Why still single?

[karykay]

I have been thinking about this for a long time. Why am I still single?
I use to ask God if he would give me a partner, and this kept coming into my mind, " I am more than enough for you"
I am not one to out to parties or dances and I had hoped that I would bump into the man I would marry. In the shopping malls, at church or work. But it never happened.
Even when I ran my own business mixing with people, nothing.
Maybe God is enough, but here are things you cannot do with God, Talking to him-do not get a response, cannot share and do your hobbies together. No hugs or all the other emotions us humans suffer from.

I was told not to go out and look for a partner. If you are meant to have one it will happen. Now I am wondering if that was all wrong!

Now I would like to know how others feel about this? How do you cope?

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Well I am a widow, 8 years now....I was lucky to be married for almost 25 years. I still think about what would be if that never happened?

And even in my marriage, it was my husband's 3rd marriage, so it wasn't the kind where he saw me and knew that I was "the one". I loved him with all my heart and I know he loved me too, but whether he was "in love" with me I will never know this side of heaven.

I am now not sure if I am supposed to stay single or if I will get lucky in love again. I'm not really sure what God's plan for my life is, but MY plan...well I would like to have someone. I feel like I need someone. Someone to ground me and let me know everything will be alright. Someone to spend my time with and do things with, to live and love and laugh with. At this stage of the game, I'm not sure it will happen, and I don't spend alot of time dwelling on it because it makes me sad and I don't want to be sad.

I have always believed that God is capable of bringing someone into my life whenever He wanted to. If he needed to drop him from the sky literally, He could do that. Would He? probably not, but He COULD. I've also believed that usually we find someone when we aren't looking. Like when I gave up trying to find someone, that's when they showed up.
My pastor tells the singles to "Live, don't look" IOW don't make that your priority. I agree with it, but then when you speak about it, it makes me think maybe that's not right either.

We have been taught that if something is important to you, you will make time for it, so doesn't that also apply to relationships. And what you focus on alot of times becomes a reality in your life. Like if you focus on wanting a new car and you go look, usually you will eventually buy a new car. So wouldn't it seem that way in the relationship catagory too? If it's important we should go after it? I'm not sure anymore. I wish I COULD hear God's voice on this, but maybe if I am supposed to stay single and He told me that, I would not be happy or want to go along with it, so maybe that's why I don't have an answer from Him? IDK.

 

[karykay]

Memories I know I feel sad sometime as well. Sometimes I feel I need a man like Boaz to help me through this life. As you say, "someone to ground you"
I have read the verses that say, 'it is not good for a man to be alone' or ' two is better than one'
I to believe that God is capable of anything, He made the earth and us, and He keeps the earth going. Then he can give us a mate.
But then it's not what we want, but what God wants.
Saying that another verse comes to mind, where Jesus says 'ask and it will be given to you' and ' will God not give you your hearts desire'

Then I think about the Disciples many where single and they stayed that way, just having friends. Same with Paul all he had was friends.

Like you I have not heard from God, if He has spoken; I did not hear him?

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

yeah I'm kind of hard of hearing too when it comes to God. I just saw this article on Yahoo and thought it was appropriate. We cannot lose faith. I think for me, either I will eventually "know" and accept that I am to remain single if that is what God wants, otherwise I have to believe it's just not His timing yet.

Yahoo Shine - Women's Lifestyle | Healthy Living and Fashion Blogs

 

[dayhiker]

Hi Karykay,
We have had believers with different view on here. I'm of the view that if you want a husband go find one.
Your right as good as it is to be in a relationship with God its not the same have having a spouse or even of BF. If was want a friend do we go out and be friendly or do we wait for God to give us a friend. If we want a job do we look for a job or wait for God to find us a job? So I'm of the view that we go looking. By the time we are mature singles the Spirit of God has taught us some things about people and who we will get along with. So we aren't just going to pick anyone. So as we search we believe that the Spirit will lead us.

So I went looking for a new GF and its worked amazing well for me.

