Why do older parents do this?

[backrow]

I just had a call from my elderly parents.
As usual the call starts out fine, but ends up
with me feeling jerked around.
I was telling them about the new house, and how I was
working at keeping it up nice, and organized.

My dad pipes in that thats just common sense, and
in his day a woman would not even mention that sort of thing.

Not mention keeping the house nice?

It's ALWAYS like this.
They say we never come visit, yet we are the ones working 6 and
7 days weeks, and they are the ones retired and able to
travel the country and world, but can't come 150 miles
to our home.
4 years ago when the did come, it was without notice, and
in the middle of a very busy workday, and I could not just drop
what I was doing and visit much. Not to mention the house
was not in my moms standards of perfection.
I would never drop in on anyone unannounced, and yet
they did it to my sisterin law too. Ticked her off, I can tell you.
I have constantly asked Dad over for lunch when he comes down
to the city, but no.
I even asked if we could meet for lunch when he is in the town 5 miles
to our south. Never has. He has had business meetings down here
for several years now.
I am having Thanksgiving this year, and I sure hope it goes
ok. I'm not worried about the cooking, but the barbs they
throw around can really sting. I am about to the cork blowing
stage and I dont' want to loose my temper.
My sis has had it the last couple years, and I need to do this
to get some of the pressure off her now.
They drive her nuts also.
Anybody else out there have sharp tounged parents to
deal with?

 

[andiesmama]

Mine aren't so bad , although there of course are times when my mom comes up with sideways comments that really get under my skin. I just grit my teeth and remind myself that I don't have much time left with them in this world probably and also that whole "honor thy mother and father" thing....

It helps, though, that they live in Kentucky and I live in south Florida! lol My sister lives by them, so she gets the brunt of it...soon they'll be retiring just about 30 miles north of me, so then it'll be my turn...

You're not alone....as long as you're opening your home to them & making invitations to get together, what else can you do? And as for talking on the phone, when the barbs start, that's the time to cut the conversation short, you know? Good luck with Thanksgiving....it'll be a challenge but with prayer and God's help, you'll make it through! We're all here to help keep you sane, too, remember!

 

[MMXII]

backrow, I'll tell you what I do with my Mom. She lives behind me (big mistake in ways on my part) but I rarely go over there. Not that I don't love my mother, I do, very much. It just sounds very familiar what your parents do to you. I go to my mom's for a short visit and when she starts on me...too fat, hair's too long/short, etc., I say to her..."Well, I don't have to listen to this at home." At that I get up and leave. I would never want to be disrespective to my mom but I would LOVE to say what I feel.

I'm an adult and would never listen to the things she throws at me if she were a friend, why should I as a daughter?

 

[woman.at.the.well]

pray, pray, pray FIRST, which I'm sure you already have. THEN . . .get your family together and have a chat with them that is meant in love. Do it when you are not mad and just be firm but loving about it. They sound like boundaries need to be laid down for them.

 

[GritsnGrace]

Fortunatly, I have never had that problem. My mom and I get along great! She rarely comes to my house, but that's ok. It is much easier for me to go to hers.

 

[Mela'h]

pray, pray, pray FIRST, which I'm sure you already have. THEN . . .get your family together and have a chat with them that is meant in love. Do it when you are not mad and just be firm but loving about it. They sound like boundaries need to be laid down for them.

I agree with watw. As adults with our own families to look after, it's important to set healthy boundaries if behaviors from your parents are interfering with your family life. Praying for you backrow

 

[~A.Pure.Heart~]

My culture venerates our elders. Perhaps if your society placed more value on those that have gone before you, "dealing with them" wouldn't be so difficult?

No disrespect intended.

 

[Imagsusman]

My culture venerates our elders. Perhaps if your society placed more value on those that have gone before you, "dealing with them" wouldn't be so difficult?

No disrespect intended.

Hi ..Do you also hold to the Pascua Yaqui' beliefs of evolution? Maybe something not to ask on this thread, but I am curious....If you like, your welcome to PM me rather than post this here as Im quite curious..

 

[lovesong]

Hi backrow!

Woman At The Well had a great idea. Prayer is definitlely the key. Not only for your parents, but for your own heart as well. There comes a time when at one time or another, we need to ask the Lord to 'guard our hearts' against the negatives, especially for your own sanity's sake.

My parents had always been encouraging, no matter what the circumstance. They're both with the Lord now. But now, I have to deal with my mother in law, who is the exact opposite of my own parents. She says what she thinks, no matter if it's kind or hurtful. I've had to learn to deal with her comments, and when it comes to the 'hurtful' things, I still wince, but then I see her for who she is, and through the years, have learned to brush them off.

You know how your parents can be .. if boundries can't be set, then sometimes you just have to learn to take things in stride, hard as it can be sometimes. If they show up unexpectedly, try not to be rude, but keep on doing what you were doing at that moment, (by saying, " excuse me, but I need to get this finished, etc. ) They're interrupting YOUR day, you're not interrupting theirs. If that becomes a situation where they feel you're ignoring them, maybe they'll get the hint that they should call before they come. ( sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't )

But know in your heart that you're doing the best you can, your homelife is comfortable for you, and that your own family is content. They're your life, your main focus now.

Most important, remember that the Lord is watching over you. Pray that He will keep the peace in your heart, and to hold on to that last nerve. I know He hasn't failed me yet!!

God bless you!

 

[mysparrow]

i sympathize with you, but just for a minute lets look at the other side too k , could be they are feeling their age a little, maybe feeling very mortal, and who knows , it could be a defense mechansim for them because they are lonely and miss close contact with you, i dont know , but i do know that they raised you, and you are who you are partly because they loved you , you dont want to hurt them, so that says a lot about the way they raised you as well in my mind , i just know that when my mom began doing that, it was because she really wanted a closer relationship wiht me (i thought it was fine ) but she went about it the wrong way. shes gone to be with the Lord now and i wish i could just have her to gripe at me for doing something stupid again . Your parents are of the old school ways, and things have changed so much, its scary to them im sure at times to see it happening , and they are just stuck in the way things were , dreams of better days and all that, anyways , just my thoughts on it, it may have absolutely no bearing on your situation, but Jesus does tell us to pray for those who say hateful things, they love you and im sure you love them with all your heart, dont let things go unsaid , please.

 

[mysparrow]

please dont take that as critism or a rebuke it was truly not meant in that way, i do understand and hate that you are having to go through that , i will be in prayer for you, i just re-read my post and realize sometimes i can come off condescending in type, that is truly not what was meant . Gods peace to you dear one.