Why do some Christian husbands refuse to defend their wives?

[sioleabha]

example: My wife just had a baby 5 months ago and is trying to lose weight because she is not the weight she wants to be at. Her parents tell her that she's fat to her face and that she needs to lose weight. Then they say that they love her and thats why they tell her that, and if I don't say the smae thing, that I must be lying (this is of course when I'm not around)

In addition to the other responses, I think you should make it a point to tell your wife how beautiful she is right in front of her parents. Tell her how lucky you are, and how grateful you are for all she went through to have your baby. Do this often.

And of course, do it just as often when her parents are not around.

BTW, please don't think all men from the South are like that. Most of us Southerners teach our sons to respect women, even their daughters.

--------------------
Michelle
The Mommy Database
#!/usr/bin/mom

let's have some new cliches.
-- samuel goldwyn

 

[IslandBreeze]

I would like to hear from others, especially men, who can explain why an otherwise godly man would allow his relatives to treat his wife in an overbearing, inconsiderate way on a regular basis.

Granted that sometimes it's the wife's parents who are the difficult in-laws. But it always seemed to me that wives are especially vulnerable to in-law abuse, because we tend to look to our husbands for leadership. If the husband is unwilling to stand up to his parents or siblings, a submissive wife ends up feeling that she has no choice but to accept shabby treatment from them. Why would a Christian husband be more willing to watch his wife suffer, than to risk offending his parents?

I don't blame my husband. I blame his family. This is about the only area my husband and I have issues with. He's a mama's boy in the worst sense, and it has caused us major, major problems since we've been married. We happen to live on her way home from work and she makes a habit of stopping in almost daily. Or she did until I put my foot down. But I don't blame my husband for her behavior. I blame her. She has a rotten marriage (her own fault--she constantly talks down to her husband and treats him like a dog) and I think that she looks to my husband (her firstborn son) to fulfill her emotionally what she can't get from her husband. And I know that he doesn't stand up to her because he'd rather die than hurt her feelings. I know he never will put me above his mother--never, ever. I actually asked him once if he had to save one of our lives who he'd choose and he absolutely refused to answer the question. And rather than fret about it (even though I still do on occasion), I just try to deal with it, and let her know when she's crossed the line and is around too much and becomes overbearing. He's not going to defend me and our home, so I have to do it myself.

 

[Gabriel]

HI Cammie!

I would say that a man most certainly should put his wife above all others, even his mommy. THe Word of God tells us to leave our mothers and fathers and cleave to one another, becoming one. I am very blessed to have a mother who is a saint and wouldn't dream of being disrespectful to my wife. If she did she would find herself in a firm yet loving conversation with me about her role in my house and her biblical responsibility to nuture my wife as a young woman in Christ. For those of you who are upset about taking the back seat to mom, you have every right to be.

Off topic: For those of you bashing biblical submission again. You speak out against the very word and command of God when you speak out against submission and I have but one question to ask. Assuming that you believe that the Word of God is true and is meant for all His children, how do you pick and choose what pleases you and live a Christian life in good conscience?

Biblical submission is commanded and bears with it a great responsibility to the husband. If this relationship is lived out according to biblical standards, this submission should bring great comfort and intimacy. I really think that those of you who oppose it are looking at it from a worldview and are completely unschooled in the biblical view of it.

 

[pegatha]

Gabriel, I really appreciate what you said here. When I started this thread, I was a little worried that it would be minsinterpreted as male-bashing, which was not my intent. It took me completely by surprise when the hot-button issue turned out to be the concept of submission.

I can't help wishing that the Bible translators had found a different word to use. For many people, "submission" conjures up images of some pathetic person with a neurotic craving to be oppressed. Nothing could be further from the truth. But I'm at a loss to think of a single word that sums up Biblical submission in its fullness.

 

[Funkmd]

Ephesians 5:24-25
But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,

Reading this passage we see that God intends for the husband to love their wives as Christ loves the church.

lets have a look at how Christ loves his bride.....

Isaiah 62:1
For Zion's sake I will not keep silent, And for Jerusalem's sake I will not keep quiet, Until her righteousness goes forth like brightness, And her salvation like a torch that is burning.

Matthew 11:12
"From the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and violent men take it by force.

WHOA!!!! look out. This is how I am supposed to war for my bride? This is how I'm supposed to protect her and fight for her?


This is the kind of fire and fury that is so often overshadowed by Jesus' "meek and mild" persona we see in our depictions of him in pictures we have at church or sitting around our house. Sure Jesus is like mother theresa, healing the sick and showing compasion wherever he went, but he's also like William Wallace, storming the stockade gates and sparing no prisoners when his bride is threatened/assaulted.


I used to be that worthless schlub of a man, that wouldn't take up for his wife. I remember one time I let something slide that shouldn't, and it hurt me so bad. I promised myself I would never let anything ever happen to her in my prescence or away go unconfronted again. She needs that, she needs to know she is worth fighting for.