But real all the advice you get here and then do what you believe God would have you do.

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

I am older and never married which is a bit of a stigma in itself. My earlier years were spent with school, building a career, changes in work, building another career, helping take care of elderly parents. In college I was always working or studying - a few girlfriends but things ultimately didn't work out. I was pretty much burned out and dealing with a lot of things from around age 30 through 40. I never had any addictions or odd problems like that. Well, work was the one thing in my life that worked, so I filled the hours with that. I'm introverted but not really shy - no one will mistake me for Prince Charming who always says the right things. I try to be more outgoing but it has always been work for me.

 

[karykay]

memories that is a lovely love story.

dayhiker the way you think is similar to my cousin, he would also tell me to go out and look; because you are then showing God you are serious about what you want. And then he will help you.

Doctor Strangelove I too am an introvert, very much so. Plus I suffer a bit from social phobia. I do not know what to say to people and when I do talk to them they say a few words and then walk away. They do not even make an excuse or say bye. And being a sensitive person it hurts. So over the years I have built a wall around my heart to protect it. I must say I am much better now than when I was a teenager, but still struggle.
There is a lot more to my story but this is not the place to talk about it.

 

[guilty56]

For someone who is shy I am also long winded so this may be a little long. I have a couple of passages I try to keep in mind whenever I start thinking about being alone. This was Paul's view!

1 Corinthians 7:8
Now to the unmarried and widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am.

Paul was expressing his desire that more people would devote themselves completely to the ministry without the added concerns of spouse and family.

I have a sneaking suspicion(sp?) that God is waiting for the right time for me when I am able to focus on him and put him first if he does give me a spouse. I have noticed when in a relationship I find myself focused on my spouse and sometimes I neglect my relationship with God. I also know that I am fully capable and have in the past of putting my spouse before God, which then becomes an idol. If I am to be honest with myself I even think if I am equally yoked with a christian man I would still lose focus. I don't seem to be able to balance the two.

Being a single woman as much as I want to have a spouse, I can spend 24/7 with God. I am not caught up in the hustle and bustle of life. I have the freedom to read the bible whenever I want and not have to take an hour break or worry about getting in my prayer time with him.

I think when I am a strong enough christian to focus on him several hours a day, and always have him in my thoughts and mind he will then consider giving me the relationship but knowing all this I am comfortable where I am at. Don't get me wrong I am lonely for the physical and verbal contact but at this point in my life marriage it isn't right for me.

Another passage that refers to my feeling is 1 Corinthians 7:34
An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit.

So whenever my loneliness occurs I have to remind myself that I cannot find the balance and when I do he may or may not give me someone.

Its ok, this makes me content with my life the way it is! In a way it also lets me view this as a blessing instead of an unanswered prayer.

 

[miss-a]

It's very interesting timing for me that this thread would have been posted. So thanks for giving me the opportunity to think out loud or at least on the keyboard.

The concept of being alone has been a loaded one in my life, and usually loaded with a big heap of excrement laid on me by past wounds, the world, the flesh and the devil. But Jesus being One to not allow me to stay perched in a pile of poo, has been for a period of time now showing me the truth around it all. Of course I don't know every detail or all the why's and wherefore's, but He has called my attention to enough things so that I've gotten okay with it, even the injustices.

What I've learned is that, much as stated in other posts, for as long as I thought I needed a spouse, that very thing meant I wasn't ready to have one. Now that I don't think I need one I suspect there may be one in the future for me, but I also think it would probably be good for me to have some time alone in the state of not feeling the need.

Also, He's shown me that repeating tape I once had in my mind--"no one ever wanted you"--was a true product of the poo pile. I'm not single because no one ever wanted me. There were plenty of guys who wanted me that did not interest me, and I few I was interested in who were terrible for me, dodged bullets. There's probably one or two interested guys, even now. But I'm interested in a certain sort of guy. It's never been about settling or just needed someone.

