Why is it "different when they're yours?"

[CrystalBrooke]

Well, I guess you probably won't know why it's different when they're yours because you're all set on snipping that opportunity out of your life. It's not something you can explain, it's something you experience yourself when you become a parent. Sure, there will be lots of messes everywhere when there are children and there will be cartoons on instead of watching what YOU want to watch. That's called making sacrifices as a parent.

But it's not always different when it's your's. Some people aren't cut out to make those sacrifices and be happy about it. Some people aren't cut out to be parents, and that's fine. I don't think God intended for all of us to have children.

I just think that when making "permanent" birth control decisions..but like you said if you're not going to wait until you get married, then it would probably be the best option. Abstinence is the only thing that is 100% and if you can't do that, I guess this is the next best thing. Good luck with whatever you do.

 

[FaithPrevails]

Honestly - I loved kids even before I became a mom and always knew I wanted to be a mom. In fact, my "calling" in life is to be a wife/mom and I enjoy both roles immensely.

Before I had children of my own, I worked with them both professionally and on a volunteer basis. I loved each and every child that I interacted with and often received feedback from others that I was a "natural" with children.

None of my experiences with other people's children, though, prepared me for the overwhelming feeling of love that washed over me the first time I held each of my babies. I *only* thought I loved them when they were in my womb. That first moment together as mother and child...nothing compares to it for me.

My husband - who was told he would never have children and was content with that - says that words cannot describe the overwhelming amount of love and emotion that washed over him the first time he held our baby.

There just simply is no way to convey it through written or spoken word, IMO. Even for someone like me, who thought I knew how much I loved kids...it was a completely different ballgame when it came to my own.

 

[Umaro]

I just think that when making "permanent" birth control decisions..but like you said if you're not going to wait until you get married, then it would probably be the best option. Abstinence is the only thing that is 100% and if you can't do that, I guess this is the next best thing. Good luck with whatever you do.

I find it a bit strange that you are against making a permanent birth control decision, given that you are younger than I am and have a child according to your other post. You have made an equally, if not more so irrevocable decision. I'm sure all sorts of parents do, I know several people that were married and had children at a younger point than I. Why then is my choice met with skepticism and opposition? I'm willing to wager after you had your child no one ever told you "what if you regret it later?"

 

[Mayzoo]

If you know what you want, have done the proper research, have exercised due diligence and deep thought, and are confident that you do not ever want children, then you should not need others to agree with you. Do what you feel is right for yourself, and just as with most other life decisions, do not wait for others to agree with you. You can still listen to others opinions respectfully while maintaining your position. Honestly, I would only discuss this with immediate family and a potential spouse anyway, but that is me .

Others agreeing with a life choice does not mean that it is the correct choice just as others disagreeing with a life choice does not mean that it is the wrong choice.

Incidentally, my BIL had his vasectomy (done twenty five years ago) reversed in December 2008 and his wife has conceived twice since then. You cannot count on a reversal working; however, should you change your mind later in life a vasectomy reversal, or adoption are options to try.

 

[CrystalBrooke]

I find it a bit strange that you are against making a permanent birth control decision, given that you are younger than I am and have a child according to your other post. You have made an equally, if not more so irrevocable decision. I'm sure all sorts of parents do, I know several people that were married and had children at a younger point than I. Why then is my choice met with skepticism and opposition? I'm willing to wager after you had your child no one ever told you "what if you regret it later?"

I'm not against permanent birth control(I plan on having my tubes tied after I have one more child), I just think it's a decision that people our age should think loooooong and haaaard about. But I've read all your posts and it seems as if you've done that. No one said asked me about regretting my child later after I had her, but I had a lot of people ask me if I was going to have an abortion or give her up for adoption while I was pregnant...neither of which were an option for me. People will always have an opinion about your choice to not have or to have children, period, for some reason it's just how we're wired. You opened it up on a public forum, surely you knew some, if not most, would disagree with your decision.

 

[Lena75]

Exactly, when you open up what you've already decided onto a public parenting forum, you're going to get people who disagree with you and I'm curious as to why you even bothered to post it here in the first place.

Now, there is a section on CF called Childless Couples. Then again, that's in the marriage forum: Childfree Couples - Christian Forums

 

[Sabertooth]

As long as you are on a sinking ship, rearrange the deck chairs any way you like. You are asking wisdom questions (on a Christian forum) of those who seek to represent the will of a God that you refuse to acknowledge (per your icon).

Even if you somehow end up making the most beneficial decision in this matter, on said advice, your eternal standing would remain unchanged.

