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Why does this happen?

Living4Him03

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So a good Christian guy who is also a friend of mine called me up a few weeks ago and began calling me nearly every day. We would flirt and spent quite a bit of time together a few weekends ago. I thought we had a good time and thought he might be interested in dating at some point. BUT, he had recently broken up with this girl he was dating who he just thought was the ONE for him. After I helped him work on a paper he had due, I didn't hear from him for about two weeks. Nothing. Then, he wanted to talk to me last night. He was acting flirty again and said he enjoys my company and then went on to talk about how he is now just friends with this girl and he's not sure if she's the one the Lord has for him. He seems so fickle! While I don't mind being his friend, I do not want to play games. I don't even know if I want to date him. I have a lot of concerns about that prospect. I didn't really know how to respond to everything he was saying. I think it made him mad that I wasn't talking more, but I wasn't sure how to respond! Should I tell him what kind of impression he has given me? Why do guys do this?:scratch:
 

2scoops

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Well it sound as though he is on the rebound. It sounds like he still has issues with his ex. He is probably confused, wanted someone to talk with about it, and that was with you. If he was hurt by his ex, he probably was not thinking clearly.

The thing with that it is not just guys who do it. It seems like it those who get hurt by a relationship, and sometimes out of anger and jealousy, they think they need someone else. I guess the other person who is being stringed along, feels needed, because this other person is hurt and they are there for the damage control and everything seems to be going well, then the person seems to be distant. This is probably becuase they may start thinking a little more clearer.

I guess you are confused yourself, you don't know if he is looking for a relationship with you, and you do not even know if you are interested yourself. You may not even want to think about any kind of relationship because you think he is on the rebound. The best thing to do is pray about it. Give this guy good christian advice,tell him to seek the lord and pray about his worries. Sometimes when relationships end, it's best to get to know Jesus better.
 
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fluffy_rainbow

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My friend is like that. He is not on the rebound or anything, but he acts hot then cold. We hang out, we share Bible study notes, we occasionally worship together at church, we mildly flirt, but he just doesn't seem to want to be in a relationship with me because I'm not (physically) his "type". Sorry, but I'm not the 6' tall rail thin brunette modelesque type. Now if he could get over his shallow desires to have the "perfect woman" then there would be a possibility. He's definitely the type of man I could honor and serve in every capacity and we've been close friends for years and years. We know alot about one another. We've seen each other in all aspects of life from family interaction, in group settings, in casual settings, work (since we used to be co-workers for two years), church, Bible study, ministry work, etc. But, he won't let go of his fleshly desire to have the ideal woman and knowing him the way I do he probably won't ever get that kind of girl. Yes, he's attractive; however, he isn't the type of guy girls like that go for. He isn't rich, he has a kid, he isn't Mr. Personality. I don't know, in this case I think he just needs to lower his standards of ideal physical appearance just a tad. Even when we were working together and I was thinner than I am now, he was adamant that I wasn't his type. So adamant, in fact, that one night he and I went dancing and he told me the entire drive to the club "You know we're just going as friends, right? If we dance, I'm not touching you...okay?" I don't know if that was just a way of maintaining purity in a rather sexual setting (we don't do the "clubbing" scene anymore) or if he was trying to let me know under no uncertain terms was he going to allow me to be confused thinking he was attracted to me. He and I also used to do alot of DJ'ing together. He taught me how to spin and mix trance and breaks and we used to hang out at his friend's place and do that until 3am some nights.

Anyway, I swear I have a point to all of this. I think sometimes men in our lives who really treasure our friendship and feel some level of attraction towards us get spooked. Women tend to think romantically whereas men think rationally. They starting thinking about ruining the friendship and things like that. They're scared to take the plunge. But they always come running back to us, the gal pals, when another one of their relationships fall apart. Maybe, in a sense, we are the rebound girls anyway.
 
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Living4Him03

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I think that's irrational thinking, at least in my book. To lead someone on and then to treat them like they are not worth your time, that's ridiculous. That is not being a man. I just don't know if I can even stay friends with this guy. I really need to pray about it.
 
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Jakobray

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U know, I wonder if he realizes what he is doing? You could just be a really good friend to him and he flirts with you because of that. Also, it isn't just guys who do this. I've had tons of girls who acted ridiculously flirty for a while and then all of sudden stopped calling, stopped talking and then weeks later started up again. I think that it is probablyjust that he enjoys your company and is just trying to be playful. im not sure though, because heck I dont really understand relationships ;).
 
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Living4Him03

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It's just he's one of those guys that claims to love the Lord soooo much. He talks about how he thinks it's important to guard your heart and he even burned this sermon cd series for me about the song of solomon that talks about dating and courtship. Part of it is about not leading people on, guarding your heart, treating one another as brothers and sisters in Christ. Yet, he is acting like this. I want to call him on it, but at the same time maybe I'm just being hard on him. He is just so dense sometimes as to how he is coming across and it really bugs me!
 
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2scoops

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Living4Him03 said:
It's just he's one of those guys that claims to love the Lord soooo much. He talks about how he thinks it's important to guard your heart and he even burned this sermon cd series for me about the song of solomon that talks about dating and courtship. Part of it is about not leading people on, guarding your heart, treating one another as brothers and sisters in Christ. Yet, he is acting like this. I want to call him on it, but at the same time maybe I'm just being hard on him. He is just so dense sometimes as to how he is coming across and it really bugs me!
Sounds like you need to have a good talk with him. Do you want him to ask you out?
 