And that makes me think of a Barna survey taken a few years back where it turned out that only three to six percent of people claiming to be born again Christians believed that the Bible was the inerrant Word of God and the standard to live by. So I'm thinking, now let's cut that in half, because approximately fifty percent are women, and then let's cut it again, because of course some are married, and one more time because some I'm old enough to be their mommy, and then what we have is a needle in a haystack. Which I could be bummed about. Except that I realize it really takes the responsibility off me and puts it onto God where it belongs. He's God over the impossible. If He wants me married, He'll get me there. Meanwhile, honestly, I'm breathing a sigh of relief, because the poo pile really had me down for a long while. I thought there was something wrong with me. But now, I'm okay with being single and realize all that other stuff was at best poop, and at worst satanic attack.

As things stand now, it wouldn't be my first choice that I'd be alone the rest of my days on earth, and honestly, I doubt I will be. But it's nice to know that if I am it wasn't because I was undesirable or defective or blew it in some way, but rather it was because God said so, and He only has the best in mind for me.

 

[guilty56]

I am soooo with you on this.

 

[iambren]

I hear you KaryKay and can feel the pain you're describing. Have you ever loved or been married;if so it shows what you're missing.

All of us have shyness,pain,reticence that like bars want to hold us in our cage. Maybe you could step out a little more,take more risks,and broaden your world a bit so someone more likely can come into your life. My inferiority affects me differently--it makes me bold,sometimes too bold and I fall on my face. But I guess I reckon that if one time out of ten failings I am successful that's all I need(in theory anyway).

I pray you find a Boaz. I'm divorced and am already dreading the holidays. My wishes seem so simple--to hold her in my arms,whisper in her ear,walk hand-in-hand through the snow. I'll bet there are a LOT of lonely people out there. Sometimes I feel like walking up to a woman,throw her over my shoulder,and take her home. But that would be illegal,darnnit! Why can't we go back to the caveman days?

 

[blackribbon]

Traditions says that Boaz was an old man and died not too long after they married. I don't think I want a Boaz or to be a double widow at a young age as Ruth would have been if tradition is correct.

 

[karykay]

guilty56 I read those passages as well, I thought I was really devoting myself to the Lord more as a single person? Some how I feel I am not. So would it matter if I was married or not?
When I first excepted the Lord I spent a lot of time studding the Bible and praying. Talking to relatives and about God, and joining Christian newsletters by snail mail; since there was no Internet then.This lasted for a few years, at first I had hoped this would bring me a partner. You see! typical human doing something to get what you want. But the more I studied God word the more I forgot about what I wanted. The years went by, but some where in my 40's I started to slide down from the high I was on, to a point where I stopped reading the Bible but still prayed. Canceled the subscriptions to the letters.
When I turned 50 I started to feel scared, I believe the Devil was affecting me. Telling me lies, that I will be alone and die alone. A picture was painted in my mind what would happen to me and it was very scary. So of cause my mind turn to thinking about having a husband.

Last year I sat and though about it and have prayed that God would pull me back to him. Over the months I have been looking for a place to fellowship in the physical word. But all the churches I have been to previously , do not follow what I believe. So I turned to the Internet and that's when I found this site. After been on a few others and cancelling my membership. But I still have this lonely feeling for a human either a partner or friends.

miss-a I to what someone that is devote to God first, but there are very few around. For some reason men in general have turned from God or just do not think about it.

Here in South Africa every year in different parts of the country is a gathering of men, held. And only for men, it was started by one man with a vision to bring men back to God. I think it lasts for two or three days, where there is fellowship , pray and studding the Word. And also to teach men how to be a Godly man. How to treat woman and children according to Gods word. And how to be a better man in every way.

iambren the holidays are the worst I get very depressed at those times, but I also get down on my birthday.

