Why don't women understand!

[SirKenin]

Koops,

Don't know you, but as another male member of the human race who has experienced the same things, my heart goes out to you. I get the impression from what I read that you are a genuine person who is seeking to honour God, and obey His will for your life and future relationships. Can I encourage to always keep that perspective. Use this time to get to know Him better and reaffirm his prominence in your life.

I disagree with those who have scoffed at some of the things put in place to protect your relationship. I was astounded at some of the callous remarks, and even an intimation that you had an intimate relationship with the girl. From what I could gather there was no hint of that and such comments were way out of order.

It is the devils lie to misrepresent attemps to safeguard a relationship as being domineering and controlling. If you seriously want to honour God in life and marriage, be sure to find someone who shares you enthusiasm, and appreciates your attempts to follow Him.

I liked the way that you agreed on some guide lines for relationships with the opposite sex. Scripture plainly teaches that the man is to be the head of the home, but that should be worked out in a spirit of love and consideration. I guess we blokes do not really understand how a woman feels when she is about to commit her life to someone. There must be a degree of foreboding for the chrisitan woman as she prepares to lose her independence.

I agree with comments we should be careful to remember that a fiance is not a wife, and adjust our expectations accordingly. Even after getting married, it takes some time to settle down and work out the roles God has intended. Don't know about you, but I don't like people bossing me around or trying to restrict my freedom, particularly if I suspect they don't really care about me. The golden rule 'do to others...' is a good one to remember.

lol

You can't force a woman to be with you if she doesn't want to be. Guidelines or no guidelines, which sounds funny in itself. You won't be safeguarding anything. Rather pushing her away. No amount of attempting to control her and hold on to her will make her want to spend more time with you or want to be with you at all. The woman needs and deserves to make the choice for herself. Koops case in point serves as example of how your strategy does not work.

Better to find out before you get married, because the problem isn't going to go away after, rather magnify. I've been through it and had a marriage disintegrate. Problems don't go away when you say "I do".

It's the devils lie to say that you hold on to a bird too tightly, it won't struggle to fly away. It's also the devils lie to say that other's are lying because they don't agree with you.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Besides the fact that that sucks for you, I don't see how anything wrong happened.

If it wasn't meant to be then roll with it.

 

[Micaiah]

It's the devils lie to say that you hold on to a bird too tightly, it won't struggle to fly away.

Agreed, if a woman (or man) make up their to leave, then it logically it can be hard to prevent. Only God can change the heart. However a mutual agreement to avoid situations that can lead to a break down of a relationship is wise. Each has to use their own discretion to decide how far they will go. Agreeing to avoid spending long periods of time alone with a member of the opposite sex other than your partner during courtship or after marriage and genly raising concerns when this is happening is a reasonable and appropriate safe guard.

(Actually, agreeing to avoid spending long periods of time alone with your fiance during courtship could be another good safe guard for other reasons.)

It's also the devils lie to say that other's are lying because they don't agree with you.

Satan is master at mirepresenting what is good. Those who oppose homosexuality are said to be discriminating and intolerant; those who oppose abortion are said to be restricting a woman's right to choice; men who take on board their Christian responsibilities in the home are labelled abusive or controlling, and so it goes on. Satan's used this ploy in the garden of Eden to deceive Eve, and convince her that God was somehow robbing her of something good.

 

[Koop]

Dr. Like i said before. I never pushed anything! As she chose to spend more time with someone, i told her how it made me feel and what i saw it was doing to our relationship. I never said you can't see this person or blah blah blah.... We both agreed to certain polocies because we wanted to be devoted to one another. I guess that just changed for her. Obvioulsy I let her do what she wanted and I eventualy let her leave. I never forced her into anything or tried to control her!

As for it not being meant to be and Mr. Cheese's comment. I'm not sure it wasn't meant to be, but it really doesn't matter anymore, because it's pretty obvious it's no longer what is meant to be, so I'm not going to worry about it. I'm moving on. That's what i wanted this thread to be about. How to move on. Anyone got some good advice on that one!?

