Ever since the day I walked to the store with my Father....Ever since the day I walked into the Pronography section...and seen a picture.....I became addicted to it....losing all of my innocence....becoming an addict. All sense became null.....I masturbated far too many times...fantasizeing....hideing...running....veiwing....fighting. It continued from the young age of 7 years, all the way up to 11, and before I found out about God....Jesus, a savoir, who loved me....a man that said my addiction, my fantasies were wrong....I had knew nothing about my actions. I just did it.
Then one day, when my mother found God, became a christian, things began to get strange....as I went to the chruch, I had not liked it, I had not understood it....but as I grew older, it began to make some sense....but the real thing that hit me hard, is when I seen a video about Christ, suffering, being beaten, carrying the sacred cross on his back...and suffering for the sins I have been committing all of my life.
I creid out ot my mother....and sobbed as I watched....she took me from the theater....and had my life saved from my sins, I had accepted christ that day....but I didn't understand, I didn't know anything.....and it was left like this.
I began to fight my Addiction, began to pray to god....I said....God, please forgive me for sinning agaisnt you, I am truly and deeply sorry...please, give me strentgh to beat my addiction, so that one day, I may be with you.
....but it had nothing, no strentgh, no sorrow, no true feeling....just regret for disobeying a God who had created me, I didn't want ot disobey him, I didn't want to hurt him with my sins, I wanted to change....and I tried, but failed....litterally hundreds of times, over and over, trying the same thing over and over again, restarting, and praying.....sinning again....
Everytime I lost, I became more determined to change myself....I started to care for others, started to want to help them....to make them happy, for God, For my family and friends, but no matter what I did, I always ended up......Failing again, I could never get rid of my addiction....to porn...to masturbation....to everything wrong.
This has continued, in an ever confusing style...for years, defeat, prayer, success, then failure....and in between trying to figure out what was wrong....why I can't win.
Today....I am older...I learned alot.....I want to change myself, into a man who gave everything for others, who burned with the fire of God and Jesus in his eyes, whom cared for nothing but others, who gave it all...even his life for someone else.....I commited my life to my family in the name of God, Vowing to do my best, to never give up, to never let myself lose, to always get up after falling, serving my families every need like a robot...and feeling a sense of accomplishment in it....and the reason why...is because I truly cared that much.....
...but no matter what...this addiction I have faced countless times....came back...and hit me harder...and harder, leaving me with the feeling of failure....the feeling of guilt over the countless times I have let this happen, the feeling that God could never forgive me this time....for failing him after promising so much.... for trying so hard all by myself, for only asking for his strength, for his guidiance....and then only to fail again....
....right now I could scream....scream forever....and never stop....scream why.....but I know I shouldn't....it wouldn't accomplish anything...and no one is going to tell me why.
What is my problem? Why? What is it that I am doing wrong!??! Can anyone truly answer me? Can anyone truly end my confusion...my suffering...my failure?! Why....why must I continue to fail him.....why can't I fufill my promises...my vows? Please....somebody...help me...