I certainly would not like to be dragged back to a cave by my hair, like some picture depict the stone age. lol.

blackribbon, when I talk about finding my Boaz it is what he stands for not the physical man. It is a Boaz nature, personalty his trust in God is what I am looking for.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

I have been thinking about this for a long time. Why am I still single?
I use to ask God if he would give me a partner, and this kept coming into my mind, " I am more than enough for you"
I am not one to out to parties or dances and I had hoped that I would bump into the man I would marry. In the shopping malls, at church or work. But it never happened.
Even when I ran my own business mixing with people, nothing.
Maybe God is enough, but here are things you cannot do with God, Talking to him-do not get a response, cannot share and do your hobbies together. No hugs or all the other emotions us humans suffer from.

I was told not to go out and look for a partner. If you are meant to have one it will happen. Now I am wondering if that was all wrong!

Now I would like to know how others feel about this? How do you cope?

I come from the perspective of having been married. Ive been on my own now for 21 years as a Divorcee. WHile i dont have a desire to be married again, I do have the desire for a Companion...a S.O. that i can pour my time and energies into and have God bless thru me , and vice versa. I would love to have a recreational Companion that shares the same interests I have and to emotionally connect with . There is something about sharing precious moments or hardships with Another who deeply cares about you and your welfare . I think everyone needs this.

What i have found from being married is, even though you are married....theres no gaurantees that full Companionship will be realized. That may seem odd, but, many Marriages start out whereby both do things together only in time to wane. I know of a 90 year old Man who is very very energetic and youthful whos married to a 72 year old woman and according to him, they have a very distant relationship now and they seldom do things together recreationally . When they do, her heart isnt into it according to him. In fact, she has her old house in another State that she goes to about 4 times per year for a couple months at a time. Frankly, its quite sad to see occuring. So, marriage isnt all its cracked up to be and it can be one where you just basically put up with one another . I suspect the majority of marriages, Christian and otherwise, are like this given the enormous divorce rate and my personal oberservation of marriages I know about.

Regardless of our status , we need to stay productive serving Christ while we wait on him / hope for , a major change in our lives IF he wills it. Life doesnt stop just because we dont get a deep desire met is what ive discovered but the key is to be an Overcomer of that.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Yep just like you can be in a room full of people and still be lonely. Being married to someone who is as invested as you are is great, but alot of times marriages aren't like that.

 

[karykay]

So, marriage isnt all its cracked up to be and it can be one where you just basically put up with one another . I suspect the majority of marriages, Christian and otherwise, are like this given the enormous divorce rate and my personal oberservation of marriages I know about.

Funny you should say that, I have heard that said many a time. By my widowed Aunts and my late mother. Even a friend of my one aunt who is a widow said she would never get married again. And frankly I do not know why some people get married, because all they do is fight.
My neighbour said to me once that I was wise not to be married or even have a boyfriend. I asked if she was happy been married, in not so many words she said no. But! she said she will not get rid of what she has. So inline with all this maybe I should forget the idea. And maybe just find friends that share the same interests. When you tried of the person you go home and they go to theirs. Like grandparents, they enjoy their grandchildren but are glad when they go home.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

Funny you should say that, I have heard that said many a time. By my widowed Aunts and my late mother. Even a friend of my one aunt who is a widow said she would never get married again. And frankly I do not know why some people get married, because all they do is fight.
My neighbour said to me once that I was wise not to be married or even have a boyfriend. I asked if she was happy been married, in not so many words she said no. But! she said she will not get rid of what she has. So inline with all this maybe I should forget the idea. And maybe just find friends that share the same interests. When you tried of the person you go home and they go to theirs. Like grandparents, they enjoy their grandchildren but are glad when they go home.

The thing to remember about marriage is : Its ever-changing and youre dealing with two Sinners who are foundationally self centered , love their independence , and will be inconsiderate at times. So, it takes two VERY special people who are emotionally healthy , able to work thru conflict, and who are both willing to totally submit . This equation , frankly, is something that precious few people can or are willing, to do. The stage of marriage where this is most discovered is when the Honeymoon is over and about at the 2-3 year level ; this is where One (or Both) say to themselves 'Uh oh...what have i done by marrying this person' or ' Wow...i never knew this about him/her ' . Marriage involves such surrendering of Ones will and independence....that most Marriages should have never occured and the two should have just cherished the nice Friendship they had built up . Marriage can actually destroy a deep Friendship and ive witnessed it so many many times with Others. In precious few cases....Marriage IS best for people and that assertion is based on the current divorce rate and Spouses admitting they are just putting up with one another cause of the kids and/or because they dont relish Singlehood , financial struggle, physical loneliness again.