 

[SirKenin]

Agreed, if a woman (or man) make up their to leave, then it logically it can be hard to prevent. Only God can change the heart. However a mutual agreement to avoid situations that can lead to a break down of a relationship is wise. Each has to use their own discretion to decide how far they will go. Agreeing to avoid spending long periods of time alone with a member of the opposite sex other than your partner during courtship or after marriage and genly raising concerns when this is happening is a reasonable and appropriate safe guard.

Placing rules upon each other, whether mutually agreeing or not, can never be healthy. It is up to the individual to respect their partner and to know appropriate boundaries. No matter how you look at it, placing rules on the other is control. We've seen in this thread how your strategy of placing rules on each other doesn't work. It accomplishes nothing but creating bitterness in the end, as you can see.

 

[seebs]

That's what i wanted this thread to be about. How to move on. Anyone got some good advice on that one!?

Find something else to do. Got any hobbies?

 

[Koop]

Ok so I'm not getting this one at all. Boundries are a bad thing? That disagrees with every dating/courtship/relatoionship book i've ever read. Most people (experts included) seem to say that healthy boundries are the key to a successful relationship. It would seem that, that would oust any form of comitment to one another at all. Do you feel it is wrong to be commited to someone? And i agree totaly placing rules on somone else is control..... But if the person chooses to submit to that rule and the person they submit to does not abuse it, how is it wrong? I know i never had any reservations about asking her before i spent alone time with another woman. I was happy to subit to her in that way. I wanted to see how she felt about it. If it made her feel uncomfortable we would have talked about it and i wouldn't have done it. Remember it was simply an ask first polocy and the answer was ALWAYS yes. It wasn't even much of a questoin so much as it was just letting the other person know.

With the bitterness.... I would be slightly bitter even if these rules were not in place, because the same outcome would have happend. She claims no bitterness twards me either, so i fail to see how the rules caused it at all. My bitterness stems from her not loving me enough to not want to follow the ruele. Not from her not following them.

 

[Koop]

Find something else to do. Got any hobbies?

Good call. I haen't worked on my project car in months... I've still been doing stuff, but not really working on my hobbies at all.

 

[~Wisdom Seeker~]

What woman out there is trustworthy?

She was perfect for me. God's true blessing in my life, but she left me unintentionaly for another man.

Always treat a person as if you believe that they have all the best and most honorable qualities of character and they will seldom if ever prove themselves unworthy of your high opinion. Unfortunately you created the "untrustworthy" scenario by putting conditions on your relationship to begin with. You in fact treated her as guilty long before she ever was.

Evidently she was not "perfect" for you. What you may believe to have been "God's true blessing" in your life may have just been one of God's lessons for you to learn. There is no such thing as leaving "unintentionally". She is responsible for her own choices and actions...as we all are.

If something is meant to be....it will be. And evidently....this relationship with this girl wasn't meant to be. So mourn for the loss of it. And try to glean the knowledge that it has given you without ill feeling. Then move on and be open to who God really has planned for you to be with, without being jaded or cynical.

 

[secretdawn]

Why don't women understand that a close male freindship is detrimental to your relationship with your signifigant other. I'm completely convinced now, that the reason my ex left me was because the doubts she started having were related to the guy she was getting to be very close friends with. She went and did things we had agreed not to do. She never cheated on me, but we had a no alone time polocy with freinds of the oposite sex, and she totaly threw that out the window! They spent more time together than she and i did. Now would you believe it or not, three weeks after we break up they are getting together. If she would have followed the rules we had agreed to and heeded my warnings of getting to close to this guy this never would have happend! She left me because her doubts spawned because she was emotionaly bonded to another man. What woman out there is trustworthy? Where is there a woman whom i can have faith in. I want someone i can count on forever. She was perfect for me. God's true blessing in my life, but she left me unintentionaly for another man. She was just too blind and nieve to see it comming. Oh Lord in all your creation can you show me one woman who will listen to her mans warnings, who will respect and honor him in everything. I died for her as Christ died for the church. I offered my life, just as Christ did to this woman. Why did she not honor me as the bible commands? Oh Lord show me a woman who will love me as i know i can love them. Please Lord relieve my pain, and show me this woman. I am ready to marry, and i know it is your will for me. Please don't let my desires go unanswered. Please give me this woman who is worthy of diying for. Lord I love you more than anything, but I ask for another to share my life with that I can share yours and my love with. Lord I plead with to answer these requests. In your mighty name.... Amen.

