Why I don't recommend abused women seek help from pastors or the church

[Endeavourer]

Update: upon request, I copied this post into the Christian Advice section so everyone (not just married couples) could respond. Please consider commenting on this thread in the Christian Advice section instead of here to join a broader community response.

There are some good pastors out there who understand the dynamics of abuse. I've found them to be few and far between. Several dynamics are at play:

a) protection of the ol' boys
b) twisting Scripture verses about wives submitting to husbands
c) the outsized influence in the churches of the popular book "Love and Respect", aka "The Husband's Calling to Abuse His Wife" that has made many recommended reading lists and widely adapted by conservative churches; however the book plays on Bible-y phrases and concepts that are unquestioned in the filters of many conservative believers to subtly twist and shift the enactment of submission beyond anything the Bible would recognize.

Here is one story of an abused wife who sought help from the church. I'm so very sad to say this is result is more typical than not. So, so sad.

Women Say Harvest Protected Abusive Husbands, Not Abused Wives, Part Two | Julie Roys

"Love and Respect's" fingerprints are all over this part:

"However, Frers [the abused wife] said in 2012, she told Becky Willey that she was afraid to join her husband who had three months earlier moved to Fairfax, Virginia, to plant a church. Frers said Willey dismissed her concerns, saying that all she had to do was sleep with her husband and things would be fine.

Frers said this answer was typical for Becky Willey. Frers said in meetings with other pastors’ wives, Willey would teach wives that their number one role as wives was to give their husbands what no one else could—sex. Frers said Willey told wives that it was a sin for women to refuse their husbands sexually. This was one of the reasons Frers said she didn’t tell leaders at HBC Davenport about her husband’s sexual abuse. “I feared (my husband),” Frers said, “but I feared God even more.”"

 

[Albion]

What it boils down to is that most pastors are not trained as counselors (and many pastors are not even especially well-trained in religion).

Many are heading up ministries that they started themselves or else belong to some denomination that doesn't deal much in seminaries and/or higher education.

YET, many people just assume that any ol' pastor--just for being a pastor--is competent to help them with interpersonal problems such as the kind we're discussing here.

But if a person in need asks around, it usually is not hard to find one who IS actually skilled at counseling.

 

[Endeavourer]

I clicked "agree" to your response because the first part is right on.

I take exception to this part:

But if a person in need asks around, it usually is not hard to find one who IS actually skilled at counseling.

It has been my experience that the reverse is true. A pastor who is skilled at recognizing evil and calling it out is very hard to find. Most minister to the souls instead of to the abused wife. If they can sin level (blame the wife's response to abuse as her part) so the abuse is 50% of the sin, and the response is 50% of the sin, then they can keep the husband engaged as they chase after the 'good' of the abuser's soul. What they don't realize is how that only enables an escalation of the abuse. You can read about how a church escalated the conditions for abuse in the link in my original posting.

I only recommend counseling resources that I know to be safe for abused women. Their suffering and pain is too acute, too traumatizing to take chances on whether or not a pastor will be in the very small minority of pastors who understand abuse and how to call it out without trampling the woman under sin leveling and 'submission'.

Another topic is how pastoral counseling is most often not safe for men in abusive marriages, either. There is a different dynamic when a man is being abused by his wife (it doesn't involve pulling the 'submission card), so I could make a separate post about that. Both genders are very much underserved and even harmed by pastors due to the conflict of interests between the abused person and the pastor's calling to shepard/win souls.

 

[Albion]

I clicked "agree" to your response because the first part is right on.

I take exception to this part:

It has been my experience that the reverse is true. A pastor who is skilled at recognizing evil and calling it out is very hard to find. Most minister to the souls instead of to the abused wife.

Okay. It probably was a mistake for me to say that it is "easy." On second thought, I would say it is possible to find a good counselor if the person in need asks around.

I do agree that because a pastor happens to be trained in counseling, this does not in itself mean that he has the right perspective on all the issues that people bring to him. So when I say "ask around," I mean to get recommendations and inquire about that matter also, not just see if the pastor has some kind of certification as a counselor. Doing this is not necessarily easy, but neither is it as formidable a task as some people may think.

 

[A Realist]

When it comes to matters of abuse or sexual crimes, folks should never go to their pastors.

Their first action should be to get law enforcement involved.

 

[Albion]

When it comes to matters of abuse or sexual crimes, folks should never go to their pastors.

Their first action should be to get law enforcement involved.

I agree that they do well to avoid going to their own pastors.

 

[Dave-W]

When it comes to matters of abuse or sexual crimes, folks should never go to their pastors.

Their first action should be to get law enforcement involved.

Not all abuse is criminal.

 

[A Realist]

Not all abuse is criminal.

Lack of the proper adjective for "abuse" does not diminish the point of my post.

 

[HannahT]

I agree that they do well to avoid going to their own pastors.

Man, woman or child? Unless they have experience in this area they need to find help outside the church. I was actually shocked and very hurt to find that many places do NOT do either the abusive party or the victims any good. They actually tend to make it worse, because they spiritualize it instead of dealing with it. I heard some real whoppers over the years coming from churches, and it seems they are more worried about the relationship than they are the true danger in front of them. John Piper gave a real doozie on video.

Churches have their place - no question! Yet, when it gets serious like what we are talking about? I will tell you I wasn't the first one shocked and completely blown over by the response.

I remember years ago being involved with many programs in our community, and then I had my involvement with my church. Our local DV shelter had been trying for years and years to asked churches (and other places of worship) for their help for people that came to them struggling with serious issues - and hesitating on important issues due to the faith teachings they had received. They knew they were over their heads in this area, and reached out for those that wouldn't be. In an area of over 300,000 people and TONS of places of worship? Two were willing to help. Two. I was completely dumbfounded!

Not all abuse is criminal.

How true that is. Yet, if they can't even properly deal with the illegal kinds? I'm sure they are just as bad - if not worse with the legal kinds.

 

[Dave-W]

I was actually shocked and very hurt to find that many places do NOT do either the abusive party or the victims any good. They actually tend to make it worse, because they spiritualize it instead of dealing with it.

Indeed. There is a tendency to overly spiritualize EVERYTHING in many faith traditions.

There is also a tendency to prohibit members from seeking outside counseling as the belief is that anyone who does NOT spiritualize per their guidelines it is relying on "man's wisdom;" which is seen as inherently sinful.

It is a terrible trap.

 

[HannahT]

Indeed. There is a tendency to overly spiritualize EVERYTHING in many faith traditions.

There is also a tendency to prohibit members from seeking outside counseling as the belief is that anyone who does NOT spiritualize per their guidelines it is relying on "man's wisdom;" which is seen as inherently sinful.

It is a terrible trap.

Yes, I have seen that before too. It's very manipulative to say if you go outside our circle you are relying on man's wisdom. Unfortunately, that was one issue that came up alot at the shelter. It's okay to admit there is no good answers, and it is scary. Who in their mind wouldn't say that?! It's strange if you think about it. They are trying to deal with a controlling and abusive circumstance, and their place of worship using the shame card to control the circumstance to. Talk about a double whammie!