why i am so self hurtfull

[guardian]

hi guys, i,m a newbie here. i was wondering if anyone has had similar problems to me. i,m a goodlooking young guy[so people keep telling me] and i find that when i,m out and about in the world girls/women often find me attractive and give me lots of looks and body language that says they find me attractive as a man. the problem is that instead of feeling happpy and flattered that young women are interested in me i find that a icy rage comes over me and i just coldly act as if i don,t even know these women are there. i get a rather confused,sick and painfull feeling when i reject girls.its like i,m hurting them but mostly i,m also hurting myself,because a part pf me would love a close loving relaitionship with a woman. because of my problems with women,i have in the past visted hookers for some sexual relief but as i am not a born again christian i feel it would be wrong to keep paying for sex. so i just buy girly mags and pleasure myself. i did have one long term girlfriend but she was very bossy and hurtfull,so i beat her up a few times,in the hope that she would leave me and it worked. i,m also frightened to get another girlfriend in case i beat her also,so i just keep reading girly mags and self pleasure. i don,t know why i,m so messed up towards girls. sometimes i wonder if i am possesed by some kind of demon. can anyone offer me some good advice? thanks.

 

[LifeInYou]

i don,t know why i,m so messed up towards girls.

Were you ever seriously hurt by a woman in your past? This could explain the anger, and the fear of getting close.

 

[Living4Him03]

Did you say you are not a Christian? If you're not, then it is certainly possible to be demon possessed, especially if you allow satan to intwine you in his lies...like getting the girly mags, beating the girlfriend, etc. At some point he convinced you these were all okay things to do, because satan's goal is to destroy us. Have you been thinking about accepting Christ lately? Have you been attending church? Satan loves to attack people when they are headed in the right direction...in fact, the more we head in the right direction, the stronger his attacks it seems. However, if you become a Christian, you are God's and demons cannot posess you. You will be God's and he will protect you from satan and his lies if you trust in Him!! Maybe it's time to get down on your knees and pray for God to forgive you of your sins and take over your life? If you want to know more about becoming a Christian, pm me. I'm sorry you are facing so much difficulty with women. Just know that God has the power to heal you and will do so if you ask Him to. God bless.

 

[guardian]

Hi people, thanks for the 2 very nice and thoughtfull but very different replies. firstly yes i have been very hurt in the past by a women. firstly my mother was very cold,judgemental and rejecting of me when i was a child. she always seemed to prefer my younger brother and sister to me. i just don,t remember much love from her. i guess that this has lead to my anger and difficulties with women.then i met my only long term girlfriend,on the face of it she seemed the total opposite of my mother,as unlike my mother she expressed her hurt and anger very often! but she was quite "maternal" with me[unlike my real mother.]she was also very controlling and demanding.although i feel that i did love my girlfriend deeply and i did want to marry her,she did n,t want to get married as she prefered for us to just live together. i eventually found that in her own way she was very hurtfull and rejecting to live with and i beat her up a few times[although these attacks were after she had threatened me with voilence first!] i found the end of our relaitionship very trumatic and confusing. i felt very guilty that i had hit the woman i professed to love and i have not seriously attempted another longterm involvment with a woman,because after the experiences with my mother and then my ex-girlfriend i have come to feel that happy,loving relaitionships are not going to happen for me. as reguards what you have suggested living4him03,i really appreciate you kind offer to pm you about help in becoming a real christian,however i find that this site keeps logging me out whenever i try to send off a pm to you! thanks very much for your king offer of help though. i think that you could be right in that satan could be using my problems with women to destroy me and any woman i got close too. i feel that the fact that i have to resort to visting call girls for sexual relief sometimes,is indeed sinfull on my part,also i feel very degraded and that the hookers are also being degraded by guys like me who give them a living.which is why i just been buying soft core[i don,t read the hard core porno mags,as i find them unattractive and slightly sickening] girly mags and getting my sexual pleasure that way. i know reading girly mags is not ideal but its certainly better than visting hookers,which i was doing before and also it is not harming anyone . i don,t think that me buying and reading soft core girly mags is letting satan destroy my life as you suggest,but maybe i,m wrong and maybe i,m committing a sin by reading,but i deffinely feel they are the lesser of 2 evils eg visting hookers and entering into destructive relaitionships with girls that hurt both parties.as my ex-girl said to me as she left my apartment "do women a big favour and keep well away from them." once again thanks for those intelligent,thoughtfull replies and God bless you bioth, guardian

 

[ummidrinkcherrycoke]

 

[Living4Him03]

I just recently got a pm from "Unregistered" so that was kind of weird. Anyway, maybe CF is having some problems. If you want, I can pm you my email that you can write to. I'll be praying for you!

