Why do so many Christian marriages seem unhappy?

[LinkH]

I've noticed among my friends that many of them seem less happy after they get married. Some say their husbands don't romance them anymore and the guys tend to say the woman gets disinterested in sex, especially after they have a kid. I want to get married but I don't want to be miserable. Are some or most of you happy with being married as Christians?

How many of these friends of your log onto the Married Couples forums on CF to get marriage advice? That might do it.

 

[k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe]

Sin.

It makes the world an unhappy place.

 

[JaneFW]

I've noticed among my friends that many of them seem less happy after they get married. Some say their husbands don't romance them anymore and the guys tend to say the woman gets disinterested in sex, especially after they have a kid. I want to get married but I don't want to be miserable. Are some or most of you happy with being married as Christians?

Your marriage will be your marriage. It's not dependent on what happens in other marriages, or what people tell you is happening in their marriages, and certainly not what "seems" like less happiness. If you are working on being the right husband for your wife, as well as searching for the 'right wife', then you are off to a good start. Be the Christian man, search for the Christian woman, start from there. Be sure that you are absolutely honest about your expectations, and listen to hers. Make sure you can meet hers, and that the marriage you are talking is a marriage you can walk!

When people lie ahead of marriage, this imo is what causes the biggest problems after marriage. Even if it means showing your darker/less holy side, tell her the truth. And encourage her to do the same. Get pre-marital counseling and tell the truth. Get ready to work on anything that needs to get fixed.

 

[Johnnz]

We are strongly influenced by romantic ideals, which are not altogether biblical. These can lead to false hopes and unrealistic expectations. When these are unmet people become negative about their marriages.

Superficial teaching about marriage and the Christian life don't make for good living either. Nor does holding unhealthy views about sex.

John
NZ

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Kinda like what he said above me. People go into marraige thinking its going to be like some Romance Novel. They aren't expecting what they find. Then when they realize what marraige really is they get depressed about it.

It also doens't help when your christian because you each my have diffrent views on things. Which will put a major wrench in the gears. It why its good to find someone who almost perfectly lines up with you when it comes to beliefs. If not then things will become hard.

Perhaps the hardest thing is a LONG marriage. People seem to think you will be happy 100% fo the time until you both turn 100 and die. But its not the case. Its been shown that most people feel the "love" go away after a few years of marriage. That spark you first had fades after awhile as you become used to each other. If you don't work on keeping that spark going then the marraige might end up getting worse.

 

[JaneFW]

It's why its good to find someone who almost perfectly lines up with you when it comes to beliefs. If not then things will become hard.

I think this might be as hard to find as the Disney fairtyale romance marriage. Nobody is ever going to "perfectly line up with you." You have to read scripture and discuss what it means and leave some room for flexibility. Sure, believing in the one God, Jesus Christ, redemption, mercy, grace - great. But that lining up? It tends to take time, patience, lots of prayer, and give and take, and not you always taking and her always giving or vice versa.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Well yeah, therse no such thing as a perfect marraige. My fiance is perfect for what I always wanted and God even made her better in alot of ways. The flaws she does have do not matter to me. I've always been good at ignoring peoples flaws, especially when it comes to love. Because if you spend to much time nit picking everything wrong with someone, you will never find love.

God will give us what we need exactly when we need it in terms of love. I know he did for me and all honesty I didn't think he would for a long time. Nothing is impossible through God! Praise the Lord!

 

[Ceili]

Saved or not, I think people put on their best face when dating. They idealize their future mate and that marriage is a return to Eden. Then you wake up after the wedding to find a person beside you that as faults just like you do; it wasn't the cure-all to all your needs. Also the haze of romance dissipates and you see each other warts and all. NOW, you have a decision to make:

Leave them.

Try to change them.

Accept and love them---this is your call and often is not so glorious as the goo-goo gaa-gaa stage of courtship. What was new and cute becomes old and annoying as the glamour fades. Then, THEN, a baby comes along and sleepless nights REALLY make you look downtrodden.

This all looks gloomy, right? Actually, it opens our world up to loving someone deeper than we've ever loved before. It grows our heart. And children, which is work, opens your heart ever wider. Marriage may not look so great from the outside but God has blessed it and the rewards are many!!

Your post I can relate to most. It is a hard road to follow. I am at the accept stage right now and single people need to realize that marriage changes everyone. I mean some for the better and some for the not so great. I think if you look at someone's parents or the relationship your future spouse's parents had it will indicate how this man/woman will be.

 

[dallasapple]

I havent read the whole thread..I just wanted to make a comment..lately what I have noticed isnt that "so many Christian "marriages" are unhappy..in fact a "marriage" isnt a "being"..not a livign being..marraige is TWO SEPERATE PEOPLE..what I have noticed..is so many UNHAPPY PEOPLE..married..single..young... old..Crhistian non Christian ..just people PERIOD seem miserable more so than not.More often than not..and in large #'s..No one(not litterally just seems few) is skipping down the sidewalk whistling dixie and stopping to smell the roses it seems..

Im happy though..I had a physical yesterday and I had the Dr. write IN MY RECORDS that Im reporting to be in general "happy"..

And since my marriage isnt a "person" I guess I cant say that my marraige is "happy"..I can say Im happy and Im going to do everything I can to continue to be so..regardless of my "marriage"..my husband can be happy with me..or if he wants to be miserable then thats his choice too but he can get away from me while he does it....but ..that wont stop me..Im a seperate individual..

Dallas

 

[JaneFW]

Well yeah, therse no such thing as a perfect marraige. My fiance is perfect for what I always wanted and God even made her better in alot of ways. The flaws she does have do not matter to me. I've always been good at ignoring peoples flaws, especially when it comes to love. Because if you spend to much time nit picking everything wrong with someone, you will never find love.

God will give us what we need exactly when we need it in terms of love. I know he did for me and all honesty I didn't think he would for a long time. Nothing is impossible through God! Praise the Lord!

I'm happy for you. I hope that you and your future wife have a wonderful marriage.