IN summary, nearly all people who get married have little clue as to the immense commitment, self surrender, conflict resolution that is foisted upon them not only for a time....but for a LIFE time. While i still believe in the Marriage Instutition being ordained of God, it is something that few should enter into because they are ill prepared or simply dont have the requirements for it to be successful.

 

[dayhiker]

I enjoyed being married a lot for 28 years. But it ended. I don't have any desire to get married again.
I think think we have made marriage into this thing that is to meet every need we have. I talk to a lot of men who have no life beyond work and marriage. This seems to work for a while, but as we have got older its not worked very well some a lot of us. Tho I will admit its worked amazingly well for some. The others I have talked to found that as nice or bad as their marriage had been it was two narrow. We couldn't meet all the needs of our partner. Yet I understood the churches teaching to me that we forsake all others and our God and spouse were all we needed. But that didn't work for so many of us.
So I'll not try to make work what didn't work and I'm looking for a new model. A model of relationships that still has the love the Bible talks about, that still honors and respects those I'm with, that hears what they have to say and gives them what I can but is honest to tell them what I can't give as well. Before I was just quiet hoping they would ignore or move on. Now I tell them to go find someone who can meet that need. For there is someone out there who wants to give that very thing.
For a year and a half its worked really well. I'm finding others that are working and learning this same model of relationships and they are enjoying it and all the love they are finding as well.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

I enjoyed being married a lot for 28 years. But it ended. I don't have any desire to get married again.
I think think we have made marriage into this thing that is to meet every need we have. I talk to a lot of men who have no life beyond work and marriage. This seems to work for a while, but as we have got older its not worked very well some a lot of us. Tho I will admit its worked amazingly well for some. The others I have talked to found that as nice or bad as their marriage had been it was two narrow. We couldn't meet all the needs of our partner. Yet I understood the churches teaching to me that we forsake all others and our God and spouse were all we needed. But that didn't work for so many of us.
So I'll not try to make work what didn't work and I'm looking for a new model. A model of relationships that still has the love the Bible talks about, that still honors and respects those I'm with, that hears what they have to say and gives them what I can but is honest to tell them what I can't give as well. Before I was just quiet hoping they would ignore or move on. Now I tell them to go find someone who can meet that need. For there is someone out there who wants to give that very thing.
For a year and a half its worked really well. I'm finding others that are working and learning this same model of relationships and they are enjoying it and all the love they are finding as well.

It is truly amazing the deep fulfillment and joy we as Singles can get from a couple of trusted Friends of the same sex and opposite . It should surely be a Model worth pursuing with the understanding and determination to pour ourselves into nurturing such blessings as these.

I too believe there is a huge misconception about marriage in this country which is why id like to see mandatory classes before people get a Marriage License so they can maybe balance the europhic state they are curently in with the hard objective facts and requirements that married life demands . For such an enormous life changing decision, it is one that is often akin to buying a used car ('kicking the tires and saying Ill take it') .

 

[guilty56]

I hope I can be honest here, David I think you are right on target about marriages these days.

With that said in the prior years before my marriage and now the post divorce I have felt inferior according to the christians I have met. I don't receive this vibe when I meet people out in public, and don't feel judged for being single/divorced. Even with singles ministries around these days I still feel like I am alone. Esp since most of them are pretty much the younger crowd.

I am soooo trying to be an active single in the church and I am having a really hard time with it. Maybe I am not in the right church or just not meeting the right people. I don't know but I truly feel bad that I feel this way towards God's children. I know it is me all the way but I don't know how to change that perception of how I view things.