A close male friendship for a women is only detrimental to the relationship if:
1. Her boyfriend or husband is a jealous, possessive ape
2. She hungers for male attention in inappropriate manners and allows the relationship to become inappropriate
3. The relationship is doomed anyway (see 1 and 2)

Having a good male friend is good for women and vice versa...it allow you to see the other side. Plus tons of people just happen to become close, yet not romantically involved with the opposite sex...they aren't looking for it, but why turn away someone who could be a blessing in your life cause your gf or bf isn't secure enough to handle it.

 

[secretdawn]

Perhaps they are, but I am not. I am sure there is at least one woman out there who is not like this, but after this it will be so amazingly hard for me to trust any woman, even one who may be worthy of my trust. I nor my future wife deserved this. She deserves my trust, but how long will it take before i am ready to give it to her? This relationship lasted three wonderful years. All thrown away in a matter of three months. My ex served me and honored me very well up until this started. How can i have faith that the next woman I am with won't do the same thing when a cool guy comes along? What would poses a woman to so such a thing? Help me to understand please.

SERVED YOU! Did you really just say that dude....

 

[secretdawn]

I think some of you are misunderstanding a few things. We both agreed to these "rules". I wasn't pushing them or anything. They were decided upon mutualy.

Lizzy4Christ. She still claims that I was wonderful to her and that her leaving had nothing to do with me. I feel i served and honored her to the best of my abuilaty.

Drfeelgood, I agree with the control thing. I simply reminded her of the rules WE had set. We had an ask first polocy about spending alone time. We both always said yes. She stopped asking however. I never demanded she stop spending time with him or anything.

How did this thread get so far off topic? It's not about what people should do in this situation. It's about how i was hurt, and how can i move on and become trusting again. I'm sorry for generalising in my post about women as well. Also please note that i never made a claim that men don't or haven't done it too. I already stated that i'm sure there are women who don't do such things. Please either read all the posts or please listen to when people apologise or change their statments. Arg i wish never would have posted this. Why do things like this have to get so out of hand all the time?

Maybe nothing had to do with anything except that she wasn't ready for that kind of relationship. Or maybe you were good to here, but just not right for her. People tend to forget, sometimes things just don't work out. There isn't always a reason...they just don't.

 

[Warrior Poet]

Man I missed this thread. Darn.
Koop i can relate my wife left me over the same thing. I didnt have rules nor boundries or anything it was a trust on trust situation. Though she always thought I was cheating. I realised that I had my hand in her leaving wether you know it or not she wasnt getting something from you she was getting elsewhere. Maybe it was the physical stuff...emotionally you were dropping the ball....she didnt agree with rules and guidlines...there is something, the hard part here is trying NOT to understand. You cant figure it out, you cant make it better or change it. Its just not gonna happen. This is the best thing that happened to you my friend, she wasnt the One. You learned a hard yet good lesson outta all this you now have the oppertunity to apply that to a new realationship when the time presents itself. I feel for ya I really do, from your posts i can see you have a way with words, maybe not th right wording though. You dont serve them and they dont serve you, I know what you meant and where getting at but its a bad frame of mind when appraoching a relationship or another person in general. You are 20 years old and have good things in your life ahead of you let those guide you for the time being, alone time with just you isnt a bad thing, make a few rules and such for yourself and live up to those, then you will be a a state where even mutual rules will no longer be subject. Good luck to you my friend I feel your pain all to well....but I know your recovery will be very sweet.

Warrior Poet

 

[canehdianhotstuff]

Trust is part of a relationship, u have to be able to trust ur gf/bf to be honest with u. and i also speak from experience if a girl doesnt want to be with u give it time, if she thinks she may have been wrong she will come back, and u cant puch her away saying u moved on cuz what if ur wrong and she is God's chosen one for you. must always keep an open mind in a relationship.

and there are boundaries within a bf/gf relationship and God has set them, and then there are other for marriage, im sure u know them. and the question shouldnt be how close can we get to the line without crossing but how far away can we stay.

 

[Jamida]

I guess I'm probably going to sound a bit wierd after all the posts listed here. I'm right in the middle of everybody's opinion. I've had a guy friend since I was 16 and he has been like a big brother/confidante, etc. Then I met my husband and we actually talked openly about my friendship with Justin.

