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it seems you put the woman you are approaching on a pedistool and you don't even know her, so yes" her loss" unless you know her to be a mother Teressa saint like woman, she could just as easy be a nasty alcoholic degenerate
I can't walk away saying it's "her loss" because it isn't. I'm not God's gift to women. What, should I insinuate myself on the object of my desire as if she ought to want me when she clearly doesn't? That's exactly the sort of callousness - by which I mean, arrogance and lack of empathy - that I began to see in myself when I was listening to the "dude, just ask her and screw what she thinks" school of advice. I will never regret a life of caution if my refusal to be reckless towards other people leaves me single, just like I won't be full of regret for not driving down crowded streets at high speeds and thereby miss out on a life of high-risk joyriding. I don't just consider my own needs and wants. I consider those of the women I am interested in as well. And "just asking them" when they obviously have no interest in me can only hurt them as well as myself. Therefore I will wait for signs that they ARE interested before I try to do anything other than become friends. Caution is wisdom. If you ever regret being cautious you've got some weird priorities.
One day you might want to start considering your own needs and wants.
For the same reason that you don't drive at top speed down a street with pedestrian activity. It's not only because you are afraid that they'll fly through your windshield and hurt you. If you ever do get married, you had better be prepared to spend a LOT of time fighting with your wife, with that attitude.And why exactly are we being "cautious" with women anyway? Are they a dangerous animal? Are they going to kill us? If not, I don't see why being "cautious" is even part of this discussion.
Hmm, how about... every time I've done it. I've lost no fewer than six close friendships when I revealed romantic interest that wasn't mutual, and many more casual friendships.And since when does asking someone out "hurt them"?
And I think you had better stop making assumptions. You know what they say about that.I think you are exaggerating the risks involved to keep yourself safe and comfortable so that you do not have to act further, causing yourself more (potentially) undue rejection.
Rejection is a form of death. God never intended for people to hurt one another, ever. Therefore it is a life-enabling way of living to minimize rejection. Note that I never said (despite your apparent assumptions) that I avoid it entirely - but I do not risk it when it is not necessary. Especially when the alternative is something so simple (and which I believe ought to be obvious) as just trying to see whether someone is interested BEFORE you go insinuating your desires on them.Rejection is a part of life.
I do. But I do it in a way that is respectful of the needs and wants of others. That's how grownups operate.
For the same reason that you don't drive at top speed down a street with pedestrian activity. It's not only because you are afraid that they'll fly through your windshield and hurt you. If you ever do get married, you had better be prepared to spend a LOT of time fighting with your wife, with that attitude.
Hmm, how about... every time I've done it. I've lost no fewer than six close friendships when I revealed romantic interest that wasn't mutual, and many more casual friendships.
And I think you had better stop making assumptions. You know what they say about that.
Rejection is a form of death. God never intended for people to hurt one another, ever. Therefore it is a life-enabling way of living to minimize rejection. Note that I never said (despite your apparent assumptions) that I avoid it entirely - but I do not risk it when it is not necessary. Especially when the alternative is something so simple (and which I believe ought to be obvious) as just trying to see whether someone is interested BEFORE you go insinuating your desires on them.
Why doesn't this work? Why can't friends express an interest in each other without ruining the friendship?Yeah, because you were trying to turn FRIENDSHIPS into ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS. It doesn't work (as you should know). This is why it makes more sense to approach someone you are NOT already friends with, so you don't risk destroying an otherwise great friendship with someone who does not share your deeply rooted feelings.
Why doesn't this work? Why can't friends express an interest in each other without ruining the friendship?
There are MANY people in this world who are married and started out as friends. MANY.
Oh Lord.
if friendships cannot be turned into romantic relationships, then my parents should never have married. Nor should any of the other couples I know who started out as friends first and have happy marriages now.
Just because it hasn't worked for you, does not mean it cannot work at all.
Yeah, because you were trying to turn FRIENDSHIPS into ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS. It doesn't work (as you should know). This is why it makes more sense to approach someone you are NOT already friends with, so you don't risk destroying an otherwise great friendship with someone who does not share your deeply rooted feelings.
Rejection is a fact of the real world, like it or don't.
What do you advocate, bottling up, never saying anything and letting her take advantage of you? I should hope not.
You're missing a rather obvious third option here: don't act like a selfish jerk and impose your desires on people who have not expressed interest in you whether you are friends with them first or not.
So is disease. It happens, but there are things you can do to avoid it. And if you don't do those things, then you're just being reckless (which, by the way, is the opposite of cautious).
Do you really see no third alternative to being insensitive to the wants and needs of other people, and being a doormat? That's rather creepy.
Hogwash.Two words why it generally does not work out:
Unrequited. Love.
If it's mutual, that's obviously different. Guess what? It usually isn't and someone almost always gets hurt.
Way too much drama, heartache and sadness more often than not.
Why doesn't this work?
Why can't friends express an interest in each other without ruining the friendship?
Hogwash.
I've seen it work too many times for your fallacy to be true. Not to mention one of my best friends is someone I cared for and the feelings weren't reciprocated. How are we friends? Simple. We're ADULTS. That's how we roll.
How many dates and meaningful relationships has this way of doing things gotten you so far?
Yeah, sure. Living according to my morals isn't working so I'll just dump them to get what I want. Oh my gosh, why didn't I think of that.Because the sad truth is, if it's not working for you now, then maybe it's time to change things up.
Yep. Which is why I dropped the cold sell method of getting dates after a good decade of trying. And in retrospect realized that it was never very respectful of the women in whom I was interested in the first place, which means it's still FAR better to do what I'm doing now even if I never get a date in my life.You know, Einstein, insanity, the same thing and all that. I'm sure you've heard it before.
Did they both like each other first?
None. But then, neither did the cold-sell method, which I tried for a lot longer than this.
Yeah, sure. Living according to my morals isn't working so I'll just dump them to get what I want. Oh my gosh, why didn't I think of that.
Yep. Which is why I dropped the cold sell method of getting dates after a good decade of trying. And in retrospect realized that it was never very respectful of the women in whom I was interested in the first place, which means it's still FAR better to do what I'm doing now even if I never get a date in my life.
With all due respect, I don't "love" someone I merely have an interest. This is not the first time this has come up in a discussion. Is it common for people to be in love with someone who doesn't love them back? Infatuation maybe...but love?And I've seen too many failures to say it does work. See, I can do this too?
Good for you. It's great you can be friends with someone you love that doesn't love you back. Most adults can't. So if you'd like to talk down to them, be my guest.
All it takes is one exception to your generalization to prove that it is false.
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