The long-term impact of your decision to get a vasectomy (or not) will only be relevant if and when you have a God to answer to. Until that happens, all you CAN do is eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow you die.

That isn't to say that a vasectomy doesn't have ramifications, but it is a bit like the old gag of refusing a last cigarette at a firing squad because you are trying to "break the habit...!"

 

[Singermom]

Exactly, when you open up what you've already decided onto a public parenting forum, you're going to get people who disagree with you and I'm curious as to why you even bothered to post it here in the first place.

Now, there is a section on CF called Childless Couples. Then again, that's in the marriage forum: Childfree Couples - Christian Forums

I agree with this. What is the point of your post? Since you have already stated that most of the people you actually know have tried to talk you out of it, why do you feel that we - as strangers - will just pat you on the back and congratulate you on making such a mature decision (I'm being mildly sarcastic)? What do you expect to gain?

To specifically answer the question that is the actual subject (that YOU posted) of this post, one other poster put it best. There are just no words that describe the incredible feeling that comes over you when you are holding a child of your own: the product of love between you and your spouse. Like a previous poster, I was always good with kids and loved them...NOTHING prepared me for motherhood, and nothing is more rewarding.

The feeling I get when one of my daughters puts her hand in mine when walking...

Hearing the words "I love you" from them...

Having them fall asleep on me, looking at them so at peace and trusting, knowing that I am there to make their sleep safe (man, I miss these)...

The sense of pride I feel in any and all of their accomplishments: first steps, first words, good grades in school, awards, shows, tying shoes, etc.

My husband was an abused child and never knew how he would react to children. He'd had NO experience with children, particularly babies. However, the first time he changed our first-born's diaper, he took to it as if he'd done a million before. A man who has always been low-key in showing emotions - even to me - thinks nothing of giving his girls hugs and words of endearment.

If you have your mind all-fired set on getting snipped...then just do it. You don't need our permission, you don't want our advice, you don't accept the possibility of changing your mind. You've already rejected all advice and responses...so, once again, I'm not sure why you posted in the first place.

(...and I won't even get into my feelings about casual sex outside of marriage...)

 

[Umaro]

I agree with this. What is the point of your post? Since you have already stated that most of the people you actually know have tried to talk you out of it, why do you feel that we - as strangers - will just pat you on the back and congratulate you on making such a mature decision (I'm being mildly sarcastic)? What do you expect to gain?

To specifically answer the question that is the actual subject (that YOU posted) of this post, one other poster put it best. There are just no words that describe the incredible feeling that comes over you when you are holding a child of your own: the product of love between you and your spouse. Like a previous poster, I was always good with kids and loved them...NOTHING prepared me for motherhood, and nothing is more rewarding.

The feeling I get when one of my daughters puts her hand in mine when walking...

Hearing the words "I love you" from them...

Having them fall asleep on me, looking at them so at peace and trusting, knowing that I am there to make their sleep safe (man, I miss these)...

The sense of pride I feel in any and all of their accomplishments: first steps, first words, good grades in school, awards, shows, tying shoes, etc.

My husband was an abused child and never knew how he would react to children. He'd had NO experience with children, particularly babies. However, the first time he changed our first-born's diaper, he took to it as if he'd done a million before. A man who has always been low-key in showing emotions - even to me - thinks nothing of giving his girls hugs and words of endearment.

If you have your mind all-fired set on getting snipped...then just do it. You don't need our permission, you don't want our advice, you don't accept the possibility of changing your mind. You've already rejected all advice and responses...so, once again, I'm not sure why you posted in the first place.

(...and I won't even get into my feelings about casual sex outside of marriage...)

I was hoping to get some answers about why to have children that were less vague than those you listed above. "I'll have more free time" is a lot more definite than "hearing the words 'I love you' from them." But it seems those are the only types of reasons I'm going to get. Thanks for your time everyone.

 

[Mayzoo]

I was hoping to get some answers about why to have children that were less vague than those you listed above. "I'll have more free time" is a lot more definite than "hearing the words 'I love you' from them." But it seems those are the only types of reasons I'm going to get. Thanks for your time everyone.

IMO having children is an emotional choice rather than a logical one. Conversely, I believe choosing to not have children is more a logical decision rather than an emotional one. As such, it is very hard to place into words why one chooses to have children other than through emotional terms that an uninvolved party is unlikely to grasp, whereas the reasons to not have children would be more concrete.

 

[bliz]

If you feel this strongly about not having children, by all means, proceed with the surgery.

What is missing from your observations, and what you cannot fathom, is how much most parents love their children. It really is beyond comprehension until I happens to you.

