something that she knows I will do if she does not, as it's come up in discussion.

I'm grateful for this board! It has brought relief and I thank you all!

Blessings on the house!

Take Care,
Jim

 

[blessedmomof5]

Jim,

you sound like a WONDERFUL husband, she is blessed to have you.....

 

[goldenviolet]

Thank you all!

I have always gone with her to an appointments she may have. But the one thing that I'm getting is that I'm not firm enough or maybe pushy enough when it comes to help. When I say "pushy" I absolutely mean with love and understand. All that I've read and have been told that this is such a private thing, and yes I know she keeps a private journal online. But a bulk of her ed is out in the open to me.

I've gone to my pastor on occassion, but he is also a relative on her side, so that is tough.

I have told her and stand by this, that if things ever got so bad in my opinion, that I would inpatient her.

Time to get ready for work.

Thanks again, I will not be far.

Brotherly Love,
Jim

good man to be concerned about your role in support.

(psssst hey everybody )

 

[Hispath]

Well, last night she fought the battle to binge and won! I was at work and we talked on the phone tell the urge subsided!

It is a wonderful accomplishment! Thank you for your prayers!

I had mentioned an online journel, which she told me about this morning. It is a private one and not open to a message board. Though she does visit a message board on occasion.

Thanks again to everyone for your thoughts and prayers!

Brother Jim

 

[blessedmomof5]

one big step forward.... ... now wanna talk to my husband? give some great advice?

 

[Hispath]

Well,

Day 2 was worse than day 1, but the battle was won!

She made a comment about making an appointment to see the dr. She's said this for sometime now, but hopefully she is beginning to realize she needs some help to get through this.

Thanks again all!

Through God's grace all things are possible!

Jim

 

[Music4Hym777]

Thats awesome that she is letting you be there with her through the struggle of the day and actually holding against the temptation

 

[Hispath]

Well, the last 24 hours seemed a bit better. I say seemed as I found some possible evidence, but not sure. Heather seems abit more up beat and positive. We think some of the problem may have been a touch of pms added to her depression and anxiety. I hoping and praying she calls the dr. for an appointment. She really needs to get her emotions to level out before things get to far out of control.

Thanks agaiin all for your thoughts and prayers! We appreciate you and them!

Jim

 

[Hispath]

Heather really has not been doing well. She is trying to restrict to an extremely low # calories and purges when she does eat something slightly substantial. She was very shaking and weak last night.
We had a long talk, she knows that she has a problem, doesn't see how severe it is, and is coming up with totally off the wall justifications for what is going on with her.
After our talk, I'm really wondering if it may be time to step in and take control. I'm very afraid of the ramifications of this action as it affects everything and everybody. I can see this being a step to her getting help, but creating a host of problems with her trust towards me, having her family involved, her work, etc.
Praying for wisdom to make the right decision, strength and courage to do what He says is right.

Love,

Jim

 

[blessedmomof5]

Jim,

Does she have a dr? can you take her to him/her? I will tell you that when my husband did that to me sort of, left me with no option, i despided him.....BUT.....if i were like she is again i would want him to step up, or who else would save me.......? gosh i hope that helps....do u know what she weighs? is there IP treatment near you? keep us posted and my prayers are with you both.......

 

[Hispath]

Her stomach has really been bothering her lately, so last night I really tried to get her to go under that pretense. She just made some excuses, stress, eating some chips to fast, etc. Though stress could be a legit reason.
She just left for work and broke 110. She left with a smile. I won't post her goal weight. She has been lighter than this, but her mental status seems abit different. Whether she is just digging for anything to justify or there are actual mental issues.
Oh, if I have to physically take her to the hospital, it will not be good in any way shape or form. She said last night she does not have control, where usually she says she does.
There is an IP program very near here, but it is also the place she had such a bad experience. I would want to take her to a different one. We are blessed with two in the area.
Sending her to a hospital I forsee would totally shut her down.

Thanks for the !

Jim