Why do so many Christian marriages seem unhappy?

[Gabe7]

I've noticed among my friends that many of them seem less happy after they get married. Some say their husbands don't romance them anymore and the guys tend to say the woman gets disinterested in sex, especially after they have a kid. I want to get married but I don't want to be miserable. Are some or most of you happy with being married as Christians?

 

[Texan40]

I've noticed among my friends that many of them seem less happy after they get married. Some say their husbands don't romance them anymore and the guys tend to say the woman gets disinterested in sex, especially after they have a kid. I want to get married but I don't want to be miserable. Are some or most of you happy with being married as Christians?

I lived most of my married life believing in God, but not really accepting what it is to be a Christian. I went so far as to specifically try to steer my wife away from people I thought were "too churchy" in an attempt to avoid having that in my life. Since my wife and I have embraced Christ and what/who he is we finally have a stable and loving relationship. Most of the unhappiness you see cannot be attributed to being Christian but simply being human. We want what we cannot have and it sometimes distracts us from the blessings we have already been given. We are selfish creatures and embrace hurt feelings from our spouses actions instead of lovingly searching for what might lead them to the actions in the first place. I think that people who truly want to be more like Christ would find it an open policy in their lives and married life.

 

[dayhiker]

I think Christianity can help in many ways. Especially if the couple is really being abusive to each other.

If the couple is legalistic in their approach to Christianity then the conflicts can can cause when they face the reality of the world can yield quite a bit of conflict that will make then unhappy.

my view

 

[Gabe7]

I think Christianity can help in many ways. Especially if the couple is really being abusive to each other.

If the couple is legalistic in their approach to Christianity then the conflicts can can cause when they face the reality of the world can yield quite a bit of conflict that will make then unhappy.

my view

Did Jesus talk about not being legalistic when it comes to living according to scripture? It seems like people use it as a buzz word for not having to do something the Bible says they should probably be doing. I'm wary of such things. I'm inclined to think that when people don't follow scripture they end up with specious reasons to leave their marriages or otherwise engage in behavior that is harmful to themselves and their relationships.

 

[FaithPrevails]

I think a lot of people in general aren't happy in marriage - not just b/c they are Christian. We think being a Christian is supposed to make it better/easier but that is a misconception, IMO. We are still flawed creatures that make mistakes and can be insensitive/selfish. It's difficult to do the right thing and requires a conscious effort to be made. Often in relationships, people go into rote mode and just function rather than consciously focusing on nurturing themselves, their SO/spouse and the relationship.

 

[mkgal1]

Did Jesus talk about not being legalistic when it comes to living according to scripture? It seems like people use it as a buzz word for not having to do something the Bible says they should probably be doing. I'm wary of such things. I'm inclined to think that when people don't follow scripture they end up with specious reasons to leave their marriages or otherwise engage in behavior that is harmful to themselves and their relationships.

Jesus DID talk about not being legalistic when it comes to living according to Scripture. Every interaction He had with the Pharisees was about that.

The Pharisess were experts at the religious law....and really about using that to find loopholes...instead of understanding the heart of God.

 

[Gabe7]

Jesus DID talk about not being legalistic when it comes to living according to Scripture. Every interaction He had with the Pharisees was about that.

The Pharisess were experts at the religious law....and really about using that to find loopholes...instead of understanding the heart of God.

The Pharisees were hypocrites and that was what made Jesus mad at them.

 

[mkgal1]

The Pharisees were hypocrites and that was what made Jesus mad at them.

Jesus called them hypocrites because they portrayed themselves as righteous (because of how they "obeyed" the law--but, they also worked in their own loopholes and their own traditions). They were concerned with outward obedience....and God is concerned with internal obedience...

1 Then the Pharisees and some of the scribes came together to Him, having come from Jerusalem. 2 Now when[a] they saw some of His disciples eat bread with defiled, that is, with unwashed hands, they found fault. 3 For the Pharisees and all the Jews do not eat unless they wash their hands in a special way, holding the tradition of the elders. 4 When they come from the marketplace, they do not eat unless they wash. And there are many other things which they have received and hold, like the washing of cups, pitchers, copper vessels, and couches.
5 Then the Pharisees and scribes asked Him, “Why do Your disciples not walk according to the tradition of the elders, but eat bread with unwashed hands?”
6 He answered and said to them, “Well did Isaiah prophesy of you hypocrites, as it is written:


‘ This people honors Me with their lips,
But their heart is far from Me.
7 And in vain they worship Me,
Teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.’[b]

8 For laying aside the commandment of God, you hold the tradition of men[c]—the washing of pitchers and cups, and many other such things you do.”
9 He said to them, “All too well you reject the commandment of God, that you may keep your tradition. 10 For Moses said, ‘Honor your father and your mother’;[d] and, ‘He who curses father or mother, let him be put to death.’[e] 11 But you say, ‘If a man says to his father or mother, “Whatever profit you might have received from me is Corban”(loophole)—’ (that is, a gift to God), 12 then you no longer let him do anything for his father or his mother, 13 making the word of God of no effect through your tradition which you have handed down. And many such things you do.”

 

[citizenthom]

People who are miserable in marriage seem to me to fall into two categories: 1.) people who didn't take it seriously before they got married, and 2.) people who don't take it seriously now. Marriage takes hard work, not just "love." Marry someone who does not have a commitment to working at it, and you're not going to receive the blessings of marriage. Refuse to work at it yourself and you're going to be miserable.

Approach marriage seriously and solemnly, with lots of preparation, searching questions, and a real willingness to call the wedding off if problems come to light that need to be solved, and you can control a lot of problems on the front end.

Then, wake up every day and remind yourself the duties you owe your spouse, the commandments God gives you toward him/her, and actually do it without griping, and you'll be blessed. Happy? Not all the time. But blessed, and in the aggregate happier.

 

[Niffer]

I find its more difficult to be married and a Christian.
Mostly because the entire marriage isn't about you or your spouse. It has to be about keeping Christ center.
That doesn't (or shouldn't, rather) leave a lot of room for self-centeredness and selfishness.
Also, I hope that most Christian marriages really have the desire to "make it work" and try to really fix those problems that most people would walk away from...have an "amicable" divorce, because neither was willing to compromise.

In a Christian marriage, we're called to different roles - women being submissive to their husbands, while husbands have to love their wives sacrificially, and need to not only be the head of the home, but love her like Christ loved the church.
THAT is a huge calling on a Christian husband - and it's difficult for many men to carry alone (hence his wife being his help-meet....buuut we don't need to get into that now. )

Remi and I were young when we got married, not horribly young (21/24) but young enough.
However, at that age I was ready and willing to devote myself to my husband and our marriage for better or for worse, until death do we part.
There is no way I'd back out of that commitment unless it's an absolute LAST resort.

Things get tough...well! *shrug* They're going to - but you stick it out.
You annoy the heck outta each other sometimes? ..It's going to happen.
Sex life isn't the euphoric-constant-high you imagined? It's reality.

Any one of those reasons are now good enough to divorce over, but I believe in sticking to my vows, just like Remi does.
And the ONLY way we're going to be able to have the happy marriage I want, is if we keep Christ center - as soon as we step off that path, we're in trouble.

Marriage is tough. Christian marriage imho is tougher.

Peace,
- Niffer

 

[mkgal1]

Approach marriage seriously and solemnly, with lots of preparation, searching questions, and a real willingness to call the wedding off if problems come to light that need to be solved, and you can control a lot of problems on the front end.

Then, wake up every day and remind yourself the duties you owe your spouse, the commandments God gives you toward him/her, and actually do it without griping, and you'll be blessed. Happy? Not all the time. But blessed, and in the aggregate happier.

I find its more difficult to be married and a Christian.

Mostly because the entire marriage isn't about you or your spouse. It has to be about keeping Christ center.
That doesn't (or shouldn't, rather) leave a lot of room for self-centeredness and selfishness.
And the ONLY way we're going to be able to have the happy marriage I want, is if we keep Christ center - as soon as we step off that path, we're in trouble.

Marriage is tough. Christian marriage imho is tougher.

Peace,
- Niffer

 

[ImperialPhantom]

People (and in my opinion Christians especially) go into marriage with large mental checklists of things that, in their head, define the "ideal marriage" or the "perfect marriage/spouse" - a very, very rigid plan that totally ignores the fact that life changes people and relationships and handicaps the couple's ability to roll with the punches and adapt to life itself and to each other's traits, quirks and idiosyncrasies. Throw away the checklist and stop overthinking marriage if you want to really enjoy marriage and be successful.

 

[iambren]

Saved or not, I think people put on their best face when dating. They idealize their future mate and that marriage is a return to Eden. Then you wake up after the wedding to find a person beside you that as faults just like you do; it wasn't the cure-all to all your needs. Also the haze of romance dissipates and you see each other warts and all. NOW, you have a decision to make:

Leave them.