I was a most reluctant mother, and the love didn't kick in for several months. I can't imagine how terrible it would have been if that had not happened. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent. It is always possible that you will change your mind, but the risk is great that you will not.

 

[LoisGriffin]

This made me smile because you sound like the male version of me.

I would love to get permanent birth control but my DH doesn't like the idea so I don't want to go against his wishes. The reasons to have kids really don't mean anything to me.

I went and got an IUD which last 5 years and has a pretty good sucess rate. Its not typically something they like giving to women without children but I cannot take hormonal birth control so it gave me more of a say.

With a health problem I have I would have a have a child young to minimise risks. Even being fully aware that timing is crucial for me it doesn't bother me one bit. Its always better to regret not having them than to regret having them.

 

[Alicia_M]

I never plan on having kids. I feel strongly enough that I'm having a vasectomy within the coming weeks. I could list 50 reasons not to have kids, very concrete reasons like more time, money, lower stress, etc.

However, nearly everyone I talk to is still completely against me having the procedure.

Most likely, they worry that you will miss out on a bond like no other. Also, you're only 23 (gathered from your OP), and perspectives about life change as you get older.

The love between a parent and child is something that is very difficult to describe. That little person has absolute faith in their parent - even if the parent is horrible. (Children retain some measure of hope for even the most lousy of parents.) They trust blindly. Having children can even make parents better human beings because they have someone else to think about; someone else to put before their own needs/desires.

Re: stress. Yep, kids can add to your stress levels. I have three. Honestly, though, what it takes is teaching them to behave properly - the difference between right and wrong, and why. That isn't easy. You literally *have* to be a living example for them.

But...

The part that weirds me out though is all of their reasons are very vague and not particularly meaningful. I hear stuff like "you'll regret it later," "tiny hands reaching for you," "watching them play with a ball," and of course, "it's different when they're your own."

Adults forget. We forget what it's like when everything was brand new. We forget the simple joy we felt when a ball rolled across the floor and a squeal of delight automatically followed suit. We forget how amazing it was to discover that yes, we do have fingers; and it's captivating to watch them open and close. We forget how wonderful the grass feels between our toes - children appreciate these seemingly trivial things as what they should be, wonderful. Witnessing a child explore the world with their innocent reactions puts things in perspective for me: yes, the bills are looming. Yes, chores need to be finished. Yes, politics are crazy. Yes, I have relationship problems with x. But, the sheer delight and simple joy in everyday life that a child displays is what life is really about.

Needless to say, these reasons are not very convincing.

Weighing "I'll have more free time" vs. "a child's laughter" is a pretty one sided contest in my eyes. But that still leaves the question, even with such vague arguments for having children, why do so many people take that side? They say it's different when its your own, but if I don't like changing diapers and hearing crying now, why would I like it if the kid was mine and I can't escape it? I go to a restaurant and hear a kid cry, I'm annoyed but know I only have to deal with it until I leave. If the kid was mine, I'd have to deal with it 24/7. Why would a child being biologically mine, something I can't take back if I'm wrong, make me change my mind about disliking children?

Why do so many take that side? Love, I think.

Changing diapers? I'm doing that again. They stink. My son's happiness over having a clean, dry bottom, though...yeah, difficult to describe. I've even taken to singing silly songs just to entertain him while I do it. He thinks it's funny. His laughter is infectious. He contaminates me, and soon it spreads to the rest of the family.

Crying? It is how they express themselves. Until they can communicate more effectively, that's what they do. A crying child can actually strengthen the bond because a parent learns how to respond appropriately to a child's need. My infant cries when he is hungry, sleepy, or needs a diaper change. He will fuss (whine) when he wants to be shown affection. My older two cry for emotional reasons, mostly, or when they are hurt physically. I cry for emotional reasons. Naturally, I don't cry as often as my children. Crying is something that never leaves us no matter how old we get.

My kids have made me a better person. They've also brought me great peace during some of the most stressful points in my life. They were my "zen" when my brother and father passed.

 

[Umaro]

This made me smile because you sound like the male version of me.

I would love to get permanent birth control but my DH doesn't like the idea so I don't want to go against his wishes. The reasons to have kids really don't mean anything to me.

I went and got an IUD which last 5 years and has a pretty good sucess rate. Its not typically something they like giving to women without children but I cannot take hormonal birth control so it gave me more of a say.

With a health problem I have I would have a have a child young to minimise risks. Even being fully aware that timing is crucial for me it doesn't bother me one bit. Its always better to regret not having them than to regret having them.