 

[guardian]

dear living4him03, thanks for your kind,encouraging reply. i have tried several times to send you a pm,but unfortunately i can,t seem to send it without logging off from the site,when i log back on my pm message is deleted! its kinda frustrating. i am a nominal born again christian.i don,t go to a church at the moment though.the church were i was born again has now closed down. i will get down on my knees and pray for jesus to take over my life though. i guess that you are right that satan is using my problems with women to destroy me. i think that i am partly possesed by demonic forces,because i have been around alot very darkside people eg. protitutes,,violent types etc. i also when i was younger used to be interested in the occult. i am not interested in the occult anymore as i feel that satan really does use the occult to gain a hold over people. i don,t think that my reading soft core girly mags is very bad but obviously i will have to curb this habit if i ever start to date a real woman again. i do think visting call girls is very sinnfull on my part though and i,m really hoping to never do that again,although i did ring one up last week,as i felt tempted to degrade myself.i decided not in the end. thanks sooo much for your christian encouragement. bless you, guardian

 

[guardian]

Dear Living4him03, yes that must have been me who sent that pm labled unregistered i guess. it would be sooo great if you could pm me your email address so that we could talk in more detail. thanks so much for praying for me. guardian

 

[Living4Him03]

Congrads on resisting the temptation to call the call girl. Resisting temptation is one tough battle, and you always lose when you go it alone, thus the need for Jesus to step in and pick you up and carry you through it. From what you have said, it seems you have had a lot of hurt in your life, pain, and have bought satan's lies. Healing is definitely something you need and God will certainly heal you if you ask. Don't just ask Christ to take over your life because I said so, please do it because you realize how much He hates sin and hates to see you hurt and how so desperately He wants to be your All in All!!! I will send you my email address so that I can advise you more on your Christian walk and give you some resources that might be helpful Yes, the girly mags must go too, God cannot tolerate any sin and that is just the same as going to see a prostitute....the two sins have very different consequences, but they also are equal to God. Sin is sin to HIm and He is holy and perfect, so he can't tolerate any of it! I'll pm you.

 

[harmmony]

I am really going to be praying for you guardian. You have a lot of issues to deal with. I haven't been through your exact problems, but similiar. I am very familiar with your anger, I used to be so filled with rage that I would cut myself in an effort to get rid of it and there were other problems that I won't mention in here.

If I could give you some advice. Firstly, you need to stop being a nominal born again Christian and make a committment to God. I think you really need the support of other Christians at the moment so if you can you should see if you could find a church to go to. God is the only way you are going to get past this stuff and get peace in your life and I think you need some heavy duty prayer right now. Other than that, I am 100% here for you and I see that Living4Him is as well, so you have both of us to support you at any time. I just have a suggestion, if you are having problems with the PM perhaps you could try the sending an email option I would be happy to get email from you at my regular email address, if that doesn't work we'll figure out something else, even if I have to post my email address here for you I will so that you can contact me if you need. So, please don't hesitate.

I believe that God heals us in stages when we have really serious issues, that has been my experience. So, for now I wouldn't be so concerned about the magazines etc, you aren't going to prositiutes any more, so you are making progress. You are doing really well, that you faced that temptation last week and didn't give into it, so you should be pleased with yourself for the strength that you are gaining in Christ. In the future I think you will find that you have to give that up the mags as well, but not now, you have more important issues to deal with. Do not under any circumstances get into a relationship right now, firstly you don't have the right to mistreat another person and secondly, you need to concentrate on changing yourself so that eventually you can be in a healthy relationship.

There is some bad news, the kind of changes God needs to make in your life are not going to to happen over night, they will take time and comittment from you. By the way, I used to believe that I must be demon possessed to have so much rage inside and the things I used to think of doing with it and the trouble I had keeping it leashed used to terrify me, maybe I was, maybe I wasn't I don't know. But, I have since come to believe that rage like that usually starts with self hatred and then goes out from there. I think that you should give your Mum up to God and try and forgive her and then you need to forgive yourself for the things you've done in the past. Decide that you are making a new start in Christ. If you need any help with this please just talk to me, I will be here for you.

 

[guardian]

thanks living4him03 and harmony, thanks so much for both your replies.they are so encouraging. i sent an email to you living4him03,i don,t know if you recieved okay? thanks harmony for your understanting about the girly mags[i agree with you that now is not the time just yet to get rid of the girly mags] and everything esle.thanks to both of you for congradulating me for not visting the call girl last week. you seem like you know were i,m coming from. i,m sorry to hear about your rage and pain and how it lead you to cut yourself.i guess it would be good to find a good local church for support but as i,ve just recently moved into a new area i,m not quite sure where a good church is located yet. i,m really tired right now, so i,ll say thanks once again to both of you for your support and understanding .bye for now and god bless you both, guardian

 

[klewlis]

I strongly suggest that you find a church as soon as possible, and more than that, go talk to a pastor who can give you christian counsel and help you find other resources. I definitely think you need professional counselling--no, I am not saying you need a shrink, but that you need someone who can help you work through these issues. A relationships course would also be a good idea.