Try to change them.

Accept and love them---this is your call and often is not so glorious as the goo-goo gaa-gaa stage of courtship. What was new and cute becomes old and annoying as the glamour fades. Then, THEN, a baby comes along and sleepless nights REALLY make you look downtrodden.

This all looks gloomy, right? Actually, it opens our world up to loving someone deeper than we've ever loved before. It grows our heart. And children, which is work, opens your heart ever wider. Marriage may not look so great from the outside but God has blessed it and the rewards are many!!

 

[dayhiker]

mkgal1,
You make my point so well. Thanks

I've switched from obey the scriptures to fulfill the law of God by loving God and people. I fell so much closer to God and people when I start there. There were 3 times in my life where I start being legalistic or actually became legalistic and each time was a period of distance between me and God and I don't think anyone wanted my scriptural advice then either. The knew it wasn't good advice.

 

[contango]

I've noticed among my friends that many of them seem less happy after they get married. Some say their husbands don't romance them anymore and the guys tend to say the woman gets disinterested in sex, especially after they have a kid. I want to get married but I don't want to be miserable. Are some or most of you happy with being married as Christians?

An awful lot of people think of their wedding day as the destination and from the moment they say "I do" everything will be sunshine and roses. Unfortunately when you take your wedding vows there are the inconvenient parts to consider as well - "for poorer", "in sickness", "for worse" as well as their better counterparts. It's easy to overlook the idea that entering into such a covenant with another person may well end up becoming a liability when seen from a purely selfish perspective.

Of course the world presents marriage as something that should be perfect all the time and if it ever ceases to be perfect you can just walk away into the arms of the new Mr/s Perfect and have another go. The world gives us the impression that we have an automatic entitlement to be satisfied with every part of our life and that any part of our life that isn't just how we want it can be pruned off the way we might prune a plant.

So it's hardly surprising that a lot of people are unhappy when the life they thought would be forever perfect turns out to be forever real. I'm not sure I'd say Christians are more or less prone to unhappiness when they realise that a successful marriage takes work, although certainly I'd hope Christians would be less quick to divorce and as a consequence of that would arguably be more prone to remain unhappy for the long term.

When I look at my own marriage there are times my wife annoys the heck out of me, and if you asked her she'd say the exact same about me. But despite all that neither of us would want to be without the other. So on that basis, yes, I am happy being married (as a Christian man married to a Christian woman, although neither of us were Christians when we got married). My life isn't perfect and probably never will be this side of heaven, but it would be a lot less perfect without my wife in it.

 

[mkgal1]

mkgal1,
You make my point so well. Thanks

I've switched from obey the scriptures to fulfill the law of God by loving God and people. I felt so much closer to God and people when I start there. There were 3 times in my life where I start being legalistic or actually became legalistic and each time was a period of distance between me and God and I don't think anyone wanted my scriptural advice then either. The knew it wasn't good advice.

And...to me, that seemed to be Jesus' mission here on earth....to show the difference between religion (following a list of dos and don'ts--legalism).....and having a relationship with God.

 

[Created2Write]

Personally, I'm happier as a married Christian, than I was as a single Christian.

 

[iambren]

"Personally, I'm happier as a married Christian, than I was as a single Christian. "


I suppose I believed that every other day. I know I got a whole lot more sex when I was single.

 

[ajunkyarddog]

I've noticed among my friends that many of them seem less happy after they get married. Some say their husbands don't romance them anymore and the guys tend to say the woman gets disinterested in sex, especially after they have a kid. I want to get married but I don't want to be miserable. Are some or most of you happy with being married as Christians?

Is this just because you hang out around a lot of Christians? This is common in all types of relationships/marriages.

When it gets to be a point where either person is "miserable" then something certainly needs to be done!
I feel that it is very important to keep your spouse satisfied in that way.

My relationship is awesome. It has it's ups and downs, but mostly it's up. We work to make it work.

 

[Hentenza]

Getting married requires the biblical commitment of becoming one person but most marriages remain two people. One problem is that one or both holds on to their single mindset and do not progress within the marriage. I read it in this thread and in many here. Marriage is a serious commitment much bigger than our own selfishness.

To answer the OP, I am much happier as a married man and a Christian. Heck, I have been married for 31 years so I don't know what it would feel like to be single again.