One of the reasons I'm seeking a vasectomy is because as a male, my choices are limited to abstinence, condoms, and a vasectomy. People always tell me to wait until I'm older and use birth control in the mean time, but I'm not sure I trust condoms enough. Women have a whole host of options, but I have no guarantee. It's not to say I don't trust my partners, but if you forget to take a pill one day you're fertile for 48 hours or so. That's not a risk I'm willing to leave to someone else, no matter how much I trust them.

The IUD seems like a great solution, but there's no male version of it. Why is it that they don't like giving it to women who have not had children yet?

 

[Ashleen]

Umaro, don't stop using the condoms-STD's are not your friend.

 

[Umaro]

Umaro, don't stop using the condoms-STD's are not your friend.

I don't intend to stop using them, even if I do get a vasectomy. It's just extra insurance, since condoms can break.

 

[ChildByGrace]

One of the reasons I'm seeking a vasectomy is because as a male, my choices are limited to abstinence, condoms, and a vasectomy. People always tell me to wait until I'm older and use birth control in the mean time, but I'm not sure I trust condoms enough. Women have a whole host of options, but I have no guarantee. It's not to say I don't trust my partners, but if you forget to take a pill one day you're fertile for 48 hours or so. That's not a risk I'm willing to leave to someone else, no matter how much I trust them.

The IUD seems like a great solution, but there's no male version of it. Why is it that they don't like giving it to women who have not had children yet?

I agree that if you really don't want children then you should be the one to do something rather than relying on someone else to remember to take a pill etc.

In response to the iud - I think the reason is because there may be a chance than by having one you could become infertile therefore they prefer you to know that you can actually have children.

In response to the part of your post about your friend who has 3 kids and you don't like the mess they make, what they watch on Tv etc - if they are your children then you get to decide how they behave. I'm not very good with children who sit watching kids tv all day - therefore my children don't watch kids tv. I don't like stickly fingers all over surfaces in the house-therefore my children sit at the table to eat and are taught that if they have dirty hands then they can't touch certain things.
It seems to me that other people children have put you off having your own. The only reason I decided I did want children was because I saw children that I thought I would be able to deal with and realised that they are what you make them.

While I do think you are young I also think that if you are that set on it then you shouldn't be asking for reassurance from people who have a different belief system to you. IRO people choosing to have children young so why shouldn't you be able to choose not to have them - for a certain percentage of people having children you g wasn't a choice but a product of circumstance.

 

[Jilly123]

If you know what you want, have done the proper research, have exercised due diligence and deep thought, and are confident that you do not ever want children, then you should not need others to agree with you. Do what you feel is right for yourself, and just as with most other life decisions, do not wait for others to agree with you. You can still listen to others opinions respectfully while maintaining your position. Honestly, I would only discuss this with immediate family and a potential spouse anyway, but that is me .

Others agreeing with a life choice does not mean that it is the correct choice just as others disagreeing with a life choice does not mean that it is the wrong choice.

Incidentally, my BIL had his vasectomy (done twenty five years ago) reversed in December 2008 and his wife has conceived twice since then. You cannot count on a reversal working; however, should you change your mind later in life a vasectomy reversal, or adoption are options to try.

I completely agree. I think if you are so certain that you don't want kids then you should go ahead with the vasectomy.

I don't really like kids but I absolutely adore my own, but not all people are like that. I know a couple: wife wanted kids, husband absolutely didn't. She thought that if he held his own baby he would feel different and so she conveniently "forgot" to take the pill and fell pregnant. Guess what? Nothing changed. He feels he is now saddled with a child he never wanted and a deceptive wife. The one I feel most sorry for is the kid. So I think if you are 100% sure you don't want to have kids then get the vasectomy, because if you end up with a "surprise" baby and your feelings don't change that poor child will suffer and you will be miserable too.

I honestly believe that not all people were meant to have kids. There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids.

 

[heart of peace]

But that still leaves the question, even with such vague arguments for having children, why do so many people take that side? They say it's different when its your own, but if I don't like changing diapers and hearing crying now, why would I like it if the kid was mine and I can't escape it? I go to a restaurant and hear a kid cry, I'm annoyed but know I only have to deal with it until I leave. If the kid was mine, I'd have to deal with it 24/7. Why would a child being biologically mine, something I can't take back if I'm wrong, make me change my mind about disliking children?

These people who are saying these things to you, are they close to you?

 

[Umaro]

These people who are saying these things to you, are they close to you?

Yes, with an odd exception or two, the people saying this are friends, family, partners, urologists, strangers. Basically everyone save my former college roommate.