Saddly, this is all too common for a lot of men, satan's assault on a man's heart starts from childhood, with the goal being, to take away his true name, that of the image bearer of God and the fierce warrior (Ex 15:3 "The LORD is a warrior; The LORD is His name.") that he was and is still today. Every man has a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue, it's the very nature of God himself, enstilled in us. Read his story, it's all about it.


a good book for you ladies (and men more so) to read is Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. It should clue you in to why your man won't stand up for you and can't offer you his strength. It is because he is scared of who he is and what the answer might might be if he ever asked......"Do I have what it takes?" "Am I a real man?" He's been stripped of his name since birth and he beleives the lies he's been told for so many years to keep him in slavery so that he cannot fulfill his calling and place in the battle.






~Tropper

 

[Lilac]

I would like to hear from others, especially men, who can explain why an otherwise godly man would allow his relatives to treat his wife in an overbearing, inconsiderate way on a regular basis.

Granted that sometimes it's the wife's parents who are the difficult in-laws. But it always seemed to me that wives are especially vulnerable to in-law abuse, because we tend to look to our husbands for leadership. If the husband is unwilling to stand up to his parents or siblings, a submissive wife ends up feeling that she has no choice but to accept shabby treatment from them. Why would a Christian husband be more willing to watch his wife suffer, than to risk offending his parents?

Please understand that I'm not talking about all husbands, and I'm not talking about the occasional misunderstanding or irritation. I'm talking about genuinely unreasonable, self-centered people who take advantage of a young wife's gentleness and loyalty. I know of several women who've struggled with this, but they've generally been made to feel guilty and unspiritual when they complain. What is really going on in a man's head when he sees his parents acting this way?

Basically, I think because the man is a wimp and does not have a backbone! Also because he has never learned to speak up to him mom--often times this carries over to marriage, where his mother is controlling and domineering, therefore the man is totally intimidated by her. If he has ties to his parents still, even after marriage in any way, financial, or otherwise, he could also be afraid of being disinherited......all the same it still boils down to one thing--because he is a wimp. I think a real man would not ever let this happen--rather he would know how to leave, cleave and defend his wife to the end.

There are many books out there to help a man with just this issue!

 

[Lilac]

I don't blame my husband. I blame his family. This is about the only area my husband and I have issues with. He's a mama's boy in the worst sense, and it has caused us major, major problems since we've been married. We happen to live on her way home from work and she makes a habit of stopping in almost daily. Or she did until I put my foot down. But I don't blame my husband for her behavior. I blame her. She has a rotten marriage (her own fault--she constantly talks down to her husband and treats him like a dog) and I think that she looks to my husband (her firstborn son) to fulfill her emotionally what she can't get from her husband. And I know that he doesn't stand up to her because he'd rather die than hurt her feelings. I know he never will put me above his mother--never, ever. I actually asked him once if he had to save one of our lives who he'd choose and he absolutely refused to answer the question. And rather than fret about it (even though I still do on occasion), I just try to deal with it, and let her know when she's crossed the line and is around too much and becomes overbearing. He's not going to defend me and our home, so I have to do it myself.

Hi Cammie:

Wow--I can REALLY relate to your post above!

However, I don't think a woman can blame it all on the family our husbands come from -- as they do have a choice--and they do have to choose to overcome whatever obstacles there are in their marriage don't you think? They are still responsible for their choices. Otherwise people right and left would just be blaming all their problems on their families of origin and never taking any responsibility for their lives.

Most of the time though, I too, have had to be the one to set the boundaries with the in-laws, rather than my husband. But alot of times, I'll set them, and then tell him to make the phone call or whatever......this seems to work--like "No, we are busy tomorrow night".....or"Please call first before you pop over"........

 

[kittykat1234]

I just finished reading most of this thread. I am currently in a pretty bad situation with my husband and his brother & his brother's wife. We are living together in the same house. Since we moved in I have been going through cases of depression, wild mood swings. And it's all pretty much because I don't feel that my husband has been there for me the way he should be. Even after I told him how I feel and after coming with me to only 2 sessions of marriage counseling with me, he responds to my problem with "you feel bad because you want to feel bad" when in my perspective, I feel alot of resentment towards me from them. Even when I make the best effort to talk to them or get along with them, I just get this vibe that they don't like me. And I guess I can handle them not liking me, but because my husband can not make the desicion that it's me or them, our marriage is having major problems. My parents liked him, up until they noticed that I was looking a walking stick. And they want to have a talk with him to help him see what he's doing to me, but they also feel that it will probably make our marriage worse if they give their opinion. I've been putting this in the Lord's hands, and now I have ugly feelings towards my husband. I love him and I feel I've been fair in the sense that I left everyone I loved for him. But he won't do the same for me and it's very painful. You can't force it on him. But what is it going to take for him to decide?

 

[Crofter]

kittykat... you married him not his relatives. I could not be happy at all living with any of my relatives...in fact I couldn't even spend one night with some of them. You can do so much.. but how you feel in this situation is normal and most women would feel just the same... so feeling this way is not a reflection on you. So living like this is not healthy for you and you will not be able to suddenly find it is... so the situation needs to change one way or another.

xx

 

[pegatha]

(My parents) want to have a talk with him to help him see what he's doing to me, but they also feel that it will probably make our marriage worse if they give their opinion.

How would it make it worse if your parents talked to your husband? Would he retaliate in some way? It hardly seems fair that his relatives can make you feel unwelcome, but yours can't say anything to him. If I were in your position, I'd let my parents defend me if they wanted. Right now no one's holding him to account for how he lets you be treated.