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Living4Him03

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I just want him to be honest. I don't like being around someone that acts like they are interested in dating me one minute and then doesn't the next and completely ignores me. I have never asked him to date me or hinted at it...he has done all the pursuing. I would like a better friendship with him. But, I don't want one of us to end up getting hurt, and I know that will happen if there isn't some sort of clarification of what's going on with us at some point. I guess I do need to have a talk with him, but it can wait for later I need to take a nap!
 
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jenptcfan

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Living4Him03 said:
So a good Christian guy who is also a friend of mine called me up a few weeks ago and began calling me nearly every day. We would flirt and spent quite a bit of time together a few weekends ago. I thought we had a good time and thought he might be interested in dating at some point. BUT, he had recently broken up with this girl he was dating who he just thought was the ONE for him. After I helped him work on a paper he had due, I didn't hear from him for about two weeks. Nothing. Then, he wanted to talk to me last night. He was acting flirty again and said he enjoys my company and then went on to talk about how he is now just friends with this girl and he's not sure if she's the one the Lord has for him. He seems so fickle! While I don't mind being his friend, I do not want to play games. I don't even know if I want to date him. I have a lot of concerns about that prospect. I didn't really know how to respond to everything he was saying. I think it made him mad that I wasn't talking more, but I wasn't sure how to respond! Should I tell him what kind of impression he has given me? Why do guys do this?:scratch:
It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. He's still at a point where he's trying to figure out if his recent breakup was the right thing or not, and you don't need to be mixed up in that. You'll just get hurt by his fickleness (good word, btw!). Sounds like he needs some time to figure out exactly what direction he needs to go.

just my .02.
 
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Jakobray

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jenptcfan said:
It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. He's still at a point where he's trying to figure out if his recent breakup was the right thing or not, and you don't need to be mixed up in that. You'll just get hurt by his fickleness (good word, btw!). Sounds like he needs some time to figure out exactly what direction he needs to go.

just my .02.


I don't know. My question to this whole thing is, has he ever actually asked you out? I don't know if its that hes being fickle or if he doesn't actually realize what he's doing. Don't jump to immediate conclusions about him. Us guys, we tend to have an incredibly large blind spot as to the possible meanings behind our actions. Hes probably a great guy, careful not to judge so quickly.
 
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cbudc

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Sounds like he's defineatly on the rebound. That's usually what tends to happen. They flirt and hang out and make it apparent that they like you. They do this to know they have a "fall back" person. Then when they don't call it's most likely they have made some kinda progress or reconciliation with the ex. It's hard, I know but just be tough. Don't get yourself in to a jam.
 
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JPPT1974

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People tend to flirt with others that are single and not even dating as well as not have any children. But they stop flirting when they realized that person is going to be taken like in be wed. Look at it like that my friends.
 
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Living4Him03

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First of all, it's not a double standard. I don't go around flirting with him trying to give him the impression I know I want to date him when I'm not sure about it. That's different than not being sure about dating someone, but acting as if you want to date them anyway, just for kicks. I mean, maybe I'm just nuts, but yesterday he was asking me what I'm doing this weekend. Well, I thought he was just asking me because he wanted to know what I was going to be up to...I didn't read it as being anything more than that. Then, after I responded, he asked me what I was going to do after church Sunday and would I be busy. I responded again and asked him what he was doing. He said he'd just be relaxing. See, now to me, it seemed as though he wanted to find out what I was doing to see if I would be free to hang out or something.:scratch:
 
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OhhJim

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You don't know if you want to date him.

He doesn't know if he wants to date you.

Where is the mystery?

As a woman, you can sit there and quietly mind your own business, and not know if you want to date him. As men, we have to do SOMETHING in order to keep our options open. Maybe he sort of wants to date you, but sort of doesn't, and doesn't want to do anything stupid in the meantime. He's keeping his options open, while he's not sure.

You could always ask him what's up. You know, talk with your mouth? He'll probably get scairt and run away, but it would resolve the issue.
 
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JPPT1974

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But also you don't want to flirt with a married man for fears of that person being taken or married. Or in fact do your best to flirt with him when he is already taken. I mean don't get me wrong. Just don't flirt because in a wierd and strange kind of way, that could fall into like sexual harrassment or break up that person's marriage and/or relationship.
 
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Living4Him03

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HE'S NOT MARRIED. He has never been married. I said nothing about him being married in the OP. Please read the OP carefully before responding :)

Anyway, I just don't want to be pursued just to be let down later. I am almost sure that would happen if he keeps acting the way he does. Maybe I should give him a chance. I had a missed call from him on my cell but he didn't call me back after I returned his call. I don't get why if he wants to hang out sunday after church that he doesn't just say it. He has done this before. He will beat around the bush til the bush is wilted over and then he will finally tell me he wants to hang out. It's really frustrating.
 
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kelco

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Just today got out of a relationship like that. It was so frustrating and painful. My advice is DON'T. It's not worth the time, effort and pain involved. Let him be fickle with someone else, and save your emotions for someone who is worthy of your attentions.
 
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