Why do I use hurtful words in relationships?

[StillTryin]

I don't get it. I used some very hurtful words toward a girl I have been seeing. Earlier in the week I brought up a situation she has been dealing with; a friendship that has been causing her anguish. I told her I felt it was a terrible situation and that she needs to high tail it out of it. That is not what she wanted to hear from me about this situation and it caused a lot of hurt for her. All week, we texted a lot, and during these texts, when she was explaining her feelings towards what I said and me, I would just reply with something that deflected from me and put the blame or point back on her. I don't know why I do this. Instead of trying to help the situation, I just kept hurting her with my words. Part of me felt that I was right, in what I said about the friendship causing her pain, but instead of trying to move forward from this and seeing her point of view, I just kept slamming her. Needless to say, things are pretty much over between us. I am sad, but I am more mad at myself. I don't understand why I feel the need to be hurtful in what I say instead of thinking about things and being helpful and caring. Any help would be great.

 

[Passionate Chicken]

Maybe it has to do with how you were raised?
Kids tend to pick up what their parents displayed in relationship between them.
My dad was like that toward my mom. And my mom was very docile for the most part so that she eventually shut down to it all.

Or it could be that you don't feel worthy of this girl and you're now acting in a way that subconsciously you hope will make her leave you. This way you can feel it was her fault on the outside. While deep inside your own self-doubt about being happy is satisfied because you're not and that's because deep down you don't think you have a right to be.
These kind of dialogs tend to occur in the head of kids who grow up in households where emotional verbal abuse and sometimes physical was going on around them.
Even if we don't see it we can still hear it. Even if none of that is happening when we do enter the house after that's happened the emotional energy between the parents in the aftermath is still palpable to kids who are very sensitive to such things.

The worst thing two dysfunctional people can do when they live to hurt each other is stay together for the sake of the kid. It ends up that the kid is imprinted with that dysfunction so they think it's how relationships work. So they carry on the trend into their own lives.
Maybe what you need to do is get therapy and find out what is ticking in your own head so as to improve the relationship you have with yourself rather than try to take what's hurting in you into the life of someone else.

 

[Spunkn]

Even if what you told her was true the first time, she came back and tried to explain things to you. In your mind subconsciously you were probably thinking something like "If she's trying to explain things to me again, then she must not have taken my advice the first time. Therefore she didn't accept it. Therefore she must not believe I was right". So then you continue to slam her, to convince her that you were right from the start.

The above poster touches on something random I was going to ask. Do you have very controlling parents in your past? Or maybe a dad who -always- had to be right?

 

[brojeff]

Fear comes in all shapes and sizes. We don't like to admit that it is there, but it has it's way of oozing out. Sarcasm is an expression of anger. We use it and if we are confronted we just say, I was just kidding or you took it the wrong way. Manytimes when we begin to be drawn close to someone and we are still carrying the hurt and resentment from a past relationship, out comes the sarcasm in order for us to maintain a safe distance. Only thing is, we are never able to know true friendship or intimacy and not just the physical kind. True intimacy is being known and accepted. I don't know you but I have known the hidden sarcasm of fear. Resolve the bitterness from the past, seek forgiveness and give some. God accepts you right where you are. He loves you just as much right now inspite of our efforts or the lack thereof. God Bless

 

[If Not For Grace]

I also lack tact. Sometimes when you tell people even the "truth" and it's not what they want to hear they will be hurt, in those cases if you have done it with tact and as nicely as you can I say "too bad". One of the things as christians we are supposed to be is NOT easily offended, however that does not permitt rudeness and if it compounds the problem it's futile.

Sometimes people need a bit of reality therapy, but more often they need kindness. It is a balance that is hard to walk. One area i struggle with is whining-for me compassion and whining are just not compatiable ( ). it get's on my last nerve, when people beg for help and continue in messes of their own making and want me to pray "God Bless their mess" with em. I'm just not well suited for that.

There are some areas you may need to let alone until you come up with some "canned per-packaged" responses to certain topics. People are often not ready to hear the truth and even when they ask for advice it is not really adivce but validation of their feelings they seek. Take it case by case-you are not intentionally hurtful, just work on more gentler responses. Other times remember they came to you and asked your opinion and that is what they should be prepared for-just be as kind as you can without compromising your morals or pirnciples.

 

[artqween]

I also lack tact. Sometimes when you tell people even the "truth" and it's not what they want to hear they will be hurt, in those cases if you have done it with tact and as nicely as you can I say "too bad". One of the things as christians we are supposed to be is NOT easily offended, however that does not permitt rudeness and if it compounds the problem it's futile.

Sometimes people need a bit of reality therapy, but more often they need kindness. It is a balance that is hard to walk. One area i struggle with is whining-for me compassion and whining are just not compatiable ( ). it get's on my last nerve, when people beg for help and continue in messes of their own making and want me to pray "God Bless their mess" with em. I'm just not well suited for that.

There are some areas you may need to let alone until you come up with some "canned per-packaged" responses to certain topics. People are often not ready to hear the truth and even when they ask for advice it is not really adivce but validation of their feelings they seek. Take it case by case-you are not intentionally hurtful, just work on more gentler responses. Other times remember they came to you and asked your opinion and that is what they should be prepared for-just be as kind as you can without compromising your morals or pirnciples.

Suggestion.. Consider wait until
U r calm down enough to talk to
Ur partner. Talk to ur family on
Opinions on how to approach words.
If u r in bad mood let ur partner.. u dont want to hurt their feeling.. however u r in a bad mood allow u
some time to calm down if need be.
Also be aware of ur tone. Making
sure u have s soft and soothing tone..
when u approach ur partner.. suggestion. Ask ur partner ur opinion was too direct/..?
good luck... peace hope strenght courage... vibes hi and plezd to
to meet u....