To me the key thing in a relationship is transparency. With a transparent relationship there can be no hiding. I don't believe it's right to even agree to not spend "alone" time with a person from the opposite sex. I don't think that's realistic nor fair. However, the "alone time" can be spent in a smart way, in that you meet alone in a public place. With my friendship with Justin, if he calls and wants to see a movie (my husband hates the theatre) I ask my husband if that's cool with him. If he's chill, then so am I. If he isn't then I tell Justin openly and Justin's like "hey, that's cool". Even Justin is aware of the communique between me and my husband and it makes for a very relaxed, stress free, great friendship.

I don't believe any one can forbid or expect your spouse/significant other to eliminate friendships with the opposite sex, I just think they should be handled carefully and under the guidance of Christ. And, good grief, if your marriage or relationship is insecure, then you oughtta be aware of that and CHOOSE to not add fuel to the fire.

 

[BabbleOn8806]

i think guidelines are good, so that you know what's acceptable in your relationship and what's not. you can't just "trust that the other person will do what's right" if they don't know what you think is appropriate and not appropriate
trust me, koops. there are some honest Christian gals out there, and God has the right one for you. Blessing, Brother!

 

[shania]

I noticed that you're 20 years old. Perhaps your girlfriend wasn't ready to make the kind of commitment that you both had agreed to but just didn't tell you. You both agreed to it, but did you ever talk to her later to see if she still agreed with asking permission to spend time with a member of the opposite sex?
I'm not saying it was your responsibility, she should have brought it up if she felt differently about things.
I won't say it was a good policy or it was a bad one. But the fact is that you want to have this kind of relationship with a woman that you trust. So it's good that you know now that either 1. she no longer agrees with limited contact with members of the opposite sex or 2. she backs out on her word or 3. she doesn't say everything on her mind and holds things back.
She clearly isn't that one for you, although you had a loving relationship for a certain period of time and things were good. Take this as a learning experience. You might do anything for her or love her like Christ loves the church, but if you do not value the same things and have the same views towards relationships, things will just not work out, no matter how much love there is. A relationship runs two ways. Be glad that God let you know that you had two diferent minds before you proposed or tied the knot.

 

[Islandboy]

Koop, my heart honestly breaks for you. From someone who has been hurt and betrayed in the past I know how hard it is, I truly do. You know that I share the same prayer for God to send me a godly man. It gets difficult to be patient but I also worry about the trust issues, but I am ready to serve and honor that special man God has for me.

I do not believe at all that your attitudes towards her friend drove her away. You were acting out in godly love trying to protect her feelings and guard her heart. Sometimes though the people we care about the most don't want to heed the warnings we give them, but she's an adult and knows what she is doing. It is no longer your obligation to guard and protect her even though it is admirable that you still care about her feelings as your sister in Christ. Sometimes things happen that we don't understand, things that we're not meant to understand. My prayer is that God will heal your heart and work quickly in your life in response to your prayers. I truly believe that with God's assistance, trust won't be an issue when you meet that special woman.

Just as an afterthought, I agree with you about the friendship thing. When we meet someone we're planning on spending the rest of our lives with, even though the ring isn't on our finger we are to still guard ourselves and our partner. I personally wouln't be hanging out with guy friends, plantonic or not, because I would expect my significant other to respect those boundaries. Not to mention, if the intent is to wed someday, what are you going to do? Continue an inappropriate friendship with a member of the opposite sex while you're married or just ditch them the day before your wedding? A true godly friend will understand the need for you to pull away when you are looking towards a future with someone. Seeing them at church and so forth is one thing, talking on the phone and hanging out all the time is quite another.

Koop, you may not want to hear this but maybe God put this guy in her life for a reason. Maybe God wanted to remove her from your life to make way for something even better. A relationship that you have earnestly been praying for. God knows the desires of your heart, He'll give you what you are praying for. God bless you.

Hello everyone!!! (new guy here)...

MsJones, this truely was beautiful... i am not joking, you should have this printed, some sort of decoration and framed!!! Blessings

Koop, sorry for your bad experience guy, hang in there in Jesus name.