I would like to get one thing straight--pornography of any kind is still sexual exploitation and ultimately is not any better than prostitution. It may be better for *you* because of the difference on your end, but it is not better for the women who are involved--they are being exploited, plain and simple. It may be a slightly safer way (physically) than street prostitution... but don't ever think that "it's not hurting anyone".

And secondly, it is NEVER ok to beat your girlfriend. You justified it by saying that she threatened violence against you first. That is no excuse. And there is no excuse. Abuse is NEVER justified.

 

[guardian]

hi klewis, thanks for trying to help with your ideas about seeing a pastor and finding a church. i,ve just recently moved into a new area so i,m not real sure which church to join as of yet. thanks also for your positive imput about getting some counselling to work through these issues about women and the idea of a relaitonship course.the relaitionship course is a new idea to me but its sounds like it could be really helpfull for many people and not just me. i think i,ll look into that idea for my future. i see what you are saying that you think all pornogrphy is wrong and thats its exploitation. i think that generally i AGREE WITH YOU , but i also think that there are some distincktions to be made between hard core mags and videos and sofe core. the hard core porno shows women exposing there sex organs completely[labia minora,labia majora etc] just like they are visting a gyno clinic and also the guys are showen fully excited! i personally find these mags and videos souless and horrible and whenever i see them the word EXPLOITATION just screams out.however i personally enjoy watching soft core videos which don,t have such in your face exposure and which can be quite erotic.i also think that there is n,t that much wrong in looking at the naked form of an attractive young woman in beautifull scenery.i find this can be quite erotic and beautifull sometimes. generally though i agree with you that the whole porno business is built on greed and exploitation. please don,t think i,m defending the whole porno industry. also i think its worth pointing out that not all women in the sex industry feel that they are being exploited,some feel that they are being persecuted be middleclass and aged feminist types who have there own agenda in forcing women to conform to there rather limited view of womanhood. what you say about me beating my exgirlfriend.I AGREE that its unacceptable to hits ones girlfriend,which is why i said that I,M KEEEPING AWAY FROM LOVE RELAITIONSHIPS WITH WOMEN! i don,t want to hurt another woman either physically or emotionally. because i know very well that i,m fulkl of rage and confusion towards women thats why i don,t even attemp to date them anymore.so i,m trying to protect them from my rage and hate. sometimes i have felt sexually frustrated which is why ,as i have said i,ve visted hookers. by the way i was not making an excuse for hitting my girlfriend by saying that she threatened me first.i was simply trying to explain the circumstances of our involvment. however,when i stop to think about it now i remember that in the months before my first attack on her she actually hit me in a shopping mall because i wanted to go off on my own. she also threatened to actually throw the dinner plates in my face because i had n,t wased them up that but i decided to leave to the morning. i don,t care if you think i,m making excuses for hitting her,because you don,t know my exgirlfriend or me or the dynamics of our live together relaitionship. my girlfriend was not some dainty little girly,she was a strong[dominant], control freak with a great deal of her own hurt and rage. she and i would argue for hours on end and we would both wound each other by saying very cruel and really unkind things to each,eventually after hours of arguing i would say to her enough now,we have been arguing now for hours lets just go to different rooms and chill out,but my girlfriend would n,t stop she would go on and on for hours. yes i did hit her but i did in a controled way,i did n,.t do any lasting physical damage to her,if i,d allowed her to become the voilent one i don,t think she would have had any limits like me she once "jokingly" attemped to push me into a boiling hot bath and she also said she wanted to break my fingers etc.she also wanted to play some s&m type domination games were she wanted to tie me up and beat me with her belt and a cane. sometimes when along with these pretty sick sado-masochistic games because i wanted to keep her with me[at the time she was said she was looking for her own apartment and would soon be leaving me for ever.] she really enjoyed hurting me in these games.okay i know that i went along with the games but my point is my girlfriend was not exactly an angel and the real reason she left me was because when i started hitting her she suddenly realised that she was not the dominant partner ,i was! its all so confusing and complex ,which is why in the years since we ended, i,ve just been content to read the girly mags and occasionally vist a hooker.its not a very happy life and i do sometimes really yearn to meet a decent woman and get married but i,m also realistic enough to know that